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The Graverobber

by Love


I blinked, and smelled the beautiful decay
Which 'neath the hidden tombs of Ledir lay.
Like broken teeth, the shapeless bugs crawled through
My open mouth, encouragéd by you.
You took my ring, and placed it on your hand.
I tried to scream, to issue a command,
And would have, but my curséd tongue
Had long since been removed, on plaster hung.
Your gleeful grin sent shivers through my corpse.
Your eyes expressed no pity, no remorse.
I stirred, but still you somehow failed to see
The death within me pleading t'let me be.
You took my head, and brought it home to Bryne.
You drilled my skull, and used it to drink wine.
When you still lived, I waited for your end to near.
Now that it came, you have my vengeánce to bear.


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Sat Nov 18, 2017 2:56 pm
wordwing says...



Wow...




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Thu Dec 05, 2013 10:10 pm
RedRozeNinja13 wrote a review...



Well, this very much appeases my darker side. Very grim and sinister, it strikes me as a story told in verse through poetry, which I tend to find more amusing and enjoyable than typical poetry. I've just started taking up Short stories (usually I write novels and books in series, from this poem I think you'd like my book 'Eye of the Slayer'- it can also be very dark and grim), and am so taken with this poem that I feel like I may want to write a short story with this as it's inspiration. Of course, only if it is ok with the author! (Of course I do start short stories and sometimes wind up turning them into entire books because I FAIL so BADLY at doing things "short") And of course- sheer brilliance with the point of view! The point of view from a dead person? It satisfies my dark side immensely, "but my curséd tongue
Had long since been removed, on plaster hung.", that line in particular appealed to my more gruesome aspects for some reason. Perhaps it's just the bit of horror-loving sadisticly gruesome face inside all of us, hm?


Much Love,
Red <3




Love says...


Hehe, thanks :D If course you can use it... Tell me if you actually write something inspired by it, please!! XD *huggles*





OHMYGOD! I JUST HAD A SPAZ ATTACK BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT USES THE WORD HUGGLES XD! IT MUST BE A REAL WORD NOW!!! >:DDDDDDD



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Mon Dec 02, 2013 4:37 pm
LaughingHyena wrote a review...



Very creepy! I love the descriptions you used, and the fact that you wrote it from the corpse's point of view is pretty inventive. The language feels somewhat old-fashioned, which adds to the gothic feel-but doesn't contain any 'thee' or 'thou', meaning it isn't officially old-fashioned enough to be archaic, which makes it interesting; the only indication of its dated style being in the flowery descriptions and the more unusual structure of the words. The accents are slightly confusing to me, but then it is hard to judge as many old-fashioned texts use different styles according to the time period and region of the country-is your decision to use accents inspired by any other old-fashioned style texts? One thing I might say is the use of 't'let' rather than 'to let'; it is surprisingly difficult to write in an old-fashioned style and make it sound accurate unless you were actually born in that time period, and a common issue with modern poets is trying to work out just how 'olde worlde' the words should be taken. That aside, this is an original, well-constructed and sufficiently spine-tingling bit of writing-well done! :D




Love says...


Aww thanks :) *huggles* I just wrote what I felt I should.. I barely spent a second thought on the old language. I just used the words I felt made sense XD The accents... Are there to make it sound just right ^.^ Sorry if they're confusing :P Otherwise, at least to me, itnwouls sound wrong :3





No problem, I really enjoyed it! :D There are other old poems that have a few accents in places, I just wondered if you had put them in for a particular reason, I loved the old-fashioned style you chose :)



Love says...


The style just felt right... And the accents were there to make it sound right :) Hehe, I only borrowed subconsciously XD



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Mon Dec 02, 2013 3:53 pm
Gravity wrote a review...



While I loved this, I thought it could benefit from a few changes. For one thing, the rhythm isn't always consistent. For example.

I stirred, but still you somehow failed to see
The death within me pleading t'let me be.


You do this a lot. I can see that you could tell the rhythm wouldn't make much sense because you said "t'let" instead of "to let".

I'm also not exactly sure why you include random accents. Not sure if they are Spanish or French or what but they make no sense to me.

Other than that, great horror poem. It disturbed me slightly. You included just enough "creep factor" without making me want to vomit. So great job!




Love says...


Thanks... XD And the accents are by no means random. :P They're accurately placed.





Ummmmmmm... how? lol.



Love says...


Uhh... They made it sound correct XD Some pentameter or whatnot. I personally go with intuition. If you read them with the emphasis and then without, you sure they seem random? :P





Yeah. You use (French) accent aigu which signals the e sound to be pronounced "ay". So yeah. A little random...



Love says...


.....I just used accents to emphasise where the emphasis should be placed on words. Did I use the wrong dash? :P





nvm



Love says...


Ays



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Mon Dec 02, 2013 3:03 pm
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This is really good Letiki! I'm looking forward to reading future works! ;)




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Sun Dec 01, 2013 3:13 pm
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Renard wrote a review...



It suddenly occurred to me that I have never read nor reviewed any of your works on here. That just isn't right!
So I thought I would do a review and I am glad I did.

Me thinks this piece is really interesting. Very original POV (trust you ;) )

The use of oldy-worldy language works well in conveying your meaning: 'neath and curséd' and the like.

You're just like Shakespeare!

After reading the poem, I feel kind of morbid.

'Now that it came, you have my vengeánce to bear.' Clearly it is not about a 'happy' theme but still... there is something very dark going on here. XD




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Sun Feb 10, 2013 3:53 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, letiki.

Your meter, for the most part, is very good, and your rhyme scheme isn't half bad, either. That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address in this poem.

I blinked, and smelled the beautiful decay

I don't think "beautiful" is the correct word to use here. If you consistently illustrated that your speaker thought that the decay was beautiful, I'd say leave it in. But since this is the only mention of it in the whole poem, It doesn't fit.

Which 'neath the hidden tombs of Ledir lay.

I love the meter in this line. I think "which" should be changed to "that," however. And about "Ledir." I didn't have any issue with you making up places out of the blue and putting them in, but I feel like it would be interesting if you made a whole world out of these; not necessarily in this piece, but I really like the sound of the two places you made up. Keep those in mind. They're nice sounding words.

Like broken teeth, the shapeless bugs crawled through

"shapeless" here breaks up the meter. Omit it. Also, when you say "shapeless," the image of the insects grows foggier.

You took my ring, and placed it on your hand.

Omit "and." It messes with the meter.

Your gleeful grin sent shivers through my corpse.

This line immediately snaps me out of the world you've created. Corpses can't shiver, and it's absurd to think that one could. I understand that you're trying to personify it, but it's not working for me.

You took my head, and brought it home to Bryne.

Omit "and"

You drilled my skull, and used it to drink wine.

To get a better meter in this line, you're going to have to rewrite it a bit. I tried to read it without "and," like other lines, but "used it" keeps messing it up.

Altogether, I really enjoyed reading it. It's got a pretty good meter, and I really like the places. I feel like lots of things could happen in Ledir and Bryne. I hope this review proves helpful to you. Happy poeting!




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 9:00 pm
Trident wrote a review...



Okay so twice I have written a review for this, but I tried to edit something the first time around and it bugged out on me. I really want to give you this review so I will, for a third time, write everything over again.

My comments led more along the point of this being antiquated, though not necessarily as a bad thing. The "encouragéd" and words similar to it help with the meter, which is really quite nice. You have an ear for it. I don't know if "vengeánce" can be done like that.

In terms of the "Ledir" and "Bryne" I am unfamiliar with these terms. They sound like they come from Norse mythology, but they could be made up too. If that is the case, then they are rather meaningless for your readers unless this poem is part of a series.

Your gleeful grin sent shivers through my corpse.
Your eyes expressed no pity, no remorse.


I wasn't a huge fan of these lines. Mostly because I can't really imagine this corpse-figure shivering. It's an odd image. I like the idea of making the corpse human-like, but I think there is a better way.

Lastly I would say that the last two lines don't end the poem especially well. Simple death is a boring vengeance, which I think could have some sort of importance to it. What happens during or after the death? I think that would really add some closure to the poem.

Hopefully this will post.




Love says...


Thanks for the review! XD

Hmm... So, Ledir and Bryne are places I came up with X3 Hmm... Perhaps it is indeed rather unclear. I will certainly keep Ledir, though. I'll have to consider Bryne (for it also sounds like an interesting place)

Hmm... Yes, maybe. Thanks XD

Ohh, and yess, the ending isn't great. I spent an hour on it and still couldn't get it to sound right >> Well, the death itself isn't the end. It was more like "Now you died and are finally within my reach". I should make that more clear, thanks XD



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Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:45 pm
Trident wrote a review...








Best. Review. Ever :P



Trident says...


I have literally written two reviews for this, it won't let me post it in the edit.



dogs says...


I cannot stop laughing I'm sorry.



Trident says...


Oh thank God that worked. Three is the charm I guess!



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Sat Feb 09, 2013 5:58 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Leti! Dogs here with your review. Okey dokey so this is a wonderful piece, I love the imagery you use and it kinda reminds me of my favorite author: Edgar Allan Poe. In most poems that have rhyming they seriously run the risk of sounding redundant and using forced rhyme, but I don't get that at all from your writing. It is just smooth and well written. I love the imagery you use, even though your lines are far too long at some points and it loses the effect of your rhyming. You definitely might want to cut down on some of those useless words and make those lines a tad bit shorter.

I really don't have too much to say about this piece because it is quite well written all around. Although I think when you say: "You drilled my skull, and used it to drink wine" could have been more descriptive or even more creepy. If you want to keep it the same you need to use a different descriptor than "drilled my skull." Drilled what in your skull? Drilled a hole? Drilled it into piece? You need to clarify that for the reader.

I was also quite confused as to why you put accents over the "e" and "a"s of some your pieces. Seems rather odd and I can't fathom why or how you did that. All and all it's a great piece and I enjoyed reading. If you ever need a review let me know. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




Love says...


Oh, thanks XD Okay, I'll edit it whenever I can XD And the accents were to keep the, em, metre going? Not really sure what I mean <.< *never formally studied this stuff* Emm... To make it sound nice? <u> So, thanks XD




People with writer's blocks should get together and build a castle.
— Love