That night I lay
In my own bed.
Like every night,
Like I were dead,
But then a sound
Came from the night
And through the glass
Into the light.
I looked at it,
And shrieked, for lo!
A thing was standing
'neath my door.
Taking my gun,
I stormed downstairs.
Asked who it was,
Speak man, or else...
No thing replied,
Nor did I see
The darkest form
Waiting for me.
I took a breath,
And turned the lock.
Click click it said,
I'll save you not.
The door slid wide
-the wind was fit.
In fev'rish haste
I slipped through it
Into the void
That stood without.
Engulfing all,
Evoking doubt.
I saw no thing
(Though it saw me)
And took a step
(Where it took three).
Raising my gun,
I asked who's there.
I said or else,
I screamed, beware!
The night shone black
And black birds flew.
Their hungry eyes
My blood then drew
Out of my face,
For there beyond
Hung trails of smoke,
All gray and blonde.
I cast my gaze
Back to below,
And saw a glint
Where fever flowed.
The dark green depths
Of the canal
Possessed six eyes
To which I called:
"Infernal beast!"
-they eyed me still-
An open mouth
Came up to fill
My mind with fear,
My bones with dread.
It seem'd too eager
To be fed.
I blinked and shook,
Raised up my gun.
Released a round,
Prepared to run,
But six thin limbs
Then gripped my spine.
Three fetid tongues
My throat now lined.
It pushed its head
Into my mouth.
Its spider's fur
-like rotting growth-
Brushed past my lips,
Tearing in two
The skin too small
To let it through.
In moment's time
It was in me.
Threw out my lungs
For all to see.
Its limbs pierced through
My arms and legs.
My gun fell down,
I wished to beg.
I then walked forth,
Despite my will.
Its limbs controlling mine
Until
I stumbled forth
And fell into
The sewer's stream
From which it drew.
That night the stream
Took me away,
Through vicious night
And blackest pain.
I did, alas,
Learn one new thing:
A man's last breath
Can hours bring.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
...Well, that escalated quickly. Anyway, I'll just speed through this one too, since I'm sure you've heard more than enough from reviewers like myself. Well, let's get down to business, shall we?
Gummy's my name, reviewing's my game! Tonight, I'm going to review... "Arachnid", by Letiki!
I really liked your diction and the use of language not commonly used in vernacular to not only fit the syllable count, but also to give the speaker an eloquent way of speaking. I commend you for this, and for the constant feeling of zoom-in and zoom-out the piece made me feel throughout my read.
One thing I couldn't quite grasp was the size of the accursed creature. I'm pretty sure it's me, but, for one second, I thought the spider was huge enough to swallow the speaker whole! XD I guess that's what happens when you're zooming in and zooming out so much...
I love fixed-verse poetry, so you can guess this was a great read for me. I seriously hope to read more from you in the near future, and, as always, take care. Remember: Practice is key!
Aww thank you ^.^ Strange thing is, I barely wrote any poetry before XD
The spider... Well, it has huge legs that make it slightly bigger than a person, which it can shed and regrow at will. But its body is just small enough to fit into someone's chest
*shivers* I can visualize it now... :S Thanks for clearing that up!
Anytime!
Letiki, your poem, it's wonderful. A brilliant rhyming scheme, excellent portrayal, and the story telling behind it, even better. It was a very smooth read, and sounded even better out loud, most definitely something I could read over and over again. You did an excellent job!
Aww thanks ^.^
Hi Letiki,
This is a wonderful poem. The story is perfectly executed. I love the structure and the uneven rhyme scheme. The poem sounds so musical when I read it loud.
This is the kind of thing I'd love to read to my kids.
He he, thanks XD
I loved this poem! It gave me goosebumps (but that might be because the classroom I'm sitting in is freezing) but regardess, bravo! You have managed to confuzzle me!
So I think I understand a little bit about what's happening here, but that's not what matters. What matters to me is the technical aspects like rhythm and spelling etc. The formatting of your poem is off. I would have preferred if you'd done it in a more simple font. If you type in the normal format, you can skip one line only by pressing shift-enter and two lines by hitting enter. So that's that.
Another thing, I found a spelling error. Stanza 17
Foetid isn't I word. I think you meant fetid. I think in some places your rhyme was forced, but I liked it in most places. The rhyme was consistent, although it didn't have to be and that made the poem seem uniform. All in all I felt your rhythm was good and you captured the horror aspects of this experience. I think this poem really painted the ideal picture of what was happening. I just wish there was a little more elaboration on why you named it Arachnid. The thing busting out of your body, was it a spider?
Again, good job. Keep writing!
-Gravity
Busting into my body...
A huge spider ^^
The font was a mistake, though XP I'm using my tablet. Tis awkward x.x
Thanks though XD
Yeah no prob.
HIYA.
That was really good! The ballad had really good flow!
Love these lines!
Aww thanks XD *huggles*
Tis not a ballad, though D:
But it does tell a story :/
Aren't ballads more like songs? :3