Young Writers Society

Wow...

Well, this very much appeases my darker side. Very grim and sinister, it strikes me as a story told in verse through poetry, which I tend to find more amusing and enjoyable than typical poetry. I've just started taking up Short stories (usually I write novels and books in series, from this poem I think you'd like my book 'Eye of the Slayer'- it can also be very dark and grim), and am so taken with this poem that I feel like I may want to write a short story with this as it's inspiration. Of course, only if it is ok with the author! (Of course I do start short stories and sometimes wind up turning them into entire books because I FAIL so BADLY at doing things "short") And of course- sheer brilliance with the point of view! The point of view from a dead person? It satisfies my dark side immensely, "but my curséd tongue
Had long since been removed, on plaster hung.", that line in particular appealed to my more gruesome aspects for some reason. Perhaps it's just the bit of horror-loving sadisticly gruesome face inside all of us, hm?


Much Love,
Red <3

Very creepy! I love the descriptions you used, and the fact that you wrote it from the corpse's point of view is pretty inventive. The language feels somewhat old-fashioned, which adds to the gothic feel-but doesn't contain any 'thee' or 'thou', meaning it isn't officially old-fashioned enough to be archaic, which makes it interesting; the only indication of its dated style being in the flowery descriptions and the more unusual structure of the words. The accents are slightly confusing to me, but then it is hard to judge as many old-fashioned texts use different styles according to the time period and region of the country-is your decision to use accents inspired by any other old-fashioned style texts? One thing I might say is the use of 't'let' rather than 'to let'; it is surprisingly difficult to write in an old-fashioned style and make it sound accurate unless you were actually born in that time period, and a common issue with modern poets is trying to work out just how 'olde worlde' the words should be taken. That aside, this is an original, well-constructed and sufficiently spine-tingling bit of writing-well done!

While I loved this, I thought it could benefit from a few changes. For one thing, the rhythm isn't always consistent. For example.

I stirred, but still you somehow failed to see
The death within me pleading t'let me be.

This is really good Letiki! I'm looking forward to reading future works!

It suddenly occurred to me that I have never read nor reviewed any of your works on here. That just isn't right!
So I thought I would do a review and I am glad I did.

Me thinks this piece is really interesting. Very original POV (trust you )

The use of oldy-worldy language works well in conveying your meaning: 'neath and curséd' and the like.

You're just like Shakespeare!

After reading the poem, I feel kind of morbid.

'Now that it came, you have my vengeánce to bear.' Clearly it is not about a 'happy' theme but still... there is something very dark going on here. XD

Hi there, letiki.

Your meter, for the most part, is very good, and your rhyme scheme isn't half bad, either. That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address in this poem.

I blinked, and smelled the beautiful decay

Which 'neath the hidden tombs of Ledir lay.

Like broken teeth, the shapeless bugs crawled through

You took my ring, and placed it on your hand.

Your gleeful grin sent shivers through my corpse.

You took my head, and brought it home to Bryne.

You drilled my skull, and used it to drink wine.

Okay so twice I have written a review for this, but I tried to edit something the first time around and it bugged out on me. I really want to give you this review so I will, for a third time, write everything over again.

My comments led more along the point of this being antiquated, though not necessarily as a bad thing. The "encouragéd" and words similar to it help with the meter, which is really quite nice. You have an ear for it. I don't know if "vengeánce" can be done like that.

In terms of the "Ledir" and "Bryne" I am unfamiliar with these terms. They sound like they come from Norse mythology, but they could be made up too. If that is the case, then they are rather meaningless for your readers unless this poem is part of a series.

Your gleeful grin sent shivers through my corpse.
Your eyes expressed no pity, no remorse.

Hello there Leti! Dogs here with your review. Okey dokey so this is a wonderful piece, I love the imagery you use and it kinda reminds me of my favorite author: Edgar Allan Poe. In most poems that have rhyming they seriously run the risk of sounding redundant and using forced rhyme, but I don't get that at all from your writing. It is just smooth and well written. I love the imagery you use, even though your lines are far too long at some points and it loses the effect of your rhyming. You definitely might want to cut down on some of those useless words and make those lines a tad bit shorter.

I really don't have too much to say about this piece because it is quite well written all around. Although I think when you say: "You drilled my skull, and used it to drink wine" could have been more descriptive or even more creepy. If you want to keep it the same you need to use a different descriptor than "drilled my skull." Drilled what in your skull? Drilled a hole? Drilled it into piece? You need to clarify that for the reader.

I was also quite confused as to why you put accents over the "e" and "a"s of some your pieces. Seems rather odd and I can't fathom why or how you did that. All and all it's a great piece and I enjoyed reading. If you ever need a review let me know. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh