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138,869 Literary Works • 672,361 Reviews
Hello,
I really like some of your wording here.
"Do you feel the pain sinking me in?"
"... sinking me in" really adds some depth. It lets the reader relate some of their own experience of pain while still guiding them somewhat towards what your experience with it is. I have to say this is my favorite line of your poem.
"Broken down,
Torn apart,
Lost pieces ...,"
The wording in these lines are a bit hackneyed. As soon as anyone reads Broken down, Torn apart, and Lost pieces all together they automatically expect the same old teenage angst. I don't mean to discount the emotions here as I'm sure the feelings these words reflect in your case are anything but hackneyed but really put the reader in your shoes with your words and your voice. Stay away from anything else that everybody else seems to use when they talk about being down and out but not in Vegas (a little hypocrisy right there).
A lot of people read or see what others do and try to emulate it instead of just creating something. They judge their own work in relation to what others do and limit themselves because of that.
Your writing is concise and to the point and for the most part grammatically correct ("Is this how your supposed to feel?" should be "Is this how you're supposed to feel?".)
You don't stumble around with your words which is good just remember to start from scratch. Don't let what others write influence your own writing too much.
I can tell you have voice. "...sinking me in?" seems so organic to me. That's the kind of writing that will separate yours from everyone else's.
Keep at it
Thank you for your advice!! I'll try to fix it up soon. XD
I really like this poem. I don't have much to suggest, but here are a few things I noticed:
I really like this line. I think, though, that you mean "you're."
Are you sure you can't come up with other synonyms that more completely express the grief this person is feeling?
I feel as if this line could be improved upon. It might be best to just take away "if so" and just say "Does it hurt? How bad?"
This line doesn't exactly make sense. I think it should be reworded to get the intended meaning across.
I really liked this, but I felt there should be something more at the end. Perhaps end with a question? Maybe something like "Do you understand?" Most of the poem is questions, and I think it is fitting to end with one.
Anyway, I really liked the poem and the style it was written in. Good luck with any future poems!
Thank you for the great advice. I will correct it very soon when I have time. Thanks again for taking the time to read this and comment on it. -Destiny