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Young Writers Society



Why Are You Here?

by PhoenixBird101


Time and time again,
 
You come and you go,
 
Minutes are passing,
 
Yet you are still here.
 
 
 
Why are you here?
 
What is your purpose?
 
Just go away,
 
There is no reason for you to stay.
 
 
 
Don't you see?
 
Are you blind?
 
Can't you see me?
 
I'm not trying to hide.
 
 
 
Even after I told you my scars,
 
All my lies and evil thoughts,
 
Time and time again,
 
You come and you go.
 
 
 
There is only one thing to say,
 
 
 
Just go away,
 
Like they always do today.
 

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Points: 290
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Sat Feb 09, 2013 5:47 pm
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kazzykay says...



this is really deep i love it




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863 Reviews

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 7:54 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, phoenix!

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

Honestly, I was bored during the first stanza. It's very bland. The whole poem is in need of a little seasoning, but this stanza needs the most if this poem is to be successful. You're talking about time. So give images of clocks or watches. Here's what I would do in the first stanza (this is just an example. You have your own style, and should find your own images).
You sit as stone beside me.
The second hand on my watch
softly ticks as you stare.
The bench beneath me shudders
with the weight of your ignorance.
(that was quite bad, but it was on the spot) You get what I'm talking about, right? give us a setting at least. Give us something to see within the poem. Don't be too literal. This goes for the whole poem, really. Put in more images so we can see what's going on.

Either have a rhyme scheme throughout the whole poem, or don't have one at all. Right now, the rhyme scheme is like a patchy beard. There in some places, and bald in others. And certainly not attractive.

Don't you see?
Are you blind?
Can't you see me?
I'm not trying to hide.

This stanza not only does nothing for the poem, but it makes me dismiss the narrator as whiny. I'd take it out if I were you.

Like they always do today.

Don't ever put in words for the sake of the rhyme. It is better to have a patchy beard then bad beard extensions. Don't let the rhyme scheme control your words. Rhyme scheme always comes second.

This piece has potential. I can't wait to see it when it's more polished. If you ever need more help on it, please don't hesitate to talk to me.

I hope this review proves useful to you. Happy poeting!




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376 Reviews

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 6:52 am
Trident wrote a review...



Hi PhoenixBird101, here are a few of my thoughts:

Time and time again,

You come and you go,

Minutes are passing,

Yet you are still here.


Okay, this beginning is a little bit bland, but it gives you something to start with. What I didn't expect were the next lines:

Why are you here?

What is your purpose?

Just go away,

There is no reason for you to stay.


Whoa, I thought this poem was going to be about someone sticking around and that being a good thing. But I like this take on it! It's a little bit different, not that sentimental lovey-dovey stuff you always see. I do, however, have an issue that you are just using words that don't paint us a picture. They--literally--tell the reader what you want to display.

And the rhyme doesn't work here because you don't have it as a concept throughout the poem.

Don't you see?

Are you blind?

Can't you see me?

I'm not trying to hide.


Now we are starting to get whiny. This whole part can go. It really makes me think poorly of the narrator and I think you want this narrator to have our sympathies.

Even after I told you my scars,

All my lies and evil thoughts,

Time and time again,

You come and you go.


Okay this is interesting, but it's not saying much. At this point I'm really wondering who you are addressing. You don't really give us too much of a hint. And sometimes you can get away with that, but I don't think you can in this case, especially since you are being so vague with what exactly the problems are between the narrator and their target.

There is only one thing to say,



Just go away,

Like they always do today.


I am confounded by this last line. Is the "today" in there just because of the rhyme? If so, just get rid of it, the rhyme is not doing you any good anyway. And the "they" is not explained.

Sometimes being vague is fun and effective, but here it just detracts from the poem. You are saying things, but we don't know what it is you are saying.

Feel free to contact me if you would like me to explain anything further.





"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
— Albus Dumbledore