Young Writers Society

Hey,
This was a really good prologue and I'm interested in what the virus is. I found it really gripping; I didn't expect one of the characters to die so soon but I liked that they did, it made it exciting. I actually found the father dying quite sad which is surprising since he dies so early on. I will definitely be reading the next chapters.

Overall it's really good, it just needs to be proof read to remove spelling errors. At the beginning it says "hen croaked", I'm guessing it's meant to be "he". Also "attacks of you're 21", the "of" needs to be made into an "if".

Their only minor errors and apart from that its really good, well done, I hope the rest is as good!

Hi Scribblebug,

So this was a good prologue. I'm interesting in what the virus is, and what caused it. But it was a little hard to read because of the misspells. Here should be instead of hear. Sweet should be instead of sweat. And once you put of instead of it. Remember that Matthew Always needs a capital letter and two t's. But apart from that, all good and onto the next chapter.

Deanie x

Hey, EatSleepRead here.
I love this story-it looks really interesting.
Buuuut, there were some things that jumped out at me. i have a huge pet-peeve over words being used the wrong way, and i dont mean to offend you when i say that most of the words were used differently. im just trying to help.

And don't worry; lots of writers tend to have this problem too.

example:
"hear"-i know you meant to say 'here', but sometimes words like that made me go back and read it again because i didnt understand it.

Homophones are words that sound the same when you say it, but its spelling and meaning are different. In this case, hear and here are homophones because they sound the same, but their spelling and meaning is different. I'm sure you know about this kind of stuff already, so i wont explain. But make sure when you write you are using the right word.

Also, when you write something, whether it's on here or at school or anywhere, always make sure you read it over once or twice. There's always a big chance you mess up on something when you write it the first time. A lot of accidental errors could be prevented if you read it over again. I used to do that too, at school. My teachers always pointed out stupid over-looked errors and i got points off my papers for it. After that, i learned to read over my papers once or twice so that i don't miss any errors i accidently made the first time. Soo yeah, check over your work!

Hope i didnt come across as harsh. I'm just trying to help you.

So other than that, great beginning to a great story!

Keep writing!
~Renee

Hopefully this version is better!

Hey there ScribbleBug! Welcome to YWS, message me if you have any troubles finding your way around the site and such.

Now, onto the review proper.

Overall, my opinion of this was: whoa, wait, what? What just happened?

In other words, this proceeded a tad too quickly for my tastes. We go from Evelyn as a child, her father dying, to her brother dying in a room, to her being taken away by this gang of kids (which I would, personally, have never done, but hey, not everyone is as paranoid as I). You could definitely work on this -- include feelings, emotions, description. Description especially. What do they look like? What does the room look like? What's Evelyn feeling at the beginning? What was Mathew feeling about his father dying? What are the girl's thoughts on this 'new family'? What are her plans? And so forth. All this kind of stuff contributes to making the chapter really solid and enjoyable, but above all, realistic.

The clouds thickened, closing the sun.

Bodies of people 21 years and older lettered the ground.

Hi there Scribblebug! (cool name)

Hope you're enjoying YWS

Let's have a look at your stoooory.

Nit-picks ahoy!

1 - 'The clouds thickened, closing the sun.' - Closing the sun is a weird phrase. I can't really picture that. Maybe try something like 'covering the sun' or 'blotting out the sun' or 'obscuring the sun' things like that.

2 - 'Bodies of people 21 years and older lettered the ground.' - think you meant 'littered'

3 - '"has to be a safe house hear soon."' - Should be 'here' also how can a safe house be there soon? They can't really move. Did you mean that it must be there somewhere?

4 - '"I-can't" He sighed, and shuttered, and coughed.' - Did you mean 'shuddered'?

5 - 'How could he explain to his five-year-old sister that all the adults 21 years and older have and will die? That they all will die because a team of scientists came together to create a vaccine that would hopefully cure any dieses, exploded and the chemical mixture got in the air, and for some reason still unknown, only attacked the adults. There have been reports of safe houses, but no real prof, just rumors. And there is no cure.' - This paragraph is a huuuuuge info dump and seemingly comes out of nowhere. Try to litter this sort of information throughout the story and make it part of the action rather than stopping the flow of the story to explain it.

6 - 'The small group cam into the light.' - Think you mean 'came'

So, onto more general points!

The dialogue here is very confusing. I'm never entirely sure who is speaking when or who is speaking to who and I'm still not overly sure. Think you need to address that, perhaps add some more tags and space the dialogue out appropriately. Give the separate characters a more distinct voice. Like make Evelyn's voice more child like so we can easily pick her out.

Also, this is waaaaaaay too fast. I have story whiplash. The different events happen too fast and as I started to grasp what was going on (it wasn't always very clear) you skipped four years into the future. Then Matthew died and then all these characters appeared and took her away and o.0 It's just very rushed and quite confusing. So just try to slow down, take your time with it, weave the story because from the little information you've given...there is an interesting premise at work here.

I hope that was helpful! Let me know if you have any questions And keep writing! I want to see where this goes!

Bex x