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The Survivors- Prologue

by ScribbleBug

The clouds thickened, obscuring the sun and casting darkness over the endless grassy planes of North America. Evelyn stumbled in the trail of her father and brother, panting hard and trying desperately to keep up. Evelyn tried not to look at the body-strewn ground, the evidence of the incurable virus' passage. Clutching her doll to her chest, Evelyn kept her eyes on her father, trying not to think about what they all could be breathing in. Her father coughed a horrible, hacking cough. “The safe house… It has to be out hear!” hen crooked out.

“You don't know that, Dad. It could all be crap. We need to get Evelyn away," Matthew pleaded.

“You know as well as I do that the virus only attacks of you’re 21 or older.”

“Its not that, it’s just, being out hear… Its not good for a child to be wading through this stuff,” Mathew said as he waived his hand at the carnage, men and women who just died where they stood. Their father coughed again. “Dad! Come on, we need to go!”

“Daddy, I’m thirsty,” Evelyn wined.

“We cant stop now! We have to keep going! Not much further now-“ This coughing fit shook the older man’s body. He dropped to his knees.

“Dad!” Mathew ran to his side. “No dad! Please!” Tears started to well up in his eyes. The old man rolled onto his back, his salt-and-pepper hair matted with sweat. “Mathew. Mathew, I’m sorry. Please- please take care of Evelyn.”

“No. Dad, no. You’re fine. Just, come on. Come on! We gotta go home!” His voice was getting thick with emotion. Evelyn came over. “Daddy. What’s wrong? Daddy, wake up.” Evelyn’s father coughed again, and a small line of blood ran into his half-day beard. “Evey, I love you. Okay Evey? I want you to do something for me, okay? Can you do something for me Evey?” Evelyn nodded, clutching her doll closer to her chest. A tear cleared a trail in the dirt and dust in her cheek. “I want you to remember me and mommy, okay Evey? Do you remember Mommy?” Evelyn nodded again. “Yes,” she whispered. “Okay. I want you to remember mommy and me, okay? Will you do that?”

“Yes,” Evelyn said. She started to cry harder. “Daddy, don’t go!” Her father looked at her, and brushed her black hair, wiping the tears out her big blue eyes.

“Remember Evey. Remember.” His eyes turned glassy.

“Noo! Daddy!” Evelyn howled. Mathew took Evelyn’s hand, realizing that they were on they’re own now. He wiped his eyes. “Come on Evelyn. We need to get out of hear.” He scooped her up, and started towards the city. “Wait,” Evelyn said. She wriggled out of Mathew’s arms and ran back to where her dad lay. She hesitated, gave her doll one last squeeze, and put her in her dad’s arms. Then she ran back to her brother, burying her head in his neck. "I wan to go home mathew."

"We are sweat heart. We're going home."

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Points: 647
Reviews: 1

Mon May 27, 2013 5:43 pm
RayRayxxx wrote a review...

This was a really good prologue and I'm interested in what the virus is. I found it really gripping; I didn't expect one of the characters to die so soon but I liked that they did, it made it exciting. I actually found the father dying quite sad which is surprising since he dies so early on. I will definitely be reading the next chapters.

Overall it's really good, it just needs to be proof read to remove spelling errors. At the beginning it says "hen croaked", I'm guessing it's meant to be "he". Also "attacks of you're 21", the "of" needs to be made into an "if".

Their only minor errors and apart from that its really good, well done, I hope the rest is as good! :)

ScribbleBug says...

Why thank you! And, due to a change in my head and having no computer until now to update this prologue on, read the 21 part at 20 please! Hope you enjoy the rest!

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1634 Reviews

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Reviews: 1634

Mon May 20, 2013 8:09 am
Deanie wrote a review...

Hi Scribblebug,

So this was a good prologue. I'm interesting in what the virus is, and what caused it. But it was a little hard to read because of the misspells. Here should be instead of hear. Sweet should be instead of sweat. And once you put of instead of it. Remember that Matthew Always needs a capital letter and two t's. But apart from that, all good and onto the next chapter.

Deanie x

ScribbleBug says...

Ooh, I'm so sorry! Might be my computer, or just my horrible spelling skills. Either way, I hope the misspellings get better in the future. Thanks for reading!

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18 Reviews

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Reviews: 18

Sun Mar 03, 2013 5:32 am
EatSleepRead1120 wrote a review...

Hey, EatSleepRead here.
I love this story-it looks really interesting. :)
Buuuut, there were some things that jumped out at me. i have a huge pet-peeve over words being used the wrong way, and i dont mean to offend you when i say that most of the words were used differently. im just trying to help.

And don't worry; lots of writers tend to have this problem too.

"hear"-i know you meant to say 'here', but sometimes words like that made me go back and read it again because i didnt understand it.

Homophones are words that sound the same when you say it, but its spelling and meaning are different. In this case, hear and here are homophones because they sound the same, but their spelling and meaning is different. I'm sure you know about this kind of stuff already, so i wont explain. But make sure when you write you are using the right word.

Also, when you write something, whether it's on here or at school or anywhere, always make sure you read it over once or twice. There's always a big chance you mess up on something when you write it the first time. A lot of accidental errors could be prevented if you read it over again. I used to do that too, at school. My teachers always pointed out stupid over-looked errors and i got points off my papers for it. After that, i learned to read over my papers once or twice so that i don't miss any errors i accidently made the first time. Soo yeah, check over your work! :)

Hope i didnt come across as harsh. I'm just trying to help you.

So other than that, great beginning to a great story! :)

Keep writing!

ScribbleBug says...

Thanks! Yeah, I'm a REALLY bad speller. And the HEAR and HERE and others like that confuse me, but I'm working on it X) sorry for the confusion! Hopefully you'll see an improvement in the future! Thanks for reading!

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20 Reviews

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Reviews: 20

Sat Feb 09, 2013 10:50 pm
ScribbleBug says...

Hopefully this version is better! :)

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289 Reviews

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Reviews: 289

Sat Feb 09, 2013 10:53 am
Caesar wrote a review...

Hey there ScribbleBug! Welcome to YWS, message me if you have any troubles finding your way around the site and such.

Now, onto the review proper.

Overall, my opinion of this was: whoa, wait, what? What just happened?

In other words, this proceeded a tad too quickly for my tastes. We go from Evelyn as a child, her father dying, to her brother dying in a room, to her being taken away by this gang of kids (which I would, personally, have never done, but hey, not everyone is as paranoid as I). You could definitely work on this -- include feelings, emotions, description. Description especially. What do they look like? What does the room look like? What's Evelyn feeling at the beginning? What was Mathew feeling about his father dying? What are the girl's thoughts on this 'new family'? What are her plans? And so forth. All this kind of stuff contributes to making the chapter really solid and enjoyable, but above all, realistic.

The clouds thickened, closing the sun.

Hmm? Closing the sun? Perhaps you mean covering, or obscuring. But I don't see closing.

Bodies of people 21 years and older lettered the ground.

How does he know? Well, perhaps he assumes so, but still, right at the beginning, throwing that detail in is kind of confusing and apparently redundant. When you explain it later on, it seems rather info-dumpy. You may want to work on that.

About your dialogue, a really quick thing before I close this one. I know Totes below me wouldn't do this, but I will. Here's Writing good dialogue by our lovely beckiw.

keeping that in mind, overall, this wasn't bad! I look forward to more, although, I hope the novel itself isn't just about this virus. I don't see exactly how interesting and engaging you can keep things for an entire novel.

Hope this helped

ScribbleBug says...

Thanks! Spoiler alert: Only kids are left in the world, so that's why they come and take her, because they have to keep her safe from this barbaric tribe (I will explain much better later :)) And the virus is the reason there are only kids in the world left, and the whole story is these kids coming together to fight the barbarians and finding a cure to the virus. So, in a way the whole thing is about the virus, but also not about the virus. Does that make sense? If it doesn't, then just read more. I'll explain everything in chapter 2 or 3

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272 Reviews

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Fri Feb 08, 2013 2:46 pm
beckiw wrote a review...

Hi there Scribblebug! (cool name)

Hope you're enjoying YWS :)

Let's have a look at your stoooory.

Nit-picks ahoy!

1 - 'The clouds thickened, closing the sun.' - Closing the sun is a weird phrase. I can't really picture that. Maybe try something like 'covering the sun' or 'blotting out the sun' or 'obscuring the sun' things like that.

2 - 'Bodies of people 21 years and older lettered the ground.' - think you meant 'littered'

3 - '"has to be a safe house hear soon."' - Should be 'here' also how can a safe house be there soon? They can't really move. Did you mean that it must be there somewhere?

4 - '"I-can't" He sighed, and shuttered, and coughed.' - Did you mean 'shuddered'?

5 - 'How could he explain to his five-year-old sister that all the adults 21 years and older have and will die? That they all will die because a team of scientists came together to create a vaccine that would hopefully cure any dieses, exploded and the chemical mixture got in the air, and for some reason still unknown, only attacked the adults. There have been reports of safe houses, but no real prof, just rumors. And there is no cure.' - This paragraph is a huuuuuge info dump and seemingly comes out of nowhere. Try to litter this sort of information throughout the story and make it part of the action rather than stopping the flow of the story to explain it.

6 - 'The small group cam into the light.' - Think you mean 'came'

So, onto more general points!

The dialogue here is very confusing. I'm never entirely sure who is speaking when or who is speaking to who and I'm still not overly sure. Think you need to address that, perhaps add some more tags and space the dialogue out appropriately. Give the separate characters a more distinct voice. Like make Evelyn's voice more child like so we can easily pick her out.

Also, this is waaaaaaay too fast. I have story whiplash. The different events happen too fast and as I started to grasp what was going on (it wasn't always very clear) you skipped four years into the future. Then Matthew died and then all these characters appeared and took her away and o.0 It's just very rushed and quite confusing. So just try to slow down, take your time with it, weave the story because from the little information you've given...there is an interesting premise at work here.

I hope that was helpful! Let me know if you have any questions :) And keep writing! I want to see where this goes!

Bex x

ScribbleBug says...

Thanks! I thought it was a bit fast too. It was written late at night, so sorry for the errors X) I also partially blame auto-correct on my computer.
I'm new to writing pro-loges. I usually just jump into the first chapter, So this is a new thing for me. Thanks for the review! It helped a lot. I'm just not sure how to incorporate the information on the virus, without dropping in like a bomb shell. Do you have any advice? Also, do you have any ideas on how to slow the writing down without it being slow and 8 pages long? Thanks! Hopefully the rest of the writing id better :)

You can't fool me! I listen to public radio!
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