Hello there Gummie! Dogs here with your review. To start I think your avatar is cute . Anywho back to the point, I think this is a good poem with a great idea. Although it still is a little unclear at times and I'm not sure what to make of it. You have a great start, describing an abstraction and sparking the readers curiosity.
"Creating what is also/
A kind of life."
Ok this is a confusing line. I think I understand what you're trying to say from it but it's a little awkwardly worded. I'd suggest say "way of life" instead of "kind." It'll help the flow. For the most part your flow is impressively good, I commend you for that.
On a side note, I'm not a fan of, in poetry, when people capitalize every single line of their poem. Of course in poetry you have the leniency to do what you will with grammar, but I think that the capitalizing just looks sloppy and boring. I don't know but for some reason look at a little more mix of capitals and lowercase letters is just visually stronger and nicer to see.
Alright so your first stanza is pretty darn good, not much for me to say there. But then you move into your next stanza and things get quick confuffled.
"But she-/ "she goes into the holes..."
Ok who is "she?" is She the life, the jagged blade you described in the beginning? If so that doesn't make any sense because then you say: "life has gouged out of us," so that question remains totally unanswered. And then you go and talk about "he" and she and he fill us and heal us. I don't know what to make of that because as the reader we have no idea who "he" or "she" is. These are things you, as a writer, need to clarify. A certain amount and air of unanswered questions is good for your writing, but not when they are such a key element to your poem. These are things that need to be answered to help the readers understanding of your poem.
All and all this is a good piece, but certainly need a little touching up in the second stanza. I like the first one though, great imagery there. Let me know if you ever need a review, Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Points: 52441
Reviews: 662
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