I think that this was a great start to a piece, however it could use another look or two. In the beginning, I really loved the rhyme scheme. I think you had great Ideas with it in the beginning, and it flowed right into the piece. However, as you moved into the second stanza and on from there, it was apparent that you were struggling more and more to make the rhymes continue to work. You don't have to keep the same pattern through the whole poem though, try to remember that, and if you want it, try to make it sound more natural. Read through three lines at a time, and figure out how the sentence structure, voice pattern, rhythm, and rhyming works. It can never hurt to read through and correct your own work, especially in poetry.
I would just like to take a minute to point out how great the imagery is. However, in a few spots it is rather cliche, although you might have meant for this to be. I'm not sure, so I thought I should point it out anyways.
Other than that, I highly suggest reading it through for grammar mistakes. I know it can be hard with poetry, but it really helps. (poetry is abstract enough without changes in the meanings because of messed up grammar!). I could point out a few things, but I think it is most helpful to check it out yourself first and see if you can catch them. If you want me to read it over after you do this, and check for any other grammar mistakes, you can message me or post on my wall and I wouldn't hesitate.
Overall, I really loved this, it has great imagery, and although it could use some more work, what piece of writing couldn't?
Great job, and keep writing!
Points: 435
Reviews: 68
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