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142,234 Literary Works • 677,062 Reviews
I think that this was a great start to a piece, however it could use another look or two. In the beginning, I really loved the rhyme scheme. I think you had great Ideas with it in the beginning, and it flowed right into the piece. However, as you moved into the second stanza and on from there, it was apparent that you were struggling more and more to make the rhymes continue to work. You don't have to keep the same pattern through the whole poem though, try to remember that, and if you want it, try to make it sound more natural. Read through three lines at a time, and figure out how the sentence structure, voice pattern, rhythm, and rhyming works. It can never hurt to read through and correct your own work, especially in poetry.
I would just like to take a minute to point out how great the imagery is. However, in a few spots it is rather cliche, although you might have meant for this to be. I'm not sure, so I thought I should point it out anyways.
Other than that, I highly suggest reading it through for grammar mistakes. I know it can be hard with poetry, but it really helps. (poetry is abstract enough without changes in the meanings because of messed up grammar!). I could point out a few things, but I think it is most helpful to check it out yourself first and see if you can catch them. If you want me to read it over after you do this, and check for any other grammar mistakes, you can message me or post on my wall and I wouldn't hesitate.
Overall, I really loved this, it has great imagery, and although it could use some more work, what piece of writing couldn't?
Great job, and keep writing!
Hey there! I will be reviewing your work today!
Overall Comments
You did a great job on this poem. I love how in depth you are with your scenery. I think that is the most important part of a poem. I do have a few things I would like to point out!
Critiques
This is a problem I have. I can tell you are trying to do a rhyme here but these two don't really work together. I would add another sentence to make it work with the style of your poem. Personally, it really sticks out when you are reading the poem.
This doesn't make much sense. I believe these two are different sentences. Maybe if you change the "we" to "us" and take out the comma after it. I think that would make it sound better to the reader.
Right here I would assume the same thing. These are two different sentences. You use your comma's as periods to make the sentence longer. I think you are just running it one with different subjects that have no meaning to one another. Unless you take the comma out from the "eyes" and add an "And" after it. It would sound more correct that way.
Right here I don't think you need to repeat the "My heart" again.
Ending Comments
You did well, I like how the stanza's are neatly placed with the right spacing. I do have a few critiques I gave, those are completely my opinions. You don't have to listen to them. I just personally think you use comma's too much in this. Sometimes comma's work for poems, sometimes they don't. Other than that, keep on writing my friend! I can't wait to read some more of your work. Thank you for your time.
~Whitewolfpuppy :3