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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Yup, it's a big problem that your poem revolves around a questionable usage of the word "sappy". Sappy, to me, usually seems pretty happy. Like, people who are being sappy are not even considering being sad. They're like "oh, life is grand because my boyfriend is just a big ball of lovingness and I love him so much and my mom is the woman who gave birth to me and I am so lucky lalala" with a little more depth I can't imitate right now. And if you're going to be all, "But I meant slow and depressed like sap from a tree!" don't be silly, 'cause that's not how readers will read the word at all!
Haha, but I do think you were aiming for something good and just didn't quite get there. I think you can get away with rhymes feeling a little hollow and forced, 'cause you're not trying to like drag happiness out of us by force, BUT lines 9 through 12 make absolutely no sense at all so they don't serve your purpose. Instead of smiling at something light, the reader gets confused and unhappy.
Also, lines 17 through 20 are kind of problematic in that way, too. Instead of focusing on a happy image, they remind the reader of a bad time with much stronger language than you use for any of the mirth. "Curse your own birth" is so dark! Like, how could hearkening to that emotion help with trying to make your reader happy? haha, and if someone were really in that state, do you think they could be helped by being told "don't worry, be happy"?
I dunno. I'd like to see you bring in happier images or happier scenes. Like what's something that really makes you happy that you think could make anyone happy? Besides the usual (kittens, puppies, babies for some). You don't have to drag yourself for the trenches for this rather insubstantial poem, but what you've written sabotages the little you are trying to do.
PM me if you have questions or comments~ Or leave me a wall post. I'd be happy to talk about it. Good luck, push further, and keep writing!
I like this poem, I do, but it's filled with rookie mistakes.
I'm gonna point out the mistakes and make it better, Kay.
"When you are worried DURING trouble,"
"So, my friends, don't worry, be happy,"
And I don't know if you know this, but sappy means oversentimental, so maybe change it to snappy.
This poem has a rhyming scheme that is extremely forced, and it just detracted from the poem. It was extremely childish, and so I think it would have been better to go for a poem that didn't rhyme. And if you insist on writing poems that rhyme, remember, it HAS to make sense. This poem didn't: make sense, that is.
Also Tense changes. Why? It's so jarring, and it made my head hurt.
Out of the entire poem my most hated stanza would have to be this one:
When you move with your chin touching your chest,
Everyone will think you are a jest.
You may have failed a single test,
But it will always be too early to give up your quest.
Seriously, what were you thinking? This one didn't make sense at all. The forced rhyming, again. Just, please stop.
And also, no one can BE a jest. A jester, yes; jest, no.
You've got potential, it's hard for everyone at first, don't lose hope.
Keep writing.
Sherlock