z

Young Writers Society



Thief Assassin: Chapter 2

by Auxiira


Auxi felt the wind blow through her hair as she ran across the rooftops, the High Road, making sure not to infringe on the other Thief territory. She couldn’t be bothered to deal with the conflict that would come with doing so. When she arrived at the Market which circled through the middle of the whole of the Outer circle, she stuffed the City Guard flag deep into her rucksack and dropped down to street level. She joined the bustling activity that was the Market and started to make her way towards her base. As she walked through the Market, Auxi looked closer and saw hints of the misery that almost half of the Outer circle’s residents lived in. In this city, the further you lived from the Inner circle, the poorer you were. Auxi’s base was just on the other side of the Market, so not yet the poorest; it had a bathroom and a kitchen, unlike quite a few others and had two tiny bedrooms on the first floor, one for her and one for her second, Zach. Unlike other houses in the same area, it also had access to the maze of underground tunnels that the thieves used.

Above and underground, her area was one of the biggest. It covered one of the makeshift quarters that the city had been divided into and was full of danger for people who didn’t live there or who were poking their noses into other people’s business. She was also one of the only Thieves that helped and took care of the orphans in her area. The way she saw it, those kids were an endless source of information and deserved to have some hope in life, even if it was with the darker side of the city. With her they had food, water and a roof over their heads. Without her they might not even have their lives.

As she pushed her way through the Market, one of these children came skipping up to her.

“Zach is mad and says to get back here now.” He said in a quiet little voice. She slipped him a copper and told him to go and by himself something. For the kid that much was a treat. For her, that little was nothing. When you were a Thief, money ended up not really mattering. Especially after three years of extremely successful business, however much Zach thought she didn’t work enough.

Zach. He was her second and had been the former Thief-Master’s too for the few years before he died, killed by a soldier. She trusted him more than anyone else and he was the only one allowed to tell her what to do. Zach had been the one to find her close to death in a side street after having been beaten up. She had been lucky. Most died. Zach had nursed her back to health and then drifted away again, even when she had become Thief-Master staying not quite an acquaintance, not yet a friend. That was all she wanted, a friend who would listen and support her. Zach made sure that she turned up when she was needed and tried to make sure she didn’t escape from her duties but didn’t always manage, and that was when she had fun, like today.

Exiting the busy ring of the Market, she took to the High road again, jumping over the narrow winding streets that made the area past the Market an impenetrable warren of streets and passages. Dropping down onto a small flat roof with a trapdoor in it, she pulled the hatch open and dropped down onto the bed underneath it, closing the hatch as she did so. She was about to get up and leave the room when a voice sounded next to her.

“Sal Auxi.” The simple, normally peaceful tribal greeting was coated in barely hidden but still friendly menace made more threatening by the deep voice that uttered it. Auxi swore silently then turned to the owner of the voice, standing in the shadowed corner of the room.

“Salaan Zach… what are you in here for?”

“Oh I’m sure you know what I’m here for. What you did was so irresponsible! We were going to free James back soon anyway so why did you go and free him? That’s not the worst part! Why did you provoke the City Guard and let them almost get you? Did you even stop to think about the consequences? You know that you would be executed so why do you do it? What would the rest of us do if that happened?” he hadn’t risen his voice but somehow that was worse. She hadn’t thought about what would happen, she never did. She was more afraid of living than dying. She never knew what was going to happen when she was alive.

“If … I was got,” she started, glaring at her knees. “If I was got you would become a far better Thief than me and everyone would probably be a lot happier than they are under me.” She answered bitterly. Zach could see the pain in her eyes and looked at her, an unfathomable expression on his face;

“Do you really believe that?” he asked, the threat gone from his voice. It was comforting and as he moved forwards into the light she looked up at him and realised once again that another girl might have fallen in love with him by now.

He was quite good-looking and couldn’t hide his toned body under his black tunic however much he tried. His chestnut brown hair had been cut roughly with a knife and the ragged ends hung slightly over his eyes, which were such a dark brown that they were almost black. He blended in with the shadows behind him and an intimidating aura surrounded him but it didn’t faze Auxi. She had seen more intimidating people.

“Maybe. It always seems that way. Less people’s lives would have been ruined if I didn’t exist.” She looked back at her hands sadly.

“What about the children who work for us? Their lives would be a lot worse if we hadn’t taken them in and that was your idea. You saved their lives. Anyway, enough moping. Just don’t do what you did again, okay?” she nodded reluctantly and smiled a little.

“Let’s go down shall we?” she asked before standing up and leaving the room and going downstairs, Zach following her. She went into the kitchen and opened an almost invisible hatch under the table. She slipped into the hole, down the ladder placed there and grabbed an oil-lamp, lighting it as Zach arrived next to her. They were in the passage behind the room that she used to conduct her business as a Thief-Master. As she opened the door to the room, she said to Zach in an uninterested voice, “Did you know that a new captain has been posted to the other side of the Market, in our area?” Behind her Zach frowned as he passed over the step that descended into the room.

“A new captain? No, I didn’t”

“He was the one who tried to get me,” she replied as she sat down behind the desk and started shuffling through the papers on it, setting a few aside as she did so. “He’s called Jack Rinka; about 20, black hair, blue eyes with a scar over the right one, definitely from one of the Midnight tribes, and a strong electric elemental magician who uses a gun as a focuser. There is a lot more to him than meets the eye. He’s got those empty eyes and you don’t normally become a respected captain at that age without a lot of talent and a reason to do so. He’s an interesting guy.” A knock at the door made her stop talking. She called in the person and a timid little girl poked her head around the door.

“The gutter who wanted to see you is here, boss.”

“Thanks, Penny. Send him in as you go out please, Zach.” She picked up a small dagger from a drawer in the desk and started cleaning her nails with it as a stout ferrety man shuffled into the room.

“So, Gen.” Auxi sighed, not even looking at the man. “What are we going to do with you?”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
2631 Reviews


Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

Donate
Sat Feb 02, 2013 2:50 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello again! So now I've had my breakfast and I'm ready to give you a second review! Which will be my first as a Squire of the Green Room, very exciting!

Specifics

1. Maybe a one line description of the flag streaming in the wind behind her? I have this image in my head anyway, but it would be a lovely touch and nice to just keep track on where that flag is currently so that we don't come to her stuffing it into her bag and think 'oh yeah, she has a flag'.

2. I don't like the phrase 'hints of the mystery' because hints is too casual or light a word. A hint is usually a good thing. This is why when Sherlock was written, he went searching for clues and not hints! I think you could use 'signs' or 'marks' or 'remnants'. Something that's either neutral or negative. This might be partly because when I first read it, I read misery as mystery because hints= mystery time.

3.

As she walked through the Market, Auxi looked closer and saw hints of the misery that almost half of the Outer circle’s residents lived in. In this city, the further you lived from the Inner circle, the poorer you were.
Let's try to avoid saying 'this city' as much! That distances the reader a little from the story. We don't want them thinking of this being one of a million cities. We want this to be thecity. This is where the story is taking place. Maybe try:

...the misery that almost half of the Outer circle’s residents lived in. They were the poverty stricken, shivering on the fringes of the city, out of sight of the rich Inner dwellers.

4.
Auxi’s base was just on the other side of the Market, so not yet the poorest; it had a bathroom and a kitchen, unlike quite a few others and had two tiny bedrooms on the first floor, one for her and one for her second, Zach.
I am going to break you out of this habit, I promise. But basically this line is one of those where you're phrasing it like you're giving us information, instead of like it's part of the story. I don't want to hear that she has the biggest base just yet. We'll get an idea of that later when we come across other people's and show us the danger at some point. We don't need to hear about it second hand! Show us the drunks and pick-pockets she passes on her way and show us her taking care of orphans. I don't want to hear any of this second hand.

Please consider deleting any section where you're dumping information on us. This needs to be weaved into the story, not handed out in fatty chunks. You could skip the whole section until you have the kid running up to her and then show us she's an orphan and show her reliance on and fondness for Auxi.

5. I don't like the spiel on money not mattering to her. If it doesn't matter then her gesture means nothing and you've just negated her redeeming factor! For a moment you might have won me around to liking her. So money has to still mean something. It means something to anyone, otherwise there'd never be any hungry people in the world because we'd all give our money to them.

6. I don't wanna hear about Zach like this. I'm sure you're tired of me saying this by now but you should be happy, it's the only big flaw I'm finding in your story and it's not even a deal breaker! But. I don't want more than a line or two about Zach from her thoughts. If you want us to get an impression of him, have her talk to the orphan for longer and drip in a few details then.

7. Your dialogue doesn't match the tone you're going for. In the section I'm about to quote, there's too many exclamation marks and stress words like 'even'. It's difficult as you want him to ask a lot of questions, but it's not until the end that we know he isn't shouting so in my head, he was shouting.

“Oh I’m sure you know what I’m here for. What you did was so irresponsible! We were going to free James back soon anyway so why did you go and free him? That’s not the worst part! Why did you provoke the City Guard and let them almost get you? Did you even stop to think about the consequences? You know that you would be executed so why do you do it? What would the rest of us do if that happened?” he hadn’t risen his voice but somehow that was worse.


To fix this, either have a break earlier. So he says a few things and then you describe his tone and then he says more. Or make the lines less question-orientated and remove that exclamation mark. That's the writing equivalent of raising your voice!

8.
He was quite good-looking and couldn’t hide his toned body under his black tunic however much he tried.
This is a weird sentence. Why is he trying to?

Overall

Plenty going on in this chapter. It was a little weak at the end there as I don't find the dialogue between Auxi and Zach believable. You've not shown s a girl who thinks about things like this, especially after such a successful theft. She can feel about about what she did, but she shouldn't go so far the other way into the whole 'I'm worthless' attitude. It's annoyingly out of character and gains her no sympathy. I'd rather see a little genuine regret but a determination to stick by her love of fun and the fire she showed in the first chapter.

That's all for now. Catch you again soon!

Heather xxx




User avatar
197 Reviews


Points: 13932
Reviews: 197

Donate
Fri Jan 11, 2013 10:14 am
View Likes
Lycando wrote a review...



Hey there!

First off I'm liking the way this develops. It's becoming more and more interesting, and the characters of Auxi and Zach. Auxi keeps her playful kind of character who likes to have fun and Zach is introduced as the serious kind of guy who doesn't play around at work. Zach somehow bears a similar character to Jack. And their names rhyme too :P

This chapter was heavier on narration and description and I like that. It's good to know when to use more description, like in the market. However you said, "When she arrived at the Market, an immense market" it gets sort of repetitive and the sentence structure becomes awkward. Is Market the name of the place? If it was just call it Market, then use the word shops instead to describe how it looked like.

For the dialogue part between Zach and Auxi, I felt the mood change a little too fast. One moment Zach is pretty darn mad at Auxi, but just a few words from her and he cools down? Not very realistic there and also a little too easy for Auxi. I want to see some annoyance from Zach if he was truly angry. She seems to be the leader among the two given that she gives orders but Zach seems to dare to reprimand her. What's with that?

Overall this story was pretty well done except for some rephrasing that is needed. Re read the whole story and pick out certain parts which you think don't flow as smoothly as they could. Rephrase the words there and this story would have a great narration. Also the ending was pretty well done in my opinion, and it was a fairly good cliffhanger. Hope to see more chapters coming out from you!

Hope my review helped!




Auxiira says...


Thanks for the review! It helped!



Auxiira says...


Um. Zach is more worried than mad. But the only way he shows it is by yelling. He loves her and doesn't want her to feel insignificant which is why his mood changes so suddenly...
(I changed it a bit to explain why he can yell at her...)




I cannot separate the aesthetic pleasure of seeing a butterfly and the scientific pleasure of knowing what it is.
— Vladmir Nabokov