Young Writers Society

That was fantastic! I love the mystery surrounding the boy and that you didn't explain why he was walking in the first place, at least not outright, so there is even more of a mysterious air about him. I also really liked the ending. I think it was the perfect ending for the story, the only one that really makes sense in context of the story in my opinion. I have to say that this was a great story and I have no criticms.

Hey there! I'll be reviewing your wonderful piece of work! :3

Alright, I have to say that you have a lot of emotions within this poem! I am loving it already! You have a great ending, considering that fact that we are in December! I just love it! You have a unique style, I like how you word your verses to were they flow into each other kind of like a story would. I am liking it!

A few things that you can change would be, describing what is going on a little better with a setting. I think that most of the boy that you are referring to is let up to the reader's imagination. Which is nice, but I would give the boy some detail to prove that he is actually a part of the story and not just words. Possibly give off the colour of the boy's hair, maybe how tall he is, what colour his skin is, or even his eye color since you talk about the snow hitting his eyelashes.

"His face drained of color, lips blue from the cold.

I stay silent,
As I understand why the boy stopped walking.
He had died,
Alone. "

A freezing cold poem. Yeah, perfect time to post it here (December)
First of all, you've written nicely and it shows. Nice use of words throughout the poem.
But I sensed wrong use of tenses, I may be wrong but

He walks by my window everyday,
But he never sees me.
One day I follow him.

Monday of last week the boy stopped walking.
He didn't walk by my window.
He didn't walk by the park.
The boy didn't walk.

He didn't the next day.
Or the day after that.
Or any day since.
So I decide to walk , and see if I can find him.

I don't have anything to add that StoryWeaver didn't already. Really, I'm only commenting to tell you how much I loved this.

Keep it up.

Hey, here to review!

"Sometimes he walks alone,
Right by my room, unaware of his surroundings.
Is music playing to[[o]] loudly in his mind?
Are his thoughts racing to[[o]] fast?"

So, I have mixed emotions about this stanza...as your first, it is (along with the last) your most important, and I feel like it's close to having a decent hook, but then you just kind of lose it with the questions. I would put them in a way that's kind of wondering, but not in the form of a question. Example: "Sometimes I wonder if the music plays too loudly in his mind,/ or if his thoughts just race too fast."

This is merely a matter of opinion, but I felt as though it lost some of its impact.




"I wonder where he goes,
That boy that [[not "that," who]] walks alone.
I watch the leaves crumble beneath his feet, [[get rid of the comma]]
And the wind sweep through his dark hair." [[get rid of "dark," it's unnecessary]]



Conceptually, I thought this was really interesting. In fact, I like it quite a lot, and the straightforward style, the way it steadily climaxes, works really well. You switch from present to past tense, so fix that, clean this up a bit, and you'll have a grade-A poem.

Just out of curiosity, though, what's the story behind this? Did he die from the cold? Did he do it intentionally? Am I too dense to have picked up on context clues? I feel as though I don't know whether or not his death was intentional.

Anyway, keep writing!