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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hey there!
I am liking this poem, I like how short and to the point it is! I think you could have added more detail, but that is my opinion. I have a few things that I would like to comment on, if you don't mind.
"...This cold cloudy day."
Here I think you can add a comma between cold and cloudy, like Audy had said, but if you want to use the word cold. I would look up a few synonyms that mean the same thing as cold but gives it a different sense to the reader.
Now that we know it is a cloudy day, I already know that it is going to be grey. Likewise with the cold part, use different words that mean grey. Maybe you can say it darkened, hopeless, despairing, glum, or grim. Any of those words would work in this kind of poem, but that would mean you would have to change the sentence.
Well other then that, you did great! I can't wait to read some more, mind giving me a shout out if you post more? If so, thanks! Have a great day, thank you for your' time.
~Whitewolfpuppy :3
Disheartenedcat,
I'm liking this. I'm loving the simplicity and portrait-esque way of writing. It's crisp, it's refreshing - this doesn't suffer from being overtly melodramatic, as is too often the case. Your breaks in particular give this piece just the right amount of movement and pause for reflection, and I know that to be more difficult to get right than it looks.
I just have some technical things:
You would want a comma after 'cold.' Also, I'm not too much fond of "cold" here, simply because it was used more effective in the first line. Shorter pieces call for more precision. Every word must matter. If your droplets are cold, chances are the day is cold too. Likewise, if your day is cloudy, we already know it's gray...
But what I like about this line (and the next) is the delivery. The passive voice, which writers too often overuse or use incorrectly, is splendid here. It really captures this air of lethargy and makes for a ....well quite dismal tone! Which is in fact the point! So wonderful job with the crafting there.
I am loving the concept of this piece - the portrait or photographic way of capturing an image, and the idea that time stands still really, really goes well together. I like this idea very much. But there's something about the leading up to that end that I'm not too fond of. You set up this simple, elegant prose and throw in some passive voice there, subsequently you are setting up an image and a tone: an atmosphere, a mood.
The "frigid air" line kind of breaks from that mood. I mean, the line is fantastic, it is beautiful, don't get me wrong! But these progressive tenses "stopping hearts, chilling souls" you're setting up this locomotion - the action is happening presently and progressively, like a train on the go -- and not only is it moving faster, but it sticks out like a sore thumb from your entire poem because of the different tense, but also because of that break! and so when you get to the last line, you're expecting a BANG!
....and instead you get a pin-drop. It's anti-climatic xD
But other than that! Lovely, lovely piece. Seriously, I would love to see more from you!
~ as always, Audy
And if I could edit my review, I'd correct my own grammar mistakes v-v (Gee, Audy, how hypocritical of you) My apologies, Cat xD
Hi, disheartenedcat! I'm Rocky and I'm going to review your poem for you today.
Like GeeLyria said, this is great. The first stanza is definitely the strongest point, and has great imagery. The only thing I could say about it is that the third line is a little out of place. Perhaps there is another way to say it? Other than that, the stanza is awesome.
I've noticed that you edited and that the parts GeeLyria pointed out before aren't there anymore. Though it seems short and slightly abrupt, I like what you replaced it with better. It has more imagery than before and describes things in a more creative way. The last line, although great, seems to throw things off though. I think it has to do with being shorter than the line before it, but that's just my opinion. I also think that maybe, since it's so short, the second stanza could be combined with the first.
Other than that, this is great! Love the imagery and your word choice.
Keep writing!
~Rocky
Hi, disheartenedcat.
Love the name, lol. I am Solly, and I've just read your poem, and I'll share my observations now. That's all I'll say for now because I'm socially awkward like that. xD
First off, amazing imagery. Your descriptions are written neatly, and it's like they've been composed, specifically to be psychologically evil, wanting to drag us to certain mood. Lol. Which is splendid, so Congratulations! xD
Now, when it comes to the other two stanzas, I can't be as proud. And when it comes to the second one, it's not what you said, but how you said it. It's normal, and that's somewhat boring. Be creative! I know you can find another way to say that, one that is thought provocative.
The third stanza is alright, but I was kind of expecting more than that. I, personally, appreciate variety; I wouldn't have repeated that last line. Actually, I would've cut it off from the second stanza and place something different instead, because I think it's nice that you end up a poem remembering the reader the title of it.
Overall, it's good. It could be better, though, and I believe you have the potential to make that happen.
Have fun writing,
Sol<3