This was a rough draft at best and I posted it premtively, I had too many theems for it swirling trough my head so I am just gonna take it down, re work it, and repost it
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
By looking at the reviews...I SO WANNA READ THIS.
Please tag me when you put this back up!
Sad :'( Didn't even get a chance to read it. If/When you put it back up I would be happy to read it for you!
-Carly
Nitpicks
I generally spell out numbers unless their something like 2,776,569,209 or a date or time, etc.
“Ok” isn’t a word.
If he’s scanning the crowd just in someone shows up by chance, he isn’t expecting anyone. So you don’t need to say both.
Comma splice.
I don’t think this is quite the right word. You could just take it out completely, if you want.
Um. I don’t think they chain people up anymore. Clocks don’t have gears anymore, either.
When you have a line break in the middle of a quote, you don’t put an end quote, but you do put a beginning quote.
You missed a space and period.
General
You have an interesting story here. You did a good job with suspense - what did Mr. Daryl do? - and characterization. I'm afraid I didn't really get the ending. What makes Alice decide not to see her father? Has finding out about Mr. Daryl destroyed all of her hope in humanity? Is she afraid her father will bring a Rottweiler with him? Is she just tired of waiting? It doesn't make sense as it is. It's good writing-wise that Alice made this big decision, she doesn't want to see her father after all, but we need at least a hint of why, or else it doesn't seem believable.
You had a couple of recurring grammar issues. One is capitalization in dialogue. Things like "he said," "she whispered," etc. do not get capitalized because they aren't a separate sentence. Here are some examples:
Right: "I'm hungry," he said.
Wrong: "I'm hungry." He said.
Right: "I'm hungry." He walked into the kitchen.
Wrong: "I'm hungry," he walked into the kitchen.
The other was missing apostrophes, in "Mr. Daryls chains" and "Your fathers here." These are examples of the two uses of apostrophes: possession and contractions. You use an apostrophe and an s to say "the chains of Mr. Daryl" this way: "Mr. Daryl's chains." You use an apostrophe to say "your father is here" this way: "your father's here," just like you say "don't" for "do not."
Otherwise, good job and keep writing!
Prolix
Thank you for the edits! The weakest point of my writing is that I am not able to self edit. The thing I was trying to capture in the end(which I didn't pull off very well) Is that Alice saw Mr.Daryl as the father she never had which is why she decided not to see her real father in the end.
Oh okay, that makes sense, but it contradicts her (understandable) horror at him killing his granddaughter. And she mentions earlier that she sees him as a father/grandfather, so it doesn't seem like much of a revelation at the end.
But let me know when you post a rewrite!
It is a sensible story about a girl who had decided to visit her father but instead visited a good neighbor. This story teaches you the value of love and relationships. It made me cry. I felt for the girl, and the grandfather. Having to deal with a loss of a loved one is hard. So the story was an overall good piece. It was a little catching but had a few grammatical errors.