[deleted]

Nitpicks

Well, here I am, 18 eighteen

I generally spell out numbers unless their something like 2,776,569,209 or a date or time, etc.

My mom would kill me if she knew I was here, but I don’t care.

she ~~wasn’t~~ isn’t gonna stop me from finding out.

I turned to look at him “It’s okay,

“Ok” isn’t a word.

“If you have anyone else to talk to feel free, but you only have so much time with your father once he gets here,” he said routinely

I looked around. Who else would I know in here? Well, ~~that~~ who I would want to talk to, anyway.

some backstabbers ~~that~~ I used to think were my friends

An old man sitting at his own table scanning the crowd just in case someone showed up by chance~~; it didn’t look like he was expecting anyone though~~.

If he’s scanning the crowd just in someone shows up by chance, he isn’t expecting anyone. So you don’t need to say both.

He was my neighbor for the first nine years of my life. He had this Rottweiler

That dog was so sweet to me, and I cried when they put it down.

Comma splice.

I don’t know how, since I look nothing like the little girl he knew.

“I wish you wouldn’t have seen me here, Alice,” he said as I sat down.

“For anyone but you and me it he would have been.

It’s defining.

I don’t think this is quite the right word. You could just take it out completely, if you want.

clinking chains of the inmates

Um. I don’t think they chain people up anymore. Clocks don’t have gears anymore, either.

Like she was before she grew up.”
"She forgot about

When you have a line break in the middle of a quote, you don’t put an end quote, but you do put a beginning quote.

with no collar on, ~~and~~ his ribs showing ~~shown on his skin~~

the first time I met him.” He laughed at this

You missed a space and period.

“Shhhh. Mr. Daryl, it’s okay,” I said comfortingly, rubbing his hand softly. I wanted to cry too but

She screamed at me~~and shouted~~.

undoing Mr.Daryl’s chains. “Mr.Daryl, your ten minutes are up.”

“I’m sorry, Alice,” he choked out as he was forced to stand.
“Don’t be,” was all I could choke out as he was taken away.

“Your father’s here,” he said gently.

General
You have an interesting story here. You did a good job with suspense - what did Mr. Daryl do? - and characterization. I'm afraid I didn't really get the ending. What makes Alice decide not to see her father? Has finding out about Mr. Daryl destroyed all of her hope in humanity? Is she afraid her father will bring a Rottweiler with him? Is she just tired of waiting? It doesn't make sense as it is. It's good writing-wise that Alice made this big decision, she doesn't want to see her father after all, but we need at least a hint of why, or else it doesn't seem believable.

You had a couple of recurring grammar issues. One is capitalization in dialogue. Things like "he said," "she whispered," etc. do not get capitalized because they aren't a separate sentence. Here are some examples:
Right: "I'm hungry," he said.
Wrong: "I'm hungry." He said.
Right: "I'm hungry." He walked into the kitchen.
Wrong: "I'm hungry," he walked into the kitchen.

The other was missing apostrophes, in "Mr. Daryls chains" and "Your fathers here." These are examples of the two uses of apostrophes: possession and contractions. You use an apostrophe and an s to say "the chains of Mr. Daryl" this way: "Mr. Daryl's chains." You use an apostrophe to say "your father is here" this way: "your father's here," just like you say "don't" for "do not."

Otherwise, good job and keep writing!
Prolix

Young Writers Society

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