Young Writers Society

They there!

Sorry for taking almost an entire year to get to this. I was rather busy with some stuff. Anyway, here is your review, as requested!

Firstly, I'm going to agree with Rydia here on some of her mentions - though I fail at poetry so I have no idea really what an abab is, what she mentioned about sonnets vs old English vs Modern English is interesting and you could play around with that idea. Experimentation is always a good way to go if you're not sure on which outcome you like better.

This is an interesting idea - and I understand that the cloaked man was death himself and this is told from death's perspective, yes? Referring to the man in third person - alright that much is deduced along with the fact this merry old drunk man died because he walked a dangerous path at night and was attacked by bandits? I think so - that's what I got but I'm never really good at picking apart poetry, there is usually five hundred different meanings behind each stanza, it's riveting.

Basically, it's a good easy poem to pick out and understand though the message you send overall is one that's given out all the time. There's nothing really different about telling the readers that all good things come to and end and not to walk home drunk on darkened paths.

In any case, death is a cliche topic but you did well with what you did and I did enjoy reading this. One thing I do want to point out though is the mention of the 'reap what he sowed'. I don't understand what the man sowed exactly, there was no mention of his man being so horrendous that he would have to greet death with open arms. So there's that...

Overall, I liked this. I thought you did good and if you have any questions or want to tell me about my terrible abilities of reviewing poetry, don't hesitate to say.

All the best,
-Pink

Hi, here to review!

Line-By-Line

Stanza One: Some of your lines are very awkward! There doesn't seem to be a working rhythm (7, 6, 6, 6) and it's not a natural way of speaking. Your first line is great because it's in iambic pentameter. It goes stressed syllable, then unstressed, then stressed again. Like:

Once upon a midnight road

The other lines aren't working though. You need to make them sound natural and you need to disguise that you're forcing the words to fit the rhyme, or better still decide what you want to say, then make that fit the rhyme. For example, you could have something like:

Once upon a midnight road,
it happened there was a drunken man
and through the darkness swift he strode
with a song and a flask and a paper fan.

Okay so that's a very quick example and it's by no means perfect but hopefully it gives you an idea! Aim for longer lines and aim to say more. Also, if you have to repeat something you've already said, then add another detail. Here you get the road, then the drunken man, then you get that he's moving swiftly and finally the song, the flask and the fan. Fans are optional

Stanza Two: The half rhyme of walk and flock is really great and your rhythm is better in this stanza, but the phrasing is still awkward! Perhaps you could play with 'He walks to a single tune' and then update the third line to fit? I'm also not sure about 'single'. Do we need to know there's just one song? What does that really tell us? It might make more sense to say simple or be more interesting to say lively.

Stanza Three: Okay so we get a new character here but he's just sort of thrown at us without an introduction! This is odd as you take so much care to introduce the first man but then this one we're just expected to recognise? This is a simple fix, just change 'the man' to 'a man'. You have archaic phrasing again - do try to avoid that!

Stanza Four: This stanza would be great if you stretched it out a little. Don't skip out words just because you can, only do it when the rhythm would be improved by doing so, but this stanza would actually sound better with them left in:

But not of my own record (By the way, I think record is the wrong word and starts the reader off on a bad footing)
It is not of my jurisdiction.
He must depart of his own accord
and not by my infliction (That 'of my own' was getting too repetetive so I'd suggest removing it here)

Stanza Five: Don't start with repeating that he will die! It would be much more exciting to describe that the bandits are there and how they look and what they do. The reader knows already he's fated to die and would rather hear about bandits please!

Stanza Six: Reap what he sowed? This is confusing as we've not been told enough about what kind of a man he is. He's drunk, yes, but he seems harmless enough. What has he done to deserve this? Being drunk and a fool isn't enough.

Stanza Seven: Ah so we have death as the hooded figure? It might have been nice to add a few more hints of power and to suggest that the drunken man doesn't see him either, which we will of course take for his drunken state - I wonder now if the ravens were real or not?

Stanza Eight: A simple, pretty well worded stanza. Nice way to end it.

Archaic Poetry

Alright so there isn't much room for this. It's fun to play around with but really if you're going to write in archaic language, you should also follow the rules of archaic poetry. I'm generalising here, but you should write in sonnet format, Iambic pentameter. Maybe the common metre? (That's 8,6,8,6 with an abab rhyme pattern, not so different to what you have now).

That's the best way to do it, but modern English is fun as well! It's also much more accessible for a modern readership and more popular. To be honest, people wanting to read old poetry will read old poetry.

Overall

This is good! Sorry if my review seems quite harsh, but if I didn't think you were doing something right, I'd not take all this time to try and help you. The story is good and I like your angle - the quiet observation of a man's death. You just need to work on the language and the structure.

Just keep experimenting, all of this comes with time and good luck with it!

Heather xxx

I liked this a lot. You protrayed death in a very interesting way, making it seem as a watcher, with none of the power/influence that Death is usually supposed to have. I've actually never thought of it that way before.

Hey!

I really liked the poem and there wasn't any grammar mistakes that I could see. Your poem flowed very well and then led up to the main idea at the end. Great job, this was a very good poem!

Vamp! Pixie here!

I shall review you're poem. Don't kill me if it doesn't help.

I really like you're starting of this - if that even made any sense - and think it led greatness to the ending. When you've put how the man is 'special' and you will invoke a contract type thing.

There wasn't really anything wrong with this poem, to be honest. No spelling mistakes, the big words were conherent and I thought you didn't write this..because it was so good! I thought a famous author wrote this. No lie.

Overall, this poem was really, really, really, really, really good. See ya 'round!

~ PixieStix