When I see a garden—
I see the clay choked in bindweed and purslane,
The mire cracked beneath countless water hyacinths.
I see canarybird vines insisting on heaving
At the crumbling, corroded archway.
The paint peels from the latticework.
Have you perceived the Jerusalem cherries
Glistening between the fronds?
Madam, have you beheld the bleak spines
Of the glorious pincushion trees;
Inflorescences flaming among them?
I see black frost melting
And dripping off the bush lily leaves
They will survive, though you believe not;
Feel the firmness of the blades.
Mushroom-fists tear apart
And puff out over the fragile loam—
Unstoppable.
A carpet of mulching leaves, madam,
For your delicate feet to tread on.
The dog digs a hole amid the bushes.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello again!
I love how descriptive your opening lines are, but I wasn't sure about the use of 'countless' in this one. It might be the syllables that are throwing it out as you have that 2 2 2 3 pattern which makes the line feel particularly lengthy. Perhaps if you changed it to 'The mire cracked beneath rows of water hyacinths' that would break up the two syllable words and flow a little more smoothly.Specifics
1. Title: I really like the title. It's simple but intriguing and it says what it is, but also has you wondering what more there is to the story or whether it will be used as a metaphor. Basically, nice choice.
2.
3. I'm not sure about the image of canarybird vines heaving. How does a vine heave? What force is being exerted on it to suggest that it's heaving? That just feels off to me. Now if you said they were bursting or squeezing, I'd be thinking of them wrapped tightly around it, but heaving to me is more of a pulling action, like there's someone on the other end.
4. I'm not sure about the second stanza. It feels like a shift in perspective and suddenly there are more people than just us and the gardener; we're not co-conspirators anymore. In the first it feels like he's telling us his story, but in the second stanza it sounds like he's trying to sell us something, though I'm not sure what. Obviously not literally sell, but it feels pushier and less natural.
5. I'm not sure about the second part of this poem. The first stanza was beautifully strong and I didn't know where it was going, but the imagery was so great that I didn't much mind. However, it doesn't feel like any plot is introduced further down the line and I can't get a sense for who Madam is or what her importance is in the story, or what it is the Gardener is telling us. That gardens survive? That life is beautiful? I don't know.
Overall
Your strong imagery makes this poem worth saving for sure, but I think there needs to be a greater sense of purpose to it - what effect are you trying to have on your reader? At the moment there isn't a firm narrative, no rush of emotions and not much in the way of characterisation. There's the character and the beautiful descriptions of the garden, but beyond this setting, I can't grasp what else is going on! Your flow and imagery are good, particularly in the first stanza, but I'd like to see more clarity and engagement with the reader!
I hope that helps a little
Heather xx
Hey there runner,
Really nice imagery you've got going there - it's a nice change from the usual mostly-metaphorical landscape we get around here, and your word choice is particularly evocative, paints a great image and gives the garden some life it might otherwise not have had (I'm thinking "insisting on heaving / at the crumbling, corroded archway", which is great personification and also, incidentally, nice alliteration!
I think you've got form and style quite nicely down, so I won't bother you with it, except maybe to just point out that a few lines don't flow quite as nicely as the others: see for example "The paint peels from the latticework" - the [p] sound from the first half of the sentence really doesn't mesh well with the latter half's softer, more rounded sounds. I think also your "I see black frost melting / And dripping off the bush lily leaves / They will survive, though you believe not; / Feel the firmness of the blades." stanza could do with some smoothing - the last line especially seems to cut off abruptly.
That's just very nitpicky stuff, I realize, and probably quite subjective. Take heed or not as you feel.
I think, as a whole, the poem does weaken at the end. The way you keep readdressing that 'madam' is great, gives direction, but I think it lacks a point? I expected some sort of resolution, however small, some light shed on a smaller beauty, but instead just get the dog - which, in other circumstances, might work really well, but here seems to defeat your whole point, i.e. the beauty and the details one might not get from just a cursory glance at the garden.
A good poem, nevertheless. Keep it up!
Heya Barefoot! Here's me for a Quick Critique!
CONCEPT & THEME:
I've always loved a descriptive piece, especially with the theme of nature. I like the concept of the poem: what someone sees in a garden. Or maybe, a secret garden, or a wonderful one. From the looks of it, the speaker seems to tell the story from a memory to another person who lacks the chance to see the garden. Or in fact, as I've thought about it, the speaker doesn't seem to tell about the garden, he's just telling a tale to the blind. Almost all of the words are fit to the theme, which I think is nature and the elements of a garden. The title obviously works well with the theme, so a point on that.
MOOD, STYLE & FORM:
With some of the words and punctuation you included, I see that you're persuading someone to believe in what you saw, or that you're trying to describe what you saw to a person who can't see it, as I've said above. The persuasive mood of the piece is very effective in descriptive pieces since they are, well, full of descriptions. It's also in free verse and I can't see any pattern. But that I think is only to exude that the piece sees the freedom of the old gardener in his prison of a garden. I think the poem has no solution though. I see the problem, the garden, maybe symbolizing the world, is in mess, and gardener is to fix it. But you finished without any tie-up for the piece. If you intended this, then a hanger is okay for me. But I think the last line is not enough; it's very simple and holds lesser value than the other lines.
GRAMMAR & WORD CHOICE:
I see very little grammar-related confusions. Also, I love your choice of words! Instead of normal descriptions like color and quality, you gave participial and specific adjectives which brings more imagery. Also, the uncommon use of some words are found here, to which I find lax.
OVERALL:
I really love this piece as a descriptive one. I just wish that you try to beautify its form, to give it a story, and to give every line a color. Good luck writing!
Your Quick Critic,
Alf