Princess Turned Knight - Prolouge

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

In a deep wood called Devil Fire there is a small town completely surrounded by the wood. This town is called Greendale, it is small and neat, full of merry people and small gardens in front of every well kept cottage. In the center of Greendale is a castle they call Mixed. Mixed is made of the whites and blackest stones people could find, Mixed was complete with towers topped by checkered black and white flages and a large garden below full of black and white rose bushes.

If you were to enter the castle, which would be easy as the guards are kind and trusting, you would enter the wonderful dwelling of the magnificient King Belend and the humble Queen Kristina. There are a great many corridors and stairways that you could explore, but one corridor which ended in a drab staircase led to a room which if you being curious entered, you would find a nice, well lit-room with a small bed and a chest and the foot of it. You, already proven to be a curious peorson by entering the room could not help by walk up to the chest and slowly open it. And here in this chest, you would find the last thing you ever expected to find. Thus starts our story in a chest, which was in a room up a drad staircase and down a plain corrdoir, in the castle called Mixed in a town called Greendale, surrounded by a deep wood called Devils Fire, her is where our story would began as you pick up the small baby girl and carry her out the room, and head towards the queens chambers.

Huh. So the second paragraph especially wasn't quite what I expected. I like how you described the town and the castle in the first one, a few spelling mistakes here and there, but that is to be expected of everyone and they would be quick fixes. It seems others have already touched on the grammatical things, so I will leave those alone so you don't keep eharing the same things over and over.
How you did the second paragraph was interesting. you're purposely putting the reader into the story, similarly to one of those 'Choose your Own Adventure' stories, but you're just explaining one path of it. If you chose this option and this option, you see, this is hwere you end up. I liked that. I also liked how you mentioned how the story began in the chest before you stated what was in the chest. I was almost afraid that you weren't going to say what was in the chest at all and leave us hanging. But, of all the things to find in a chest, a baby girl certainly was not one of the most expected. Actually, you could use that as a suspense hook for your readers. You could not say that it was a baby at all, and say you just pick up the contents of the chest and headt owards the Queen's chambers. Then the reader definitely wants to read the next chapter, to know EXACTLY that it was that was in the chest. As it is is fine also.
Your names are simple, and that's fine. But it also makes me wonder, why was the castle made that way and called that? And why is there a castle in the town of Greendale? Perhaps these questions will be answered in the next chapter, perhaps not, but it causes one to think and wonder about the history of the castle. That could be something interesting to put in your story later. Well, that's all I really have for now. Keep writing!

Hi there!
Nice prologue going on there. For some reason it reminded me of the disney princesses books.
I'd like to review this piece for you and hopefully it will help.

First I'd like to start off with how you told the story. There was enough detail and such but I feel it could have came out stronger. This is your prologue. It's what should attract readers strongly. I really don't know what to expect. Its good when readers start to wonder about what will happen next because they'll read on.

The way you brought in the baby was kind of interesting. We know that things are about to happen which is good, but you want to create enough suspence to hook readers. Maybe mentioning something about the baby before hand. not neccesarily adressing it directly but giving hints about it however small they may be.
Also I know something is going to happen...Or so I think. Maybe adding a foreboding point into their would do good. It's your call. You don't have to change it.


Now here's a piece of your work:
In a deep wood called Devil Fire , there is a small town

Lets not forget those little details.
towers topped with checkered black and white flag s

I think the word 'with' should go there instead. Oh and make sure to edit out those spelling mistakes.



Well So far, you just told us about the people and the king and queen and guards, and I get that they're merry and kind and trusting. Try showing us that and letting us picture that trait instead of telling us straight...I mean you could do it, of course. Telling us straight, but try showing(you don't have to show everything, just some) but that is if you want. for example:
She was the girl that John loved compare that to this,
John's stomach was all butterflies at the sight of her beauty
I know the example is lame but it's the thought that counts. In the second you know that he likes her but I didn't say it directly.

I think I'm being too nitpicky since it's just the prologue, but I'll go through my points again for you:
1) Story telling. The way you tell the stroy is important. You might have a brilliant idea but then you brought it out wrong.(just to further explain. I didn't say you brought yours out wrong. )

2) Suspense. I think that your prologue actually does need more suspence to hook readers. It'll make them curious for more...(which is just the sme as saying hooking readers. But I just wanted to emphasis on that point.

3) make sure you got proper grammar and spelling.
4) show and not tell. This is where you write it in a way that isn't saying it directly.

I hope this helped.
-zo.

Hi! This is a lovely little fairy-tale styled prolouge you have here:)

At first I was a little wary of the style, as it came off not very 'creative' or 'imaginative', but the second paragraph definately picks up the interest and includes the reader. I very much liked how you referred to the reader directly, instantly engaging their attention.

The first paragraph is, well to put it plainly, very corney:P But you may be wanting that I wouldn't know. Honestly I didn't want to keep reading at the beginning, as it seemed like it wasn't going to be written very well, but luckly in the next section gets you curious.

The story-tale writing style is actually quite sweet, but often story written like that can become boring to read. I hope you change the style to include more emotion, which I'm sure you will, in the first chapter.

Few little mistakes:
* 'Devil Fire' in the first line which I think should be 'Devil's Fire'

* 'This town is called Greedale, it is small and ...' Should be a new sentence or have a semi-colon perhaps? So it looks like: 'This town is called Greendale. it is small and ...' or 'This town is called Greendale; it is small and ..."

* 'Mixed is made of the whites and blackest stones people could find, Mixed was complete with towers and ...' Should be 'whitest' and a fullstop after 'find'.

* 'There are a great many corridors and stairways that you could explore, ...'
There are a great many? This sounds a little odd, and although I see you wish to follow the story-telling style, I would change this to: 'There are a great number' or actually, the placing of 'of' after many may help.

* 'You, already proven to be a curious peorson by entering the room could not help by walk up to ...' (I love this bit!) Lets see, there are two spaces between already and proven, a comma is needed after room, and 'by' should 'but'.

* 'Thus starts our story in a chest, which was in a room up a drad staircase and down a plain corrdoir, in the castle called Mixed in a town called Greendale, surrounded by a deep wood called Devils Fire, her is where our story would began as you ...'
Last bit:), which by the way is also very well done in retracing the steps.
A fullstop is needed after 'Devils Fire', which should also have an apostrophy ( ' ) to become 'Devil's Fire'. 'her', should be 'Here', and began is in the wrong tense and should be 'begins', and I would also have a comma after that.

Overall, nice little start, and I'm going to go read chapter one to see how you continued.