z

Young Writers Society



The True Mighty Emperor of the Zanrel- Chapters 1 and 2

by guineapiggirl


Chapter 1
There are three types of drakes and to call them all dragons is akin to calling a slug a wolf.
A real dragon is a servant of the Great Dragon, sent to help someone with a special destiny fulfil it. They work for the good of the Zanrel; keeping their destined soul and the world on the right path. They work only for good; improving the world is their purpose in life. The dragons come from Fountain Island and fly to our land when their destined soul is born. Searching for this person commonly takes years.
Every dragon looks different but they all breathe fire, have wings and communicate not through speech but through the mind of those they want to hear. Unless killed, dragons live forever. When their destined soul dies they fly back to Fountain Island. It is commonly believed that they then stay there forever (as opposed to coming back one day and finding a new destined soul), but we cannot be sure of this. The Great Dragon will reward every dragon that has helped their destined soul and made the world even the tiniest bit better.
Serpents are the opposite of dragons. They rebelled against the Great Dragon and were sent down into the underland. They crawl out of the ground to undermine all the good the dragons do in the world. Sometimes they will bond with a particularly evil person but often they just work on their own, killing and spreading misery to people. They seek only to do evil.
Wyrms are quite different from dragons and serpents and shouldn’t be defined as drakes, but as they commonly are they must be explained. Wyrms are fat, lazy, sluggish creatures. They could fly but rarely bother, preferring to sit still all day waiting for insects to come by, then sticking out their long, pointed tongues (commonly poisonous) to catch them. No-one knows where they first came from. They’re often given to noble children who have failed to bond by their parents. Although obvious to one who knows about dragons, it can be pretended that a wyrm is a dragon, and thus that the child has a special destiny.
And so you see that to compare a dragon, the noblest of creatures, to one of these beasts is unpardonable ignorance.
Written by the famous historian and philosopher Xung Yung Wung, in the twelth year of the reign of the seventh Mighty Emperor of the Zanrel, Hoi Ting
The dragon surveyed the rocky desert terrain, circling lower. For two years he had searched, flying over oceans and continents, for this boy; this child whose fate he must ensure was carried out.
He saw a ramshackle camp, obviously temporary. Several dozen domed tents were scatterd in a rough circle around the dying embers of a large fire where an old man roasted a goat on a spit. Women washed Ragged children played in the dust, hollow-eyed and malnourished. The lives of these people, the Great Dragon’s own people, were hard. The dragon wished he could help them, but the barriers they had made between themselves and the rest of society had turned into a mutual hate and fear of the unknown that only they could cross.
A few miles out into the desert young girls searched for any edible leaves and herbs that could grow on the rocks with little success. Nearby, a scrawny goat-herd were watched over by a small boy. The dragon saw that the goats would not provide decent meals for a week for half the people in the tribe, and that this would be a very hard year indeed before the kids were born. If there were any goats left to have kids.
He looked at the boy who guarded the goats, small and under-developed for his eight years. The boy hugged his belly against the hunger, his elbow-bones jutting out. His arms were bruised and there was a deep cut on his cheek, obviously recent. The boy carved a small wooden lute with his knife, looking up every few seconds to see that the goats had not wondered astray. They lapped at a murky pool of water the boy had found them. The boy had already filled several water-skins with the rare discovery, prepared to take his chances however filthy it was. He sipped at one now.
The dragon dive-bombed towards the boy and landed behind a nearby rock, observing while remaining unseen. Surely this was not the boy whose great destiny he must fulfil? Yet the dragon was growing increasingly certain that it was.
He stared hard at the boy. Beneath the bruises his skin was golden-brown, much lighter than that of his tribe. He had dark eyes, almost black, and long straggly hair. He was as filthy as if he’d never washed. The dragon didn’t imagine he had.
He was sure now that this was the boy. He stepped out from behind the rock and stepped softly on the sand. The boy jumped and turned, wielding his knife. He stopped short at the sight of the magnificent dragon, glittering gold in the midday sun. His eyes widened, admiring every scale and talon.
Hello, the dragon said in that way unique to its kind, speaking no words and making only those it wants to hear, I am sent as the loyal and loving servant of the Great Dragon, to help you find the way and tread the path of your great destiny. My name is Chainoo, and I am honoured to make your acquaintance.
The boy stared at him for a moment, wondering just what to make of this. Then, “Hello. I’m Shii.” Shii looked thoughtful, “What’s a destiny?”
What you should do with your life, though many don’t. The fulfilment of your full potential. The path the Great Dragon has chosen for you; the best thing for you and the world.
“S’pose we’d better do that then, hadn’t we?” Shii said (Jhaamid children are brought up as devout worshippers of The Great Dragon.)
Yes, Chainoo told him, I think we shall do it very well.
Chapter Two
The Jhaamid are all scoundrels, vagabonds and thieves. They steal herds and kidnap children then are gone by the morning, far away in the desert. They are constantly on the run from the law, untraceable and therefore unpunishable.
I wholeheartedly agree with Mighty Emperor Fai Ding, so wise and worthy rightful ruler of our land, braver and nobler than a dragon, that this filth must be removed from the Zanrel.
Written by Zsai Szaai, honourable adviser to the thirteenth Mighty Emperor, Fai Ting, in the first month of his reign.
It was dark by the time Chainoo and Shii got back to the camp. They’d got lost on the way; desert rocks all begin to look the same after dusk.
Shii hoped his mother had saved him some dinner, if she had cooked any at all. The pot had been empty the last two nights and before that it had been old goat bones, boiled into a ‘soup’. Shii would have welcomed anything, even bone ‘soup’, tonight.
Shii had been instantly endeared to Chainoo. The dragon just seemed right; like they had always known each other. It was almost like they were one being. He ruffled Chainoo’s scales affectionately. Chainoo growled, I’m not a dog.
Around the campfire, Eeshmol the chieftain was telling an old folk-tale, the one about a;gh;eohya;ohg;oiw, to much laughter. They were eating spicy meat. Shii longed to go and join in their joy and share their food, but he knew he wouldn’t be welcome. Just like the Jhaamid were thought inferior by society, Shii’s family were inferior to the Jhaamid, the lowest of the low and looked upon with scorn.
When Shii had once asked his mother why everyone seemed to hate them so, she had sighed.
“I suppose it’s better that you hear it from me then from someone else…
I was born the adored daughter of the last chieftain, Gishmol. Eeshmol was my brother. All the tribe loved me; I was spoilt by my father and everyone else, my every whim satisfied. When I became of age, every young man wanted to marry me. But I didn’t want to marry; become slave to the will of some man.” Here Mother had given a small, harsh laugh, “I wanted to be my own master, to have adventures and to see the world! I asked my father if I might leave the tribe for a time and explore. He begged me to stay, but when he saw that I was determined he agreed and gave me his blessing. He was too used to giving into my will. He gave me plenty of gold and provisions and told me to return to him safely, his dear, virtuous daughter.” Mother’s voice cracked and a lone tear traversed the rough lines of her cheek.
“I had not been travelling two days before I was set upon by Lizmii. They beat me, stole everything I had… Then left me near dead.
I should have turned straight back to the camp then but I was too proud. I limped on to the city and arrived a week later, bleeding and sore all over and so hungry. Even in my state I could appreciate the wonders of the city though… Oh, it was beautiful Shii!
“I had no money so I couldn’t rent a room. I lived on the streets for a few weeks, begging, but folk weren’t generous. Even back then, there was prejudice against the Jhaamid. I turned to stealing from stalls in the market-place to stop myself from starving…” Shii had gasped. He knew that stealing was very, very wrong.
“I got by alright for a while, until one night. I was huddled in a doorway, freezing. I hadn’t eaten all day. A man came by and saw me. He offered me a room in his… establishment. And food. Innocent as I was, I didn’t know what he wanted. I thought he was just being kind! I’m ashamed to say that when I found out, I was so desperate that I agreed.” Shii had no idea what Mother was on about. His head was still reeling at the bombshell that she had stolen!
“Then I met your father. Shii, he was a good, honourable man. The best that a man could be. I’m not ashamed of you, Shii. No, you are the only thing left that I’m proud of. And you should be proud to be your father’s son, even if you aren’t proud to be mine.
Never let anyone tell you that you’re worse for your birth. Do you understand, Shii?” Mother had looked at him with such pain and Shii had wanted to do anything to stop her agony. Shii had nodded, though he didn’t understand at all.Then mother had hugged him close, far too tight and for too long, her shoulders shaking, snuffling as she fought the tears. Shii had realised that she wasn’t going to answer his question.
Shii had since decided that it was his step-father’s fault. Aareem was always angry and, at his worst and when drunk, violent. He made his living by stealing from the city-folk and many in the tribe blamed him and his type for the city-folk’s prejudice against them. Several times, he had been accused of stealing from members of the tribe. Although nothing had ever been proved, Shii knew that at least once the accusations had been true. Aareem had stolen Eeshmol’s wife’s ring; Shii had seen it, hidden in the corner of their tent. By the time the tribe elders had come to search, Aareem has sold it in the town and spent all the money on whisky. Shii couldn’t think why Mother had married him; he was always hitting her. He hit Shii too.
When he reached the tent, on the outskirts of the camp, Shii was glad to see that Areem wasn’t back. He could tell because the babies were crying, and when Areem was about Mother always kept them quiet to stop him hitting them. Areem had gone to a nearby city a week ago to sell the cloths that Mother worked so hard sewing. He would come back soon, like a bad smell, drunk and without a penny to show for her hard work.
“I’m home, Mother,” said Shii, ducking to enter the low tent, “I met a dragon today! He’s called Chainoo and he says I have a special destiny!”
“Hello, Shii.” Mother said absentmindedly, not looking up from her work and obviously listening.
“It’s dark, Mother. You can’t work in this light. Won’t you stop that and listen?” asked Shii, picking up the youngest baby, Meeshmi, and rocking her.
Mother nodded and set the fine fabric down. As she stood up Shii saw her struggle with her bulging belly; her ninth child by Aareem. Shii didn’t know why he wanted so many. All he ever did was hit them.
“I don’t know why I bother,” Mother sighed. She was always sighing, “We never get any money for them anyway. I’ll look after Mimi now. What were you saying?”
“I met a dragon today, Mother! He’s called Chainoo and he says I have a special destiny and he needs to help me! Can he come and live with us, please?”
“Dragon’s tail!” Mother swore, nearly dropping the baby, “Get him away from here, quickly! If the tribe find out they’ll kill you both!”
“Why?” asked Shii.
“Don’t you see? The Jhaamid can’t accept that there’s more than one dragon. They’ll say he’s The Serpent and that you’re the demon-gotten child that serves him!” Mother was in a state, “Don’t just stand there gaping; we’ve got to get him away!
Mother had put the baby to bed and grabbed her cloak. She whirled out of the tent-flap, barely glancing at the waiting Chainoo.
“Come on, Shii! Quickly!”
Shii realised that he had been gawping like a simpleton, and quickly whirled into action. The thought that anyone could wish his new friend harm was completely alien to him, but unbearable all the same.
“I’m sorry, Chainoo. Mother says you can’t stay here…” Shii told the dragon.
I know. She is sorry too. Come now, we can’t have you dying. The fate of the world is at hand.
And so the three crept through the night, as stealthily and as speedily as they could be whilst being both speedy and stealthy.
Shii dashed from tent to tent, his heart in his mouth. He didn’t understand Mother’s fear for Chainoo’s life, but he felt it and her anxiety was catching.
Once they were out of the desert Shii saw Mother physically relax a little.
“We’ll be alright, Mother.” Shii said, trying to reassure her, but couldn’t help but add, “Won’t we?”
Mother was silent for a minute, until Shii didn’t think she would reply. Then, “Of course we will. We’ve managed ‘til now, haven’t we?” Mother’s voice was strained, as was the smile that she gave Shii. If anything, it only made him feel worse.
Where can I be kept that no one will find me? asked Chainoo,
“There’s a small cave nearby, where I sometimes tend the goats.” Shii said, “You can stay there; no one goes there but me.”
How shall I find you when the tribe moves on?
“We don’t get far in a day. You should easily be able to spot us without circling very high,” Mother said. Shii felt a strange stab of jealousy that Chainoo was communicating with his Mother, but that was silly. It wasn’t like Chainoo was his, was it? “Only meet Shii when you are sure that he is quite alone. I suppose you have to stay with him, don’t you?”
Yes, said Chainoo, You know I do.
Shii was confused, and beginning to feel excluded, “I can see the rocks up ahead!” he said, hoping their attention would be brought back to him.
The dragon frowned, his eyebrows meeting, Have you never thought that your Mother is lonely too? She needs a friend, as much as you do.
Shii felt dreadful. He’d never thought that Mother might feel as lonely as he did, shunned by the entire tribe, and long for a play-mate or confidante.
But he had Chainoo now, and Mother still had no-one. Shii resolved to be a better son; to spend more time with her and pay more attention to how she was feeling. Such is the power of a dragon’s frown.
They were indeed nearing the rocks and Mother seemed almost to be enjoying herself, chatting away to Shii and the Dragon. Shii realised how long it had been since he’d seen her smile, really smile, and his guilt further increased.
“Where’s the cave then?” asked Mother when they arrived at the rocks. Shii lead them, scrambling and ducking.
“I can’t go any further,” said Mother when Shii expected her to crawl, pointing at her bulging belly.
Shii nodded, wondering why Mother was always having more children.
They wore her out with their insistent crying; as soon as one stopped, another started. Aareem didn’t seem to want them either; they made him angry and sometimes he hit them. Once, he’d punched Mother in the stomach when she was pregnant. Shii wasn’t sure what had happened, but there had never been another baby.
“I’ll be back soon,” said Shii. Mother hugged him, then turned to Chainoo.
I am honoured to have met you, Chainoo told her, bowing his head. And then he stared up into her eyes, and something passed between them that Shii couldn’t share, but the lines lifted from Mother’s brow and she hugged the dragon tight.
Chainoo turned to follow Shii, giving Mother one last smile. The two ducked beneath the rocks and scrambled around until they arrived at a small cave, very deep and only just high enough to sit up in.
“Will you be alright here?” asked Shii,
Yes, said Chainoo, Now go home quickly. I sense that trouble is coming if you dally.
Shii thought that Aareem must be coming back. He would be angry if he discovered them out, and ask questions…


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Sat Jun 02, 2012 2:47 pm
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AlfredSymon wrote a review...



GG! Are you sure you still need my reviews with all of these great reviews from other people? Hahaha! Well, I'll give one anyway, even a short precise one! And sorry for being soooo late on it; I'm a little busy, actually, so I only got this review today to work on. I'm really, sorry, my dear!

First! Every novel needs a great title. Now, since I haven't read the rest of the chapters, I can't wholly say if the title fits or not. But remember, impact matters! Short or long, what matters is how your readers perceive the piece. Truth to tell, I was a bit bothered with 'True Mighty' part in the title since it was a bit misleading as ideally redundant. But, as I've said, I only know a part, so the impact of the title is up to you, my dear!

And dragons, eh? Well, a rare topic to focus, but I'm sure you can make something very great from it! The subject of this chapter, which is about the finding of a dragon, is well-built in spirit. Although I think I've already read this kind of opening, I think it works okay. I do believe, though, that you can expand it more in the following chapters, so I won't tell much about my perception of your theme :) .

In form, now. Firstly, I would really like to advise you to organize this piece's post as if you are ready to publish it. It's very hard to read when everything's stuck together, right? And also, it was taxing to understand what is dialogue and what is not. Dear, remember that whenever you share a piece to public, present it at its best. Next, I think the chapter's were a bit short. I know length doesn't matter in any way; I'm talking about the length of the idea. Good chapters should be able to stand on a steady ground, and I don't fell the first chapter would because it doesn't have a proper subplot. I think, though, that both of these chapters can be formed to one, then chopped up furthermore into two sections.

A chapter by chapter look: On chapter one, the initial paragraph was a bit misleading. It had quite a stagnant opening line, but as I've read, it seemed to be from a book. To ensure that readers get the correct perception, it would be best to explain that it was from a book at the first line (or much better as a different one-line paragraph). You don't need to though, 'cause it CAN be found out as the readers continue on, but for the sake of an early idea, you can see to my advice :) . On chapter two, a lot of things happened so quickly! Remember, you can focus on the mind of the character, heir thoughts and feelings or the surroundings to give a good impression to your readers, you needn't focus on how the events go by. Also, avoid dull words like be verbs (which are found in the piece) and try to use showy words, or vivid words. This will enhance pep and imagery!

I won't focus on grammar, GG, 'cause it seems everyone who critiqued this did! Just an advice. Before you post a piece, be sure to PROOF it, so you can avoid errors which can sometimes be very noticeable. Using a word processor can help you with a quicker spell and grammar check.

So, my Star-o-Meter? Well: :D :D :D :) :)

Just a little more, GG! Just focus on how you present the piece, how you introduce locations and characters and the imagery of the piece and you can make the best of novels!






Thankyou! I'm going to start an edit once I've finished this next chapter!



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Thu May 24, 2012 7:45 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Guinea!

I do tend to be more like Dude with my reviews, so bear with me.

"in the twelth year of the reign of the"~ typo 'twelfth'.

"Yes, Chainoo told him, I think we shall do it very well." And "Chainoo growled, I’m not a dog."~ You should continue to italicize Chainoo's words, to reduce confusion.

Flashbacks tend to cause a lot of confusion, and are hard to make really captivating, so I'd recommend making a prologue that SHOWS his mom being a naive brat, instead of having her telling him. You could then, if you wanted to, comment about how Shii was amazed that his mother was a theif when she told him the story of her past, in the second chapter, which would explain why Shii was an outcast. IDK, just an idea.

"He could tell because the babies were crying, and when Areem was about Mother always kept them quiet to stop him hitting them."~ I don't think it's very feasible that a mother would let her babies cry just because an abusive father was absent, if it were in her power to ease their discomfort.

"not looking up from her work and obviously listening"~ you left out the 'NOT'.

"Mother had put the baby to bed and grabbed her cloak. She whirled out of the tent-flap, barely glancing at the waiting Chainoo."~ Again, I might've just picked up some of my mother's overprotectiveness, but I don't think that a mother would leave babies, especially crying babies, in a tent, all by themselves.

"The dragon frowned, his eyebrows meeting,"~ This just made me go "Whoa! What?!" Aren't dragons supposed to be reptiles...which means that they're hairless, like snakes?

"and his guilt further increased."~ I think you should try to rephrase that, that's just really awkward.

I think you over did it a bit with reiterating the fact that Aareem was violent. Also, if I read this correctly, Mother is pregnant with her ninth child by Aareem (not counting Shii or the baby that Aareem killed during pregnancy), but Shii is only eight. That doesn't seem a very feasible number, unless you mentioned a set or two of twins in there. I mean, eleven babies in eight years...

Overall, I thought that the first part of your first chapter was outstanding! I really liked that how you made clear definitions between the dragons, and drakes, and wyrms (a word I really like, BTW), and serpents.

The second part of first chapter is very good as well; but, like I mentioned, there are some pretty serious flaws in your second chapter, which made it seem like you got bored with your piece; or at least were just writing this part as a space-filler, to be able to get to another part. But it didn't seem like you intended this as a transitional chapter.

Good story though! :D

I hope this helped, and wasn't too harsh.

~Shadow






Thanks! It wasn't harsh, it was really helpful. I'm doing an edit now and I'm changing a lot of what you've said!
I don't really know what I was thinking with the eyebrows. There are three sets of twins so that makes a bit more sense! Sorry about the italics, when I pasted the chapter up they didn't come up italic and I thought I'd gone through and got them all...



Shady says...


Oh, wow... this was an old review. *cringes*

I'm glad that you found it helpful, though. xD



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Sat May 19, 2012 7:28 pm
Shearwater wrote a review...



Hey there, Guinea!

So, since this is a longer chapter I’m not going to be as nitpicky as Dude for the sake of my sanity but I’ll give you some brief thoughts on what I think about your writing and characters as I read your novel.

Firstly let’s start with the introduction. I thought that you jumped into some info-dumping and I got bored and frustrated by the second paragraph. Not because your writing was bad but because there was just too much information and I felt like I had to know all of it in order to understand whatever was going to happen next. I don’t think it’s an effective way to start off your first chapter – try something slightly lighter and add this in later on when you build a firm foundation for your readers. We don’t have to know everything about these different types of dragons and what they do right away.

Now, the boy, Shii (Whose name I adore) seems to jump right into the whole destiny thing, don’t he? I need to know why. Obviously he’s not that old to clearly think of the positive and negative situations. He did also extend a knife to this dragon showing the distrust, so what made him suddenly change his mind? For all he knows, the dragon could be lying.

Approaching the second chapter, I now notice that you used this ‘written text’ as a sort of quote in the begging to slowly feed information to your readers. It’s a good idea but the first one is still too long. Either cut it up into pieces or make it very simple. This dragon = this. That dragon = this. This one = that. And that one = this. Simple and easy to understand.

Also, I will add that you mixed up your Emperor’s name. Fai Ding from Fai Ting in the second chapter beginning quote.

“the one about a;gh;eohya;ohg;oiw, to much laughter.”
I have no idea what that is…lol.

Now for Shii’s mother’s tale, I thought it was a bit suddenly placed. I did enjoy it though but I thought the input location of it was a bit too abrupt if you know what I mean. Also, I wouldn’t tell my son about such an awful life story until he was old enough to understand it and everything. For her to tell him that at a young age just makes her look like a bad parent.

I don’t really understand the dragons and why the humans think of them as animals and something they can shoo away. I thought the dragons in here were respected, feared creatures not something the mother can tell her son to throw out. I think you need to define the hierarchy and social rules in this world a little more.

Overall, I did find this enjoyable to read and some of your descriptions and wording were great and the child perspective was done quite nicely too. If you have further questions on this review, let me know through a PM or you can write on my wall.

All the best,
-Pink




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Mon May 14, 2012 9:04 pm
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DudeMcGuy wrote a review...



Review Time!

This is going to be long and picky (My style, sorry I can't really help it. There is a reason I don't have a review thread of my own), so I'm just going to jump right into it and give my opinion at the end. I'm starting paragraph by paragraph, section by section.

The first sentence needs a comma after "drakes". Also, since this is the first chapter, you should trying spicing up the opening line a bit. Maybe, "There are three types of drakes in this world, and to call them all dragons is akin to calling a slug a wolf." (slug and wolf seems to extreme an example though. Perhaps Wolf and goat or something? Two mammals at least.)

I would change the second sentence too. Something like " . . ., sent to assist another in fulfilling their destiny." (It sounds better when "destiny" is the final word. "special" is unnecessary I think.)

The third and fourth sentence essentially say the same thing. Also, is "Zanrel" the world? Or a person? It's not clear to me at this point.

Also "their destined soul" is a something called a "misplaced modifier". The word "their" implies ownership. And followed by "destined soul" means that the dragons' soul is destined. I know that's not what you meant, but that's how it reads.

There is more info on misplaced modifiers here:
viewtopic.php?f=151&t=74018

Also change, "The dragon's come from Fountain Island . . ." to "The dragon's are born on Fountain Island . . ." It says the same thing, but is a little more descriptive. (I told you I was picky!)

Paragraph #2
Add a comma after "different". You basically need a comma before every "but" that you write in the middle of a sentence.
The second sentence is a little two brief for the idea your communicating. And it hurts the flow of the story a bit because the previous sentence was pretty long. Try something like "Dragons are immortal to a natural death, and can only be killed by . . ." (you have to fill the rest in yourself. It's your story not mine, so I don't want to step on it.)
Change "fly back" to "return".

Paragraph #3
Should "underland" be "underworld"?

Paragraph #4
A little bit of inconsistency here with the Wyrms. Are they drakes or not? The first line of the chapter says yes, but the first line of this paragraph says no.
Change "they could fly but rarely bother," to "They rarely make use of their wings, and prefer to . . ."

OK, the rest of the intro is good. (I like the "unpardonable ignorance" line very much :) )

1st paragraph
The second sentence reads better if you cut ", for this boy;" Just do "For two years he had searched; flying over oceans and continents for the child whose fate he must ensure was carried out."
The rest is excellent and very descriptive.

2nd Paragraph
The first line is too long. Comma after desert. "Several young girls". Period after rocks. Then have a second sentence like "But their efforts yielded little rewards." Or something like that.
Cut "before the kids were born". (It reads better ending with "indeed") Then change the next part to "The few goats that remained might be the last of them." Or something similar.

3rd paragraph
"Dive-bombed" is descriptive, but it feels out-of-place in a story like this one. You need a different word to describe his swift descent.

The encounter with the dragon and bot is pretty cool. Great detail. Be sure to use quote to mark all the Dragon's speech though.

The bit in the parentheses should somehow be revealed another way I think. Maybe the villagers could have an iron great dragon idol or something? and the dragon could notice it as he flys by? Just an idea.

On to Chapter 2!

". . . and before that it had been old goat bones, boiled into a 'soup'." This part reads awkwardly. And they really ate bones? I got the idea that they are going hungry, but maybe you could express it a different way and drop the 'bones' part.

Change "Shii had been instantly endeared" to "Shii was instantly endeared"

"I'm not a dog" is spoken, so it needs quotes.

"the one about a;gh;eohya;ohg;oiw, to much laughter." Massive typo alert!

"Spolied" is misspelled.

Decent enough as I read along here. Cut the "had" in "Shii had gasped"

Also cut the "had" in "The mother had looked at him with . . ."

Uh oh, I'm seeing "hads" all over the place now! I learned a few years ago that the word "had" is usually unnecessary in most cases. Don't cut all of them, but read the sentence without them and then leave it out if the line makes sense without it. It will make your writing flow better.

Look at this part, "Several times, he had been accused of stealing . . ." The "had" here is used correctly. It needs to be there this time to clarify the past action of the father. But, later ". . . the accusations had been true." "Had" is kind of awkward here. How about "the accusations were true." Or "the accusations were correct."

Change "Shii couldn't think why Mother had married him" to "Shii did not understand what led his mother to marry him."
I got rid of the contraction (couldn't, didn't, and other "n't" words should not be used in third person, only in the dialogue) and I killed an unnecessary "had" too!

You have an incomplete thought at "Mother was in a state,". A state of what? Shock? Anger? You should also have it be "His mother was in a state . . ."

"And so the three crept through the night, as stealthily and as speedily as they could be whilst being both speedy and stealthy."

You said the same thing twice here. "Speedily and stealthily".

Put a "The" in front of "Mother was silent for a moment, . . ."

And put a "his" in front of "Mother still had no-one." The "had" is OK here by the way.

And the last line is a little iffy. I get that his step father is a terrible, short tempered dude, but the "and ask questions . . ." at the end feels tacked on just to add a sense of suspense. There wasn't much leading up to it. The reader doesn't really have a sense that these "questions" are important or dangerous.

OK so that's that. Sorry I'm such a grammar-cop. I'm just trying to help you. All my criticism is directed at your writing, not you as a person. Don't take any of this personally.

I enjoyed your story overall. It still needs some work, but it has the potential to be very good. Dragons are just awesome in general aren't they? Best mythological creature hands down.

Your work is very descriptive and enjoyable to read. Thank you for letting me review it. Hopefully others will review it too and give you their opinion as well. (and maybe add anything I missed).

Quick recap:
Look for all of the "hads" and see if you can take them out. Be especially careful with things like "had been" "had seen" "had done" and others like them. These can almost always be replaced with "was", "saw", and "did". They say "had" is a "forbidden word" in writing, (check this out for more info on "forbidden words": http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.actio ... 4977289557 )

^that article was a tremendous help to me with my writing.

And read up on the misplaced modifiers link too.

Be sure to add commas before "but".
Also, unless "Mother" is her name, make sure you have a "the" or "his" in front of that word. (Since Shii is the main character and it's his perspective).

One final thing. I couldn't help but notice that your dragon can speak telepathically to the humans. Did you borrow that idea from my story? Or did we both come up with it at the same time? Either way is fine . . . and awesome :) I'm just curious.

Good luck going forward GPGirl! Keep up the good work. I hope this review was helpful. (Sorry it's so long)






Thanks- rather embarrassing that I left the 'destined soul' and 'a;gh;eohya;ohg;oiw' in! They were place fillers for when I found the right words... It looks like I pasted the old version of my novel up... I've changed them now! I like what you're saying about the 'had's. I always find it difficult to know when to switch to ordinary tense when talking about the past.
I like long reviews, and you've got a lot of good criticism in there.
I had a big think about the telepathic dragons thing at the start of planning my world ages ago (the Zanrel is the oriental side of my world, I can see now that that's confusing)- I didn't want them to just be dumb animals because they're so cool, but having them speak seemed kind of lame. Dragon's can't be lame!
Thanks loads!




constant state of confuzzle
— Quillfeather