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by Cailey


A feather in a hurricane
Torn to pieces in the wind
Dashed against the jagged rocks
Thrown against the sea
Every moment drags along
The feather disappears
Swallowed by the world
Beauty so sweet, so fragile
Devoured by the storm
A glimpse of hope and glory
Yet reduced to specks
Nothing but a memory
Tasting the salt of the waves
Diving through the waters
Soon to be forgotten

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Sun Jul 14, 2013 2:09 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi Cailey! Nite again here for Christmas in July! :)

Now, I did look at your more recent stuff, but this doesn't have many reviews, which is a shame because it's my favorite of yours that I've read. It has some striking imagery that's pretty unique. I especially liked the last stanza.

Now some critiques:

Dashed against the jagged rocks
Thrown against the sea

Not crazy about the repetition of against, and I agree about "dashed" being an odd word. An alternate suggestion:

Shredded by jagged rocks
Tossed into the sea

The second and third stanzas say pretty much the same thing, plus some lines seem to over-state the message. I might consider condensing them to make it stronger. For example:

So sweet, so fragile
The feather disappears

I'd also cut the first two lines of the third stanza for being redundant.

A more general note: I think this piece needs punctuation. While it is the poet's choice, in most cases I think punctuating like prose makes the most sense. I also think it would help show the finality of the feather's destruction.

Overall, I really like this. It has some lovely imagery, but there is some over-stating of the message that could be condensed. Great job and keep writing! :)

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116 Reviews

Points: 9869
Reviews: 116

Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:32 pm
InfinityAndBeyond wrote a review...

Hi! I'll review your poem, as requested :)

I like your general idea of concentrating on a feather, it's a nice simple piece of work. I also liked the imagery you've described thouroughly well. This will be a short review as you've got a really nice poem here :)

I'd suggest though for the line;
"Dashed against the jagged rocks"

Dashed kind of corrupts the feel of the poem so i'd suggest maybe;
Shattered against the jagged rocks?

Also the "Yet" In the last stanza is not needed, you could just leave it as reduced to specks.

Overall great poem, keep it up :)

Infinity x

Cailey says...

Thank you!! :)

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373 Reviews

Points: 1622
Reviews: 373

Thu Mar 29, 2012 4:01 am
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tgirly says...

I really could sense the mood through this piece, and I really liked the imagery. I wish the stanzas were more uniform in length though, it would make it feel less chunky when reading. So sad.

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