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by June3

What is this place?
It's no longer my room,
It's hostile,
It's dangerous.
It's a battlezone,
My eyes are searching everywhere,
But not fast enough.

The walls are getting darker,
Something just moved,
I hear footsteps outside,
My arms are crawling,

I can't breathe.

Stare at the door,
Don't look away,
It's waiting for me to fall asleep,
But the door's in the way,
My ivory gate of death.

It can't hurt me,
Not here.
It doesn't know where I am,
But, it after me for somereason,
Because I know it exsists,
I know something,
So it's going to kill me,

I can smell it,
The smell of fear,
Swarming all around me,
Leaving me no where to hide,
But, it already has me,
The battle has already been lost,
What I'm trying to protect,
Is what I fear most,
Worse than the deamons,
More terrifying than paranomal activites,
My mind.

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1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Sun Feb 24, 2013 10:14 pm
Kale wrote a review...

Hello there, June3. In the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3

I can't breath.

Should be "breathe". Every little error in a poem weakens the entire poem, especially short poems.

Stare at the door,
Don't look away,

I think these two lines would work better if they were italicized or somehow made a bit more visually distinct from the rest of the poem, seeing as how they're imperative statements. As it stands, they're quite jarring because up until this point, the rest of the poem has been the narrator talking about what's happening.

But, it after me for somereason,
Because I know it exsists,
It doesn't like my hair,

And this is the point where the poem just completely fell apart. "It" is trying to kill the narrator because it doesn't like the narrator's hair? That just completely killed any tension this poem had.

I would strongly recommend cutting out the hair line, as well as maybe the rain line. They really don't add anything to the poem, and they actually hurt the piece by making the situation seem silly.

Overall, you had a good, terse start, but you also had a lot of spelling errors. You really need to fix those errors as there were a lot of them, and they were very distracting from the poem.

One other thing that would help this poem is more focus. Don't mention things like the rain or hair or paranormal activities. Focus instead on what is going on and what the narrator is currently feeling right at that moment. It will make the poem much more tense, as will including more specific details about the situation. For example, instead of talking about the rain, perhaps describe a bit where the narrator is. Some specifics would go a long way in making this poem stronger.

"The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein