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by gokubrother

I am gone.
Tired of my special Purgatory,
I go forth and struggle to reach the light.

Is my only salvation.
I dream of the land of happy endings,
Where lovers rejoice and leave all else behind.

If only I could find a way...
These dark tendrils embrace my guilt and regret.
I succumb to the endless waves of darkness,
Pleased that they accept me.

I open my eyes.
A crimson red haze envelops my weakened body
And parts slightly,
Revealing a narrow passage that I've gone down numberless times.

As I go closer, the end of the path seems clearer.
"Could that be paradise?" I whispered.
It is my most wanted desire; one I cannot reach.
I exhale slowly and drift away...

I awaken in an empty room.
The memories of my journey have remained.
"It seemed so real." I told the wall.

The words of an ignorant youth:
"I go forth and strike down those who dare stop me!"
How naive I was...

I am gone.
Tired of my hellhole,
I limp to the edge of the chasm
And cave in to despair.

Spoiler! :
If anybody can guess where I got the title of my poem, I'll give them a surprise!


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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Mon Aug 05, 2013 12:36 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Oh noo~ An unreviewed work! Well! I have good news. I'm here to not only give you a review on this lonely piece, but also another in order to make up for your Deadbeat Santa who didn't fulfill his or her promise to give you the two reviews in the Secret Santa program. Better late than never, right? So merry Christmas and on we go~~~

Right away, the first thing I noticed was something that could potentially make your poem a lot stronger. Most of it is written in the present tense, but, like this example:

"Could that be paradise?" I whispered.

There are two moments where you accidentally slip into past tense. Or maybe you had written it that way originally, changed it, and missed a couple lines. EITHER WAY, I think it's really important to consider which tense will work best for this poem. In my opinion, this would feel way more natural in past tense. Present tense is really hard to work in. Mostly it comes off as a cheesy choose-your-own-adventure, which definitely doesn't fit with the epic tone you're trying to convey in this poem.

Another thing I think needs some attention is the clear progression of events. After I read this poem twice and three times, I still didn't really understand what had happened. Because of that, I wasn't able to get a lasting impression that would allow me to remember your poem! D: If you work carefully to make sure that the reader, as well as yourself, understand the progression of the poem, we'll be much better able to love and remember it.

That said, I particularly love the ending here. I love that it's clear we went through some kind of torture, and once we were rescued from it, we didn't want to keep going up, we just slipped away into nothingness. It wasn't an expected ending. We usually go from torture to triumph, but I feel like this was more realistic, a more honest depiction of the end of this confusing tale.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me.
Otherwise, I'm on to another piece for you~

If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
— Noam Chomsky