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Agony in a receptacle.

by Nihasa


AGONY IN A RECEPTABLE

A blistering stroke of sun rays awakened my tender eyelids. My innocuous soul exasperated at the obnoxious yelling at the door ajar. Dragging me to the corridors, where I look askance, the sinful world appeared before me with its comrade-in-arms.

I behold the congregation of the horde comprising whiners, loners and lamenters over the untimely detachment of their beloved ones.Numerous causes served to be the parapets of grief, ruminating over the past miseries of lost love ,withering in pain, lay those stranded in the agony of love, serving as the slave to the melancholy, their plight rotted their soul and they appeared somber with an emaciated heart. Chauvinistic analogies and flaunting their love to be greatest, in-numerous individuals suffered in the unrest. Proposing themselves as the greatest victim of cupids wrath, they suffered from treacherous luck and intrigued love.

Another boulevard attracted me and I saw a multitude of homo sapiens walking in the hoarse. Dwellers of slum, sick and decrepit, some returning from the funeral cortege of their loved ones, crippled and orphans, harlots and handicapped, abandoned folks staring with the hopes, grief stricken faces awaiting succor, they looked their siesta the the cradle of gloom. In the midst of all these, there stood I chronicling their agony in goblet of tears.


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Wed Sep 22, 2021 4:57 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

A blistering stroke of sun rays awakened my tender eyelids. My innocuous soul exasperated at the obnoxious yelling at the door ajar. Dragging me to the corridors, where I look askance, the sinful world appeared before me with its comrade-in-arms.


Hmm, that's an interesting paragraph to start with there, I have to say its a little unclear as to what exactly its trying to go for. It seems like its being a bit too abstract there with the descriptions being used to the point that in such a short piece here, it doesn't quite seem to make sense. You can sense a general feel that something is potentially about to go wrong, but its just a little too vague sounding here.

I behold the congregation of the horde comprising whiners, loners and lamenters over the untimely detachment of their beloved ones.Numerous causes served to be the parapets of grief, ruminating over the past miseries of lost love ,withering in pain, lay those stranded in the agony of love, serving as the slave to the melancholy, their plight rotted their soul and they appeared somber with an emaciated heart. Chauvinistic analogies and flaunting their love to be greatest, in-numerous individuals suffered in the unrest. Proposing themselves as the greatest victim of cupids wrath, they suffered from treacherous luck and intrigued love.


Okay...I think this one just leans in far too heavily into the words here. At some point, you need a few simpler world sprinkled in their to ground these heavyweights here or it all really starts to fall apart which is what I think is happening here. First of all, you don't really pay off the setup from the last line of the previous chapter. Then it just kind of takes off in this long description technically appears to repeat a similar idea multiple times. So uhh...this needs a little bit of a rewrite here cause this doesn't appear to be going anywhere.

Another boulevard attracted me and I saw a multitude of homo sapiens walking in the hoarse. Dwellers of slum, sick and decrepit, some returning from the funeral cortege of their loved ones, crippled and orphans, harlots and handicapped, abandoned folks staring with the hopes, grief stricken faces awaiting succor, they looked their siesta the the cradle of gloom. In the midst of all these, there stood I chronicling their agony in goblet of tears.


Okay..so this finally gives us some sense of what's going on. It looks like we have otherworldly being studying these human souls passing through as they express their sorrows for some reason which makes me think of perhaps some kind of person that overseas the dead. Here you can get a hint of a fun concept, but it seems to be a bit of a standalone scene here, there doesn't seem to be much promise for more here so I'm wondering if perhaps this is not a novel.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Apr 29, 2011 1:52 pm
Calligraphy wrote a review...



Hi Nihasa! I hope you are enjoying it around the site so far.

I am not sure what this is meant to be. I have the feeling of an introduction though. I would love to see this expanded. One thing a lot of people on YWS like to do is summarize their piece in a spoiler so reviewers know what to expect. You can also ask questions to let people know what you feel you are struggling with. This lets them know what they would touch on. For example:

Spoiler! :
Hi guys, this is the first part of the Si-Fi short story I am writing. I think I am having trouble with my speech though. Does it sound unnatural to you? I am also doing this for school so if anyone wants to help me with my awful grammar that would be great!


It doesn't have to be very long and you don't have to spell out what is going to happen, but giving the reviewers a general idea is nice.

One thing I didn't like about this was that because your descriptions were so heavy I felt like you were putting on a forced writing style. Maybe this is just because you don't see a lot of people writing like this anymore, but is that naturally how you think? Because you have so much description I started to focus on the singular words instead of the whole concept. The good thing about this is that it gives you a unique writing style and you have a wide vocabulary, but I would tone it down a bit.

Another thing I noticed was that you have a few typos and grammar mistakes. I won't be annoying and point them all out to you, but I would read through this piece and concentrate on each sentence individually to see if there are any grammar problems.

Overall this was good enough where I wanted to see more and I usually don't read this kind of stuff. I like your style even though I feel like it is still developing. If you have any questions just P.M. (private message) me.

Hope I helped,

A. S.




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Fri Apr 29, 2011 7:03 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Hi Nihasa!

First of all, I'm not quite sure this belongs in Romantic Fiction, and it certainly doesn't look like it's a novel. Would you like me to move it to the "General Fiction Short Stories" section? PM me if you do! :)

Now, about this piece! I am not quite sure "innocuous" fits the description of "soul" very well. Not to bad mouth that particular description, but it seems a bit strange. Also, you have a couple of typos in here! For example, "cupids wrath" should be "cupid's wrath." So just keep an eye out on that. :)

Your writing is very forceful, made especially so by your use of strong nouns. It kind of reminds me of James Joyce, a little bit, in fact! However, I would love to see your descriptions expand in the verb realm too. Basically, when you talk about the congregation of the horde, it might be nice to have a story. For example, in James Joyce's Ulysses, he writes this:

Spoiler! :
Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:

—Introibo ad altare Dei.

Halted, he peered down the dark winding stairs and called out coarsely:

—Come up, Kinch! Come up, you fearful jesuit!

Solemnly he came forward and mounted the round gunrest. He faced about and blessed gravely thrice the tower, the surrounding land and the awaking mountains. Then, catching sight of Stephen Dedalus, he bent towards him and made rapid crosses in the air, gurgling in his throat and shaking his head. Stephen Dedalus, displeased and sleepy, leaned his arms on the top of the staircase and looked coldly at the shaking gurgling face that blessed him, equine in its length, and at the light untonsured hair, grained and hued like pale oak.


So, not only does he use interesting nouns but he also uses interesting verbs to accompany those nouns so that his character does something. :)

Anyway, I would love to see this expanded into something deeper. :D





When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer