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~Remorse~ Chapter One: Marianne

by Jas


The shock on Brooke's face was golden. She took another sip of her 352 calorie PinkBerry smoothie and tried to seem uninterested. I hid the smile on my face as she asked her next question.

"Um, d-do you know what it said?"

I faked a sombre look. Of course I did! Doesn't mean Ms. Queen Bee has to know she can find out from some freshman or something. I giggled a little and Brooke's look of confusion brought me back to reality.

"No, I really don't. It's so sad. I know you and her had history and stuff," I said, the last part lowered to a whisper in case someone important heard and thought Brooke was weird or something. I mean, yeah, she was the most popular girl in school, a title she deserved, but if anyone heard that she was friends with some freak who killed herself, then well, she might as well go hang out with Druggies now.

Brooke ducked her head down and whispered to me.

"Look, don't tell anyone that I was friends with her."

I smiled to her sweetly, thinking about how I was going to spread that without it being traced back to me. It would be nice to have Ms. Got-It-All feel the scorn of her peers for once.

"Of course not, Brooke. I'm so sorry for your loss." I put my hand on her arm during the last part. She shook me off and got a bitchy look on her face.

"It's not my loss. We weren't even friends. We haven't talked since 8th grade and she was a freak anyway." She said in a fierce tone.

Even I was shocked at her pissy attitude. She just insulted someone who was dead. Someone who would be alive if she hadn't been such a bitch to her. Well, according to the note anyway.

"Whatever, Brooke." I said resignedly. The bell began to ring and the entire homeroom began to get up to go to first period. I stood, fixed my skirt and started to walk away when Brooke grabbed my arm.

"It's not my loss, Marianne."

I gave her a soft smile and walked out of the classroom, already thinking about what, who and when to say the secret that would ruin Brooke's rep for all the time she stays at Alton Prep Academy.


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Mon Jan 17, 2022 6:44 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The shock on Brooke's face was golden. She took another sip of her 352 calorie PinkBerry smoothie and tried to seem uninterested. I hid the smile on my face as she asked her next question.

"Um, d-do you know what it said?"

I faked a sombre look. Of course I did! Doesn't mean Ms. Queen Bee has to know she can find out from some freshman or something. I giggled a little and Brooke's look of confusion brought me back to reality.

"No, I really don't. It's so sad. I know you and her had history and stuff," I said, the last part lowered to a whisper in case someone important heard and thought Brooke was weird or something. I mean, yeah, she was the most popular girl in school, a title she deserved, but if anyone heard that she was friends with some freak who killed herself, then well, she might as well go hang out with Druggies now.


Okayy...this is a intriguing start. For one I love how we're thrust right into the middle of what seems like a pretty serious conversation right here from the context we're getting at the moment. Things are certainly proving to be very interesting with what we've got at the moment, and all in all, this is telling us quite a bit about the kind of dynamic the characters have and getting us invested as well.

Brooke ducked her head down and whispered to me.

"Look, don't tell anyone that I was friends with her."

I smiled to her sweetly, thinking about how I was going to spread that without it being traced back to me. It would be nice to have Ms. Got-It-All feel the scorn of her peers for once.

"Of course not, Brooke. I'm so sorry for your loss." I put my hand on her arm during the last part. She shook me off and got a bitchy look on her face.

"It's not my loss. We weren't even friends. We haven't talked since 8th grade and she was a freak anyway." She said in a fierce tone.

Even I was shocked at her pissy attitude. She just insulted someone who was dead. Someone who would be alive if she hadn't been such a bitch to her. Well, according to the note anyway.


Ohh, well now that makes things even more complicated, at first I thought this was something a lot more minor, but now it seems we're dealing with some sort of potential and now the tone with which this is all going down feels like its perhaps not quite as serious as it should be. Well, this is certainly taking some interesting turns at any rate.

"Whatever, Brooke." I said resignedly. The bell began to ring and the entire homeroom began to get up to go to first period. I stood, fixed my skirt and started to walk away when Brooke grabbed my arm.

"It's not my loss, Marianne."

I gave her a soft smile and walked out of the classroom, already thinking about what, who and when to say the secret that would ruin Brooke's rep for all the time she stays at Alton Prep Academy.


Well, this seems like a very unhealthy relationship for the both of them judging by how that particular situation went. It looks like things are shaping up for a rather tumultuous plot here and I think in that sense, this ending is quite cause you do find yourself wanting to read on and find out more. However, overall, I feel like you need to be thinking a teensy bit more in terms of making this whole death situation a little bit more serious and impactful there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Feb 03, 2011 1:37 am
BondGirl007 wrote a review...



Hi, Hope here to review your old old junk. Blah.

I faked a sombre look. Of course I did! Doesn't mean Ms. Queen Bee has to know she can find out from some freshman or something.
Little bit of confusion here, does that mean that everyone knows or something?

I smiled to her sweetly, thinking about how I was going to spread that without it being traced back to me. It would be nice to have Ms. Got-It-All feel the scorn of her peers for once.
Ooooh she's undermining and evil...I like her.

Even I was shocked at her pissy attitude. She just insulted someone who was dead. Someone who would be alive if she hadn't been such a bitch to her. Well, according to the note anyway.
Ooooh and the plot thickens. I like the fact that you're telling the story from the point of view of the two mean girls instead of the girls they pick on. Now the only thing I'm wondering is how does Marianne know all about the note? And wouldn't the whole homeroom be all abuzz about a girl killing herself? Especially if the popular girls are making a big deal about it.

So yeah *some witty ending line here*

~Hope




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Sun Jun 20, 2010 3:18 am
Elinor wrote a review...



Hiya,

Meh. I don't really like this bit. I want so, so much to like this story, but I just can't. Skins already brought up a lot of excellent points, so this review will be brief.

In this chapter, Marianne feels like Brooke and Brooke feels like Marianne. In the prologue, Brooke was sweet and caring, while Marianne was preppy, whiny and somewhat careless. It's good that you establish characteristics early on, but you need to follow through with them and hold a shred of continuity. To me it feels like you're only using this first person to establish who thinks of who what way, which isn't a very subtle way of doing things. It's telling, not showing, in a way. By the way characters interact with each other, we should be able to get a sense of how they feel toward that person. ;)

Brooke and Marianne are different people, so when you write from their points of view, they're going to sound and react differently to things. And here, they don't. First person can be a popular mode of writing to gravitate to, since most think the easiest. However, it's actually the hardest, especially when you're writing from multiple POVs. You've got to really ground character, realize who they are, and what you'll do to distinguish that character from the others.

Overall, this chapter felt like filler. It seems as though you're putting the fantastic story on hold to relay a few thoughts to us, and it's not very exciting. I'm sorry, by the way, if I sound like I'm being too harsh or I'm beating you down. I love the plot, and I love how you tap into what High School life could be like, especially when something like a death happens. I hope you continue the novel, and I'm curious to read more. PM me when the next chapter's up, or if you need anything else, alright?

-Elinor x




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Sat Jun 19, 2010 5:56 pm
Jas says...



Thanks! :) I think Marianne is my favorite character so far, lol. I kind of based her off someone I knew, but shhh, she can't find out.




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Sat Jun 19, 2010 5:45 pm
pinkangel54123 wrote a review...



The shock on Brooke's face was golden. She took another sip of her 352 calorie PinkBerry smoothie and tried to seem uninterested. I hid the smile on my face as she asked her next question. #FF00FF ">It seems a bit wierd that Marianne knows how many calories are in Brooke's smoothie.

"Um, d-do you know what it said?"

I faked a sombre look. Of course I did! Doesn't mean Ms. Queen Bee has to know#FF00FF ">. She can find out from some freshman or something. I giggled a little#FF00FF ">, and Brooke's look of confusion brought me back to reality.

"No, I really don't. It's so sad. I know you and her had history and stuff," I said, the last part lowered to a whisper in case someone important heard and thought Brooke was weird or something. I mean, yeah, she was the most popular girl in school, a title she deserved, but if anyone heard that she was friends with some freak who killed herself, then well, she might as well go hang out with Druggies now.

Brooke ducked her head down and whispered to me.

"Look, don't tell anyone that I was friends with her." #FF00FF ">Ha! I love Brooke!

I smiled to her sweetly, thinking about how I was going to spread that without it being traced back to me. It would be nice to have Ms. Got-It-All feel the scorn of her peers for once. #FF00FF ">Scorn of her peers seems very odd for Marianne to be thinking. She doesn't seem like the type of person that even really knows what scorn means.

"Of course not, Brooke. I'm so sorry for your loss." I put my hand on her arm during the last part. She shook me off and got a bitchy look on her face.

"It's not my loss. We weren't even friends. We haven't talked since 8th grade and she was a freak anyway." She said in a fierce tone.

Even I was shocked at her pissy attitude. She just insulted someone who was dead. Someone who would be alive if she hadn't been such a bitch to her. Well, according to the note anyway.

"Whatever, Brooke#FF00FF ">," I said resignedly. The bell began to ring and the entire homeroom began to get up to go to first period. I stood, fixed my skirt and started to walk away when Brooke grabbed my arm.

"It's not my loss, Marianne."

I gave her a soft smile and walked out of the classroom, already thinking about what, who and when to say the secret that would ruin Brooke's rep for all the time she stays at Alton Prep Academy.


I think that I love Marianne WAY more than I should. Her character is built perfectly. Unlike the last chapter when it was Brooke narrating, I found that there was a lot more emotions that we got from her. I really don't have anything to complain about. All the rest of my comments are up there.^

Always,
~Danie




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Sat Jun 19, 2010 12:19 am
Jas says...



Thanks Skins! :D




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Fri Jun 18, 2010 11:08 pm
Sins wrote a review...



Hey again, jas. :D

You know the drill!

I mean, yeah, she was the most popular girl in school, a title she deserved, but if anyone heard that she was friends with some freak who killed herself, then well, she might as well go hang out with Druggies now.

This was rather long for one sentence, don't you think? I think that you should maybe turn this into more than one sentence, mainly because having it as one sentence, makes it a bit annoying to read. I thought that, anyway.

I smiled #FF0000 ">at her sweetly, thinking about how I was going to spread that without it being traced back to me.

Saying, 'I smiled at her', sounds a lot better than, 'I smiled to her'. :wink:

"Whatever, Brooke." I said resignedly. The bell began to ring and the entire homeroom began to get up to go to first period.

I'm still feeling what I felt about the prologue of this. I'm finding that you aren't describing your characters emotions as well as you could. Like I said before, discussing someone's death is a pretty serious conversation. I'm getting the impression that your two characters are pretty bitchy, but even though that may be true, they would still feel emotional about the conversation. Even if they aren't sad about it, they'd maybe be worried? Worried that they would get the blame, or something like that.

I stood, fixed my skirt#FF0000 ">, and started to walk away when Brooke grabbed my arm.


I gave her a soft smile and walked out of the classroom, already thinking about what, who#FF0000 ">, and when to say the secret that would #FF0000 ">ruin Brooke's rep for all the time she stays at Alton Prep Academy.

I think that the part I highlighted in red was phrased awkwardly. The flow of the rest of the chapter was nice, but you fell at the last hurdle, I guess I could say. I felt that this last line disrupted the nice flow you had going. Maybe you could change it to something like, '...the secret that would ruin Brooke's rep for the rest of her time at Alton Prep Academy.' That still sounds kind of dodgy... but you get the idea? :)


Overall

This s probably going to be really short... :lol: Most things that I would say about this chapter, I've already said in my review of the prologue. Your grammar is still very good, although I did find some more grammar errors in this chapter compared to the prologue. Your spelling, on the other hand, was just as good! I'm not sure if it's just me, but I can see this as a bit of 'Gossip Girl' kind of story. That's a compliment though, by the way. If you are going to turn this into something similar to 'Gossip Girl', you should make sure that you keep it original. There are quite a lot of stories around that are similar to 'Gossip Girl'. If you're not planning on making this similar to that though, I've been blabbering on about something rather pointless. So woop! Another thing that I am liking about this are your descriptions so far. Your descriptions of what your characters can see are good. What I do find though is that you are only using the sense of sight. You need to tell us what everything smells like, how her smoothie was cold in her hand, how she could hear the hushed sound of others speaking. We have five senses, remember? :wink:

My only real critique for this is probably about your characters. I'm aware that I said that your characters were fine in the prologue, which I still think is true. Brooke came across as someone who secretly worried about what happened to Lucy, while Marianne seemed freaked out by it and openly worried. Now that you've changed it into her point of view though, it seems as though she couldn't care less. It's almost as if her character has changed in this chapter. She still comes across as a bit of a bitch, but in the prologue, she came across as someone who at least somewhat cared about what was going on. It doesn't really seem like this in this chapter though. The reason that this isn't necessarily a good thing is because it can confuse the reader. Readers like getting to know the characters in a story, and if they aren't sure about their personalities, then that is a hard thing to do. If a reader doesn't feel connected to the characters in your stories, they cannot emphasize with them. Therefore, they won't enjoy the story as much. Characters are very important in a story, which I'm sure you are aware of! If the readers don't feel any connection to them, and if they don't feel like they know them, they can't enjoy reading about them as much. :)

That's all I have to say, really. I still feel as though you could make your characters emotions clearer, especially at times. I explained to you about that in my review on your prologue. I do think that you improved on that though, actually, but by doing that, it got me a bit confused about Marianne's character. You showed her emotions better, but because her emotions came across as rather cold, it got me a bit confused about her character. Negatives aside, your grammar is still good and your spelling is flawless. I can also tell that you have a talent for writing!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian




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Fri Jun 18, 2010 4:28 pm
Jas says...



Lol, thanks! You definitely got Marianne down pat :)




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Fri Jun 18, 2010 8:23 am
MiaParamore wrote a review...



HEy JAsmine, I am here again. Let's see what I found out.

She took another sip of her 352 calorie PinkBerry smoothie and tried to seem uninterested. I hid the smile on my face as she asked her next question.
This Marianne is the true gossip bitch..

"No, I really don't. It's so sad. I know you and #0000FF ">she had history and stuff," I said, the last part lowered to a whisper in case someone important heard and thought Brooke was weird or something


I mean, yeah, she was the most popular girl in school, a title she deserved, but if anyone heard that she was friends with some freak who killed herself, then well, she might as well go hang out with Druggies now.
SO I am really confused now. Is Marianne concerned about Brooke? Then why she says Ms. Queen Bee won't get the information out of a starter. So is it that she loves getting Brooke's attention and wants her to crave by not giving information? Is she the Notice-me-kind?

The bell began to ring and the entire homeroom began to get up to go to #FF0000 ">the first period.


I really think that it was very confusing to know what kind of a person Marriane really is. But I also think that by the end the picture was more clear and I understood that she wanted to get her attention, leak the secret and enjoy watching Brooke loose all her reputation. it did seem that she wasn't bothered much about Luy but Brooke had done soemthing bad to Marriane also and she couldn't wait to get the revenge. I think it will be a lot more clear in the forthcoming chapters.

Also, I liked the way you describe their drinks- how they look, what they drink and hmmm...they sound so tempting. Wish I could have one but I think my throat is still sour. :(

The switching the speaker is a very cool thing and I am doing the same for my novel- A Criminal's Heart. This way we can get everything out of the character's in their opinions, which is defintely fun to write and read. Its onl possible if we write it in third person.

I really love when 'villains' are being discussed. It is more fin to write and read. The world is bored of all the nice protaginists who can even give their heart to someone if asked. So boring.

Anyways, write more of it, edit these parts, and when doen PM me. I would love to read more. :pirate3:

Good luck writing!
~Shubhi




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Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:24 am
Zibbie wrote a review...



hey! its been i while since i reviewed anything so I'm sorry if its rusty. Nitpicks!

jasminebells wrote:Doesn't mean Ms. Queen Bee has to know she can find out from some freshman or something


this is confusing, and i think there may be more than one typo here.
jasminebells wrote:Well, according to the note anyway

oohh dramatic! I'm excited to see what will happen next!

jasminebells wrote:already thinking about what, who and when to say the secret that would ruin Brooke's rep for all the time she stays at Alton Prep Academy.


This is awkward, you might want to try something like - She was already thinking about the circumstances in which she would reveal the secret the would ruin Brooke's rep for the entirety of her time at Alton Prep Academy

Overall i thought it was intriguing, and you should definitely write more!





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