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the car who failed

by jorgeandrade


a car was riding with intense speed then it crashed. the car felt sad he thought he was a terrible driver and he was but he didnt see it he had planes to kick every bodys butt in driving but that would be difficult because he kept crashing. when he crashed he cryed and when he cryed he punched him self then the air bag in the car then one day the air bag got fed up and ran away and called him a mean car. and he laughed then he realised then he hit him self again then he saw an angel car and floated in the air and tried to give the angle a hug but felll.


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Wed Jan 26, 2022 8:32 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

a car was riding with intense speed then it crashed. the car felt sad he thought he was a terrible driver and he was but he didnt see it he had planes to kick every bodys butt in driving but that would be difficult because he kept crashing. when he crashed he cryed and when he cryed he punched him self then the air bag in the car then one day the air bag got fed up and ran away and called him a mean car. and he laughed then he realised then he hit him self again then he saw an angel car and floated in the air and tried to give the angle a hug but felll.


Well...this is an interesting piece to say the least. Its certainly not something you run into everyday. Like the other piece that was quite similar which I reviewed not too long ago, this one also has a very interesting and different sort of style here like you're trying to tell an entire story in this one paragraph rather than do anything else. This one I think manages to be even more standalone than the previous one. That one could kind of be taken as something of a premise of sorts, but this one even less so I think.

At any rate, while somehow tying sort of to the air bag we now have what appears to be a proper car as the main character which is interesting, and this time it is quite clear that the car is in fact the normal everyday car. It is once again a pretty interesting premise and it does seem to dip into that very sort of extreme humor sort of category where everything just goes very wrong for the one person and it is fun to think of, but things really need a bit of a second look here before it can be properly presentable as a story here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri May 07, 2010 12:18 am
Jas wrote a review...



A car was riding with intense speed then it crashed. The car felt sad, he thought he was a terrible driver and he was but he didn't see the thing he crashed into. He had planes to kick everybody's butt in driving but that would be difficult because he kept crashing. When he crashed, he cried and when he cried he punched himself in the air bag in the car. One day, the air bag got fed up and ran away and called him a mean car. He laughed then he realised he hit himself again then he saw an angel car. He floated in the air and tried to give the angel a hug but fell.


First of all, welcome to YWS! This would be your story with proper grammar and such. :) It's a quirky little story but as Elinor said, if you wan't us to take you seriously, please correct your grammar and spelling before you post. I like the personification of the car but maybe you can explain the end a little more, does the car die? What happens to the airbag? Who is the angel car? If you explain this up a bit, you'll have a great childrens story :)

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Music




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Thu May 06, 2010 10:10 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi jorge!

I see you've just joined YWS, so welcome! How are you enjoying it so far? One thing I see is that this is just a little flash-fiction, so it should probably in short stories, not novels! You can just contact someone with a light or dark green so that they can move it for you!

This story...first, if you want us to take you and your writing seriously, you should use proper grammar and conventions-and proofread your story before you post it. Reading aloud helps a lot! First, it should be a given to capitalize your words at the beginning of each sentence! If you're unsure about any other rules, like specific punctuation details, the Grammar & Research section of the knowledge base is a great resource.

Secondly, you had a ton of misspelled words. You should really watch out for those, and now there's little excuse to misspell words due to spell checkers. YWS even has one! just click on the link in the right corner above the text box when you post a new message.

For now, so you can edit this easily, here are the words you misspelled and the correct ways.

every bodys -> everybody's

didnt -> didn't

(because this one is a shorter way to say "did not", you have to put an apostrophe for the letters that you're leaving out.

cryed -> cried

felll -> fell

angle -> angel

When you polish the story so it has perfect grammar and spelling there still isn't much too it. You have may have been aiming to create a cute children's story, but I didn't really see that. Okay, so I'm not sure if we've got a world of anthropomorphic vehicles-sort of like the move Cars, or if this is just about a driver. I'm thinking it's the latter, but if so, you need to make references to that. A car and his driver are two different entities ;). So, whatever way this goes, the car got in an accident! I'm not quite sure what you mean by an angel car. Pretty? White?

I'm not really sure what to tell you. If you want to fix it, go ahead. However, there's not really much you can do to it right now. It reads like a summary, and there isn't anything really interesting to keep us interested. Car accidents and death happen a lot, and you haven't given us a reason for us to care about your characters. For emotional stories to work, we have to care. And we care by knowing more about them and sympathizing with them.

Well, I hope this helps, and again, welcome to YWS! PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo





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