Young Writers Society

I agree that the rhyming was kind of inconsistentand choppy. Cool descriptions otherwise though. I do think the piece needs a stronger purpose, though. I mean, if you're just kind of describing her...I think there should be more to it than that. Could be just me, though. But again, I really liked the descriptive language you chose.

Snoink wrote:I don't know...
The rhyming seems sloppily done. At first, you try, but then the rhyming gets increasingly more chaotic as the poem goes on. Plus, the metering seems way off. Usually, you don't try to pair a short verse with a very long verse. It looks weird, and, usually when you recite it to yourself, it sounds weird as well.

The increased rate of the rhyming was intentional to represent the actual scene, whether or not it worked is up to you guys though

I don't know...

The rhyming seems sloppily done. At first, you try, but then the rhyming gets increasingly more chaotic as the poem goes on. Plus, the metering seems way off. Usually, you don't try to pair a short verse with a very long verse. It looks weird, and, usually when you recite it to yourself, it sounds weird as well.

Very short, but well done. Your discriptions are good and fit the poem nicely. Very nice rhyming scheme, it explains the poem as a whole and sets a very nice tone/mood. I know you haven't gotten many replies so I decided to be the first. My favorite part would have to be:


"Through which my pain and longing dances
Through fields of pain to dead romances"

I know it's hard to beleive that I had at a favorite part seeing as it was very short, but these two lines stood out the most to me. The whole poem is good, but I liked these the best. Hope to read more of your poems. If you're new, then I welcome you. You'll be a great contributor to this site seeing as I really loved this poem. If not, I'm shocked because this was really good.