Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
The Street lights flickered on and off. My hands started to shake and the slight moisture in my Sore eyes, decided to trickle down my blackish blue face. I desperately had to touch the ground and make sure that this image was definatly a dream. I couldn’t let myself believe that this moment was true because that would mean I would remember it in the future. In this life, Memory stays and plagues the mind, Wrapping round the smallest emotion and making it more prominent by just seeing one little thing.
Well this is a really powerful place to start here. Immediately we see that the protagonist is really facing some powerful emotions right there that's definitely making us sit up and take notice here. The backstory that this appears to hint at here is also really quite nicely done because we get a bit of extra mystery to get excited about here and that's lovely.
The venomous concrete, scaly and damp, was definatly real and this meant one thing. The face in front of me was hers and only hers. Her once beautiful Aquatic eyes, now pure black and surrounded by shredded skin. Her Slender and perfect body, now a tattered and mutilated memory. Her pouted lips, once peachy pink and glossy, now drained and lifeless. Her death was no accident. A monster, a psychopath, a traitor. That was always a problem with shifting. You never knew when it would happen and you could end up doing something that would never occur to you. Like ripping your girlfriend apart, limb by limb. All could do was hate myself and bring her back. Sadly I couldn’t bring myself to deal with her. Bringing her back would only torture her further and I personally couldn’t handle more than one betrayal.
Ooooh this is really quite the light to paint a character in. You really end up creating a powerful little bit of context with that one, telling us so much about this person and their history through these rather small number of words in the description. I think that's really nicely done and it tells us so much and makes this opening page that much more interesting.
I strode towards her.
It was then I awoke.
“crap.” I mumbled to myself. Why did I let myself revive her.
I noticed a thin, tall girl walking towards me and scrutinizing my expression.
shall I walk past him ? Oh god, he is too gorgeous. Maybe if I flick my hair, He might just look at me and then I could start a conversation.
I felt sorry for her
Well that was quite the move to end on there. Given the kind of vibes built up in the earlier scene, this transition to more serious things feels a little bit odd but at same time it does work. In this different light it lends itself to an entirely different affect but an effective one nonetheless. There is definitely a bit of clean up to do there to make it all clear but for the most part, this is a pretty solid first page to a story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
The ending was slightly confusing though. He was saying he didn't want to bring her back but then he wakes up and he says he brought her back or something like that and then there's that girl that's trying to impress him. Is that the girl that died and came back or a different girl?
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