Young Writers Society

I thought the poem was great except the ending needs some work

I thought the poem was very creative, but like what "forest_ofthe_nightingale " said, the ending was off.

Hmmm....actually I did quite like it. The idea's good. But....there was something lacking....I'm not sure exactly what, it was like some of the lines just didn't run together....which which jepordises the imagery somewhat - if it's not running smoothly then the emotions you are trying to convey end up a bit useless. I do that quite a lot myself sometimes, but didn't realise I did until people on here started telling me (no one else has a ever read my poetry lol); it's not difficult a problem to fix, you just have to think about it.
I think it needs to have a little bit more time spent on it - with a little bit of editing I think it would be really good. and I like it in parts anyway, so you're close! :thumb:

The ending was just kind of like "what? Hold on, I have to reread that". You need to be clearer in your point for writing and make sure readers aren't confused. Good description, I know how this person feels. Good idea, try and tell us it better.

I like it, but it was too dull and bland. It didn't have any rhythm with it, they were just words on a piece of paper. Editing will do some good to it.

-*Twinkles

your poem has chosen a good theme but it is too flat for a literary piece.

"Let everyone sing and everyone dance,
while she lies in this empty, forgotten room

She is noticed now,
she isn't ignored
......."

the desolate state and death of the girl following it is a great theme but you should have elaborated on it with more romanticism akin to a poet, then this piece would be more catchy and would draw sympathy from every reader's heart because in each one of us we have a desolate side which dies after sometime following neglect on the part of ourselves as well as the society at large. your poem could me metaphorical if handled well.
so try it out. keep it up!

-torsa