Published October 19, 2005
Let everyone sing and everyone dance,
while she lies in this empty, forgotten room
Empty and forgotten like her.
Beautiful eyes, covered by a sheet of sadness
emotionless breaths being taken.
Cold blood streaming down her arm like a river
She is lost, and ignored
completely unnoticed.
But as the music stops, the hollow door is opened.
Silence has surrounded the room.
She is no more, she lies dead,
But everyone knew she died long before.
She and everyone in the room lies in complete silence.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,422 Reviews
I thought the poem was great except the ending needs some work
I thought the poem was very creative, but like what "forest_ofthe_nightingale " said, the ending was off.
Hmmm....actually I did quite like it. The idea's good. But....there was something lacking....I'm not sure exactly what, it was like some of the lines just didn't run together....which which jepordises the imagery somewhat - if it's not running smoothly then the emotions you are trying to convey end up a bit useless. I do that quite a lot myself sometimes, but didn't realise I did until people on here started telling me (no one else has a ever read my poetry lol); it's not difficult a problem to fix, you just have to think about it.
and I like it in parts anyway, so you're close! :thumb:
I think it needs to have a little bit more time spent on it - with a little bit of editing I think it would be really good.
The ending was just kind of like "what? Hold on, I have to reread that". You need to be clearer in your point for writing and make sure readers aren't confused. Good description, I know how this person feels. Good idea, try and tell us it better.
I like it, but it was too dull and bland. It didn't have any rhythm with it, they were just words on a piece of paper. Editing will do some good to it.
-*Twinkles
your poem has chosen a good theme but it is too flat for a literary piece.
"Let everyone sing and everyone dance,
while she lies in this empty, forgotten room
She is noticed now,
she isn't ignored
......."
the desolate state and death of the girl following it is a great theme but you should have elaborated on it with more romanticism akin to a poet, then this piece would be more catchy and would draw sympathy from every reader's heart because in each one of us we have a desolate side which dies after sometime following neglect on the part of ourselves as well as the society at large. your poem could me metaphorical if handled well.
so try it out. keep it up!
-torsa