Published November 25, 2007
[pre] Nocte
A secret friendship that holds the truth. Every look is every chance to grab the words. The smile is the feel of one’s touch. And the breathe of sadness he want to take away. Tonight the sun is gone and the moon will rule. A moment they grabbed; uncertain of what will they do. The lips of the liar one and the devil met. And from that did speak nothing. And morning followed. They have done it again. But now it’s certainly different. The cold wind and the vague sky tell that a rain is coming and it does. While she loosens her self and she started to cry. She knows the man back home wait for her come back and slowly dying within. The devil and his love for her. Their lie. His love. But the hardest thing is in her shoulders. Who will she chose? What will she chose? A friendship that wants to survive. A promise that was wrecked. A love between them.
“The light from the moon is like their love, never it ill be to anyone for It’s just been borrowed to someone else heart.”[/pre]
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137,433 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a rather confusing story. I agree with Snoink; it feels more like a prologue that was crafted for the specific purpose of pulling the readers in. However, on a closer reader, it does not really have enough content to establish itself as a story. It reads more like poetry, with certain lines unexpectedly rhyming with the previous ones. The meaning of the sentences also seemed to be embedded in poetic flowery language that we have to sift through in order to decipher what it is really trying to say. The way they are framed with some sentences purposefully cut short to create an effect makes me feel as though this piece would have better suited as a poem.
The meaning was not very clear to me, but from my understanding, the MC seems to be torn between two choices - one that is good and safe and welcoming and the other that may not be as good for her. She is drawn towards both for different reasons, but she seems to know what she will end up choosing, almost as if its meant to be, like a fate that cannot be avoided.
However, we do not really get to connect with the character because of the sparse time that we actually get to spend with her. As a result, her dilemma does not strike a chord within us as well and the story fails to leave that impression. Maybe if you had expanded on the themes and helped us understand the character, we would have cared a little more about the agonizing confusion she seems to be going through.
Here are some other points:
The way these two sentences are framed, its like poetry. Also, the "a moment they grabbed," sounds like an incomplete sentence when put in the context of a prose. So maybe you should clarify which structure you visualize for this piece.
The first half of the sentence "While she loosens her self," is set in present, while the second half, "she started to cry," is set in the past. You switch tense in the middle of the sentence and it completely throws the reader off for a second as they try to understand what happened.
I think 'on her shoulders,' is the more used expression and it fits better in the context of the sentence.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
..uhm the last line tells what happen in the end..
"The light from the moon is like their love, never it ill be to anyone for just
been borrowed to someone else heart."
and the whole story is short..
but maybe your right..
thanks for the comment..i'll try what you have said maybe other times..
..i appreciate it ..
This isn't really a story. This is more like an abstract introduction to something that might possibly be a story, if you squint a little.
Flesh it out a little more?