Published November 30, 2004
Something stirring deep within
Calling forth desire
And I wander away
Following some unknown call
To an unknown land
To an unknown man
And an unknown heart
Somewhere off in the distance
I wandered away so desperate to find
Distant places and newer peoples
Farther from the edge of the cliff
I wasted all my time treading the edge
Looking for a way across the chasm
Turning my eyes
Now checking the horizion for a way up
And beyond
Beyond
Bidding goodbye to the lonely grey stone
I seek the sun
I will fly
I will live forever
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I enjoyed reading this poem! I liked how smoothly the words flowed from beginning to end and how perfectly it captured the poem, with each line representing a cascade of thoughts that ties to the ending. I am not really experienced at reviewing poetry, so I will only leave my general thoughts here, and hopefully some of them will come to your use!
I genuinely enjoyed reading the poem. However, this starting line seemed a little out of place to me. The poem starting with "something stirring deep within" makes it feel a little weird for me, as if you missed a couple of lines and started with this one instead. I think if you restructure the sentence a little, it will fit better in the context of the poem. Otherwise, it does tend to stick out for me.
This repetition seemed a little unnecessary to me. It does not add anything to the poem nor does it create some kind of a great poetic effect. Instead, for me it just created this gap in the poem that prevented me from moving on to the next line. So, unless it serves some other purpose that I am oblivious to, the repetition disrupts the flow of the poem and creates a kind of a roadblock for the readers.
Another thing you should probably work on is the punctuation. You have got such a lovely poem here, but it feels a little incomplete because of the absolute lack of appropriate punctuation. I believe punctuations are the accessories of poems and they serve to complement those little things that make a poem truly special and personal. This is a really informative article on how, when and where to use the correct punctuations. Its a really useful article and I think you will benefit from it!
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
wow that was a really insightful poem, though i am not poet i did catch a few mistakes:
1. the sentence 'I wandered away so desperate to find' is a little awkward and i dont think it fits in too well with the poem,
2. you have spelt horizon and 'horizion'
aside from these minor details your piece is difficult to fault. the ending fits seamlessly into the poem to make a classic and flowing piece.
I liked it a lot. Though the line "I wasted all my time treading the edge" somehow doesn't fit with the rest of the piece.
I liked that! It never... stopped? Don't know how to say it... it flowed nicely the whole thing... I'm not good at poetry. I liked the ending too!
Thanks for the advice. Appropriate edits have been made ^_^.
all was good except for two things:
1. you spelled "desperate" like "deperate"
2. "Or woman" doesn't really have to be there...it takes away from the poem.
Good job anyway.