The moment I see an opportunity, I slip silently out of camp. I’ve memorized the path Dylan took, and roughly where the traps were placed. I’ll just have to look for places that look uneven. The more I explore Cobra, the closer I get to retrieving the pendant. At least, that’s what I let myself believe.
“You are such a horrible stalker, do you know that?”
I jump, but before I can even turn, Dylan grabs my arm and jerks me towards him. “I’m not letting you stumble into another trap, Blackbird,” he snaps, his eyes narrowed. I blink, my wide gaze staring into his. “I—”
“What are you really doing here, huh?” Dylan asks, his posture tense.
“I wanted—”
He cuts me off again. “You used that reason last time,” he mutters dryly. “And now you’re trying to find me again?”
I open my mouth. And close it. I can lie. I should lie. But my mind is blank. I take a few steps back. The ground suddenly looks more interesting. “I was curious,” I mumble. Dylan scoffs, his mouth curving into a mocking smile. “Curious enough to spend so much time and effort in sneaking out and risking your life?”
I don’t answer, my eyes burning a hole into the ground.
“Raven.” Dylan shifts closer to me, his expression sharp. I wince at the warning tone in his voice. “What are you really looking for?”
My eyes flicker briefly to the pendant hanging lightly over his chest. Just for a second. But Dylan notices. His hand reaches up to touch the smooth stone, his eyes fixed on me. “You want this,” he states, his voice hoarse. My heart races.
“No.”
Dylan’s gaze drops, and he takes a small step forward. “You looked at it.”
“I was just—”
All of a sudden, he’s awfully close to me. Dylan bends down slightly to my eye level. I watch the pendant, which is now dangling in between us. “Little Blackbird,” he murmurs softly. “Do you think I’m stupid?”
My lips twitch. It’s right in front of me. And I realize how painfully easy it would be. To just take it. But something’s holding me back. I can grab it in one quick motion. Yank it off. Just a pull—
But at the same time, I can’t.
Dylan studies me for a moment longer. Sighs. Steps back. His eyes soften, and he swallows. “Whatever you’re getting yourself into, little Blackbird…” his voice drops into a hushed tone. “stop.”
My chest tightens. If only I could. It was right in front of me. I could’ve taken it. In that moment. So why didn’t I?
It’s late afternoon. It has been hours. My mind’s still lingering on regret. I could’ve ended the mission much faster. If only…
I stare ahead, my fingers curling into my palms. They’re slick with cold sweat. There will be another chance. There has to be. And when it happens, I’ll make sure I do the right thing. Yet, my focus seems to go somewhere else. The murmuring in the camp makes my ears ring. I should’ve taken it. I should’ve taken it. I should’ve—
“Raven!”
My eyes snap up to meet Saber’s. He’s staring at me, his gaze dark with confusion. “Are you alright?”
“Yes,” I mutter quickly.
He looks skeptical. “I called you four times, Raven.”
“Sorry,” I murmur.
“Is something the matter?” He presses, staring intently. I shake my head, looking down. “What do you need?”
Saber looks at me for a moment longer, but decides not to ask further. I let out a quiet breath of relief. “Axel told me to find someone to train with.” He hesitates. “Do you want to?”
I think for a moment. “Sure.”
Why not? It’ll distract me from the situation. I don’t know why I didn’t take it. My heart was thundering, but that wasn’t what stopped me. I grab a weapon from the shelf, and follow Saber to the training area. My chest tightens. I swallow as I adjust my stance. Saber turns to face me, the sand flying into the air. “Ready?”
I nod.
He dips his head. And swings. I barely manage to dodge. My sword clangs against his. Saber sends a blow to my shoulder, and I stumble back at the strong force, my feet digging into the soft sand. “Focus,” he murmurs.
“I am,” I say breathlessly. He raises an eyebrow.
“Are you?”
“Yes,” I pant, my fingers curling around the sword tighter. I swing at him, but he blocks. Again and again. The sword suddenly strikes my arm with a jolt. My grip loosens as my weapon skids to the ground. Saber looks unconvinced. “I don’t think so.”
I feel a pair of eyes on me. Unconsciously, I whip around, expecting to see Dylan. Instead, Axel’s standing there. He’s watching us closely. “Raven.”
“Yes?” I ask, my chest heaving from the fight.
“Come here.”
I straighten, walking stiffly over to him. For some reason, there’s a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“You seem distracted,” Axel observes quietly.
“I’m not—”
“Don’t lie to me,” Axel says, his eyes amber slits. My gaze lowers. He continues. “It’s Ashye, huh?”
“Who?” I ask, confused.
Axel sighs. “The assassin. Last names.”
“What about him?” I ask carefully.
“He’s distracting you from your mission, isn’t he?”
“No,” I say, a little too quickly. Axel’s eyes narrow.
“Remember your task, Raven.”
I dip my head. “Yes, Axel.”
“I’ll let you two be,” he murmurs, turning to leave. “Train well.”
Saber walks over to me, handing me my sword. “Ready?”
“Mhm,” I mumble. But I don’t think I’m ready. For anything.
Not at all.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,939 Literary Works • 673,761 Reviews
Hia Catz!
It should look like this, otherwise you could assume that Dylan says “I—”Let me be the first to read the new chapter <3
Dom didn't let me :(Aww our MC still thinks she’s doing all this for the pendant! I do like that she’s slowly learning the ins and outs of Cobra territory. Might lead to her rescuing Dylan for once and not the other way around!
Nvm, there he is, easily catching her haha
Remember paragraphing:
Oha is Dylan predicting what she’s gonna say to him, is this why he cuts her off? It feels… out of the blue. To say “you used that reason last time” when she hasn’t said anything but “I wanted”, you know? Maybe if he said something like “and don’t evade the question, like last time” or “Don’t bullshit me, like last time” (oh yeah, Tikaa, a great writer. I …cannot think of a better phrase…. Pls fix for me ^^°)
I like how this is clearly her trying to reassure herself that she can lie, that she has this skill… but it isn’t coming to her. Aww poor, emotionally-affected Raven ☹
I feel like if you make the sentence abt her stepping back a bit longer, maybe with a comma and an additional phrase, the next sentence abt staring at the ground would land even BETTER than it already did (banger sentence btw, love it)
Awwwwwww and now Dylan knows she’s not here for him. I guess he must have had this flicker of hope that maybe there is something between them (even if he obv doesn’t want it or pretends it isn’t there heheh) but now she made it obvious that she’s just after this trinket ☹ Awwww .-.
Uhmm girl, Raven, queen. I don’t know about how YOU’VE observed your last interactions with this boy but you do NOT play in the same league as him. You could take it and then what? Fight him off when he chases after you? How? You’ve never won against him XD
Uhm srsly. Does she really think she can take the pendant and make it out of there without Dylan stopping her? What is her thought process??? Is she not aware of the massive skill gap you have portrayed between them so far??? I thought she would be observant enough for that?
I’m also not sure what made him say that. Like, it doesn’t really feel like it follows from what he knows of her? Maybe you could explain that a bit better?
No matter how nonsensical I find this line of reasoning, this really makes me feel for her: Aww q__q
Uhm maybe you should have made it more obvious, somehow, that our girl returned back home? Otherwise why is Saber in Cobra territory???
Yes this is a very good phrase, glad we agree. But it is also one you should use sparingly. Twice in such a short chapter is overdoing it ;3
It would also help if you were setting the scene a little more. Describe the surroundings, how it feels for her to be back at camp. The familiarity etc
…uh wait how does Axel know Ashye as the last name of Dylan? I am confused (I might have also just missed this, and if so, forgive me for being dumb XD)
I was rly confused abt the sudden location change otherwise, neat chapter :3
I read this through, for no real reason lol. This is not the kinda stuff I read at all! That being said, it's such a good example of YA that I have no critiques at all. Is it simple, is it uncomplicated? Yes. But that's kinda the point, no?
Are the characters essentially just caricatures? Yup! But again... it works! It's the finest YA draft I've read in a long time, and that's saying something on a platform such as YWS. Of course, the reasons I personally don't like it have NOTHING to do with the work itself; it does the job it says it will, and it does it well.
Keep writing! I think this could go very well indeed
AAAA THANKKSAAA FOR READINGGG!! appreciate your support!