Young Writers Society

Hello, my fellow writing friend!

Let's get started!



A Little Skimming - First Impressions
This is a fairly short story, an easy read, but nevertheless a piece of art! There are two characters, Penelope and John. It infers that Penelope is a witch with supernatural powers... ooooooooooh... interesting. Penelope fails to heal John's cut, and gets doubtful of their relationship. Then comes the really touching part.

“You’re worth the pain.” He said.

Awwwwww! When I read that part my heart grew so warm it could've been a miniature sun. That is such a good ending.


Love it! - Parts That I Like
SO MUCH! There are so many things to cherish about this work.
First, I love how you put the internal battles inside Penelope's head.

Slowly, the skin came together…wait, was it coming together? How was she to know? What if she was poisoning his skin? What if she was hurting him even more?

It lets the reader take a sneak-peek inside of the character's head, giving them a good perspective on the setting. The doubt, and insecurity. Maybe it was her distrust that caused the fail. How intriguing! A little lesson right there, if you think you're going to fail, you will.

Love? What was love if she couldn’t help him? Love was about caring for one another. Partners had to do their part, it was why they were partners in the first place.

Ah! I love the self-reasoning going on here! The really legitimate questions that have the character's emotions cleverly weaved into there. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!

John was making dinner, Nova was at school. Penelope was in the living room, reading a book.

Oh, this is really clever. You inferred that Penelope and John has a child, Nova, without saying it straight forward. That is a great skill to have and add to your writing, to suggest instead of tell. It makes it a lot more interesting, giving it a sort of mystery kind of feel.

“We witches can’t heal, John. We used to, back in the day. But then we had to hide. Our powers work for small, selfish things, like making carnival games work, but that’s it. We can’t help others. We’re simply…not good at it.” Penelope said.

It hurt her to say it, but it was true.

I love how honest you designed Penelope to be. She didn't lie about her powers to John, even though they were embarrassing and selfish. Transparency in individuals is a great addition.

There are so much more things to list, but I don't want to bore you with a long review. Let's move on.



Just A Tad Off... - Errors and Corrections
To start, I did think it was a bit too short. Maybe if you could elongate it somehow, that would be good. Add more descriptions, more scenes, etc. etc. etc.

“Penelope! Come here.” John called out.

This was at the beginning of the story, then...

“Penelope, come here.” John said.

This was at the end. I'm a stickler for not being repetitive. It just peeves me a bit. Maybe you can rephrase it, so it's not the exact same thing.

“When I first saw you use your powers, I thought that it was wonderful a human could make a claw machine work! A claw machine, no less. If you can do that, why can’t you heal me?”

“Believe in yourself, Penelope. I know that you can do this.”

This part confused me a little, as to who is talking. I had to read it several times, to understand. So, I think this is John speaking? In both lines? Correct me if I'm wrong. To make it more clear, you can combine it into just one line, like this:

“When I first saw you use your powers, I thought that it was wonderful a human could make a claw machine work! A claw machine, no less. If you can do that, why can’t you heal me? Believe in yourself, Penelope. I know that you can do this.”

Or like this:

“When I first saw you use your powers, I thought that it was wonderful a human could make a claw machine work! A claw machine, no less. If you can do that, why can’t you heal me?” He paused, then said, “Believe in yourself, Penelope. I know that you can do this.”

Salutations! - Final Thoughts and Goodbyes
Well, this was a truly enjoyable read! Keep writing!

Inferno

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a lovely little tale here, a very simple idea at the center of it and I think you do a wonderful job expressing it and bringing it to life here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Penelope heard John wince in the kitchen, which meant that he cut himself. That was alright. He would just go to the bathroom and get a first aid kit. It happened before. It would all be fine.

John was making dinner, Nova was at school. Penelope was in the living room, reading a book. The kitchen was right across the living room. Their house was an open floor plan, all connected.

“Penelope! Come here.” John called out.

Penelope carefully closed her book and got up from the couch.

Hopefully it wasn’t what she thought it was.

Oooh well this is quite the start here. Just setting up the little scene and establishing this cut and what exactly is going on with this. Its a lovely way to start this tale off here.

“Why don’t you heal me?” John asked softly. He was so sweet, so kind.

So naive.

“We witches can’t heal, John. We used to, back in the day. But then we had to hide. Our powers work for small, selfish things, like making carnival games work, but that’s it. We can’t help others. We’re simply…not good at it.” Penelope said.

It hurt her to say it, but it was true.

“When I first saw you use your powers, I thought that it was wonderful a human could make a claw machine work! A claw machine, no less. If you can do that, why can’t you heal me?”

“Believe in yourself, Penelope. I know that you can do this.”

Oooh I wasn't entirely certain where this would take us but a bit of a wholesome little event like this was definitely not where I though this was taking us. Well, well, well, this witch just gets more and more intriguing the more I learn about it through these tales.

Penelope sighed and raised her hands above the cut.

She concentrated on skin coming together, as it should be, blood disappearing back into his veins, life restored once more.

Slowly, the skin came together…wait, was it coming together? How was she to know? What if she was poisoning his skin? What if she was hurting him even more?

All of the blood gushed back out, the cut bright and red.

Why did Penelope ever think that she could heal John?

“You see? I can’t help you. I’ve been hiding my powers for so long, I don’t know how to use them.” Penelope said.

Well that was a bit of an anticlimax unfortunately, it seems her suspicious were right for the most part although her not believing in herself at all there might be playing at least a little bit of a part at least you do have to wonder.

It was true. She hid her true powers, as did all witches. She used them sometimes for what was easier and only for what was easier.

She couldn’t care for others if she tried.

John walked away to the bathroom, to get the first aid kit. Penelope stayed behind, wishing to disappear within herself.

But there was a question she was burning to ask, a question she just had to know the answer to.

Penelope walked to the bathroom, where John was just bandaging the cut. The door was ajar, she could see him.

Hmm well it seems poor Penelope really suffers from having to hide all of that there and really wishes she could bring more healing and love to the world. Its quite intriguing to see that playing out in that manner.

“Why do you stay? I’ll only hurt you.” Penelope asked.

She knew John well. He would keep asking her to heal him, as if she could just do it one day. As if she wouldn’t open fresh wounds.

“Because I love you. I care about you.” John said.

“But I’m only giving you pain.” Penelope argued back.

Love? What was love if she couldn’t help him? Love was about caring for one another. Partners had to do their part, it was why they were partners in the first place.

Well this is a beautiful moment to seee. It looks like Penelope cares too and John really cares and that love is what's held it all together even though Penelope is now having all of these negative thoughts about herself.

If Penelope couldn’t help him, then what was the point?

“Penelope, come here.” John said.

Penelope walked up to him. John wrapped her in his arms, filled with so much earnest love and warmth it made Penelope’s heart feel like it would burst with blood.

“You’re worth the pain.” He said.

Ahh that's perhaps the most beautiful moment I've actually seen in one of these, I know I probably say that every time a story has a happy ending but this one really is just such a beautiful sentiment to express there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a wonderful little piece touching on how those witchy powers work and the ways in which that tends to influence these daily lives. Looking forward to reading more!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate