z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Reign of the Crimson Plague ~ Chapter 3

by FlamingPhoenix


"Alister!” A voice called from behind me.

Turning around, not yet going into Zerkar's lab my eyes fell on a pale rat running up to me the afternoon sun catching his fur, the strands shining like fine silver.

“Finally found you!” He said, coming to a stop, chest rising and falling. “Oh! What's that?” He asked, pink eyes falling to the basket in my paws.

“Oh,” I paused looking down, “It's something Ryan sent me to deliver,” I said with a small shrug. “No idea what it is though.”

“I see.” Oliver nodded looking over to the vines that draped the doorway. “Seems, Ryan hates Zerkar as much as everyone else.” He wriggled his eyebrows with a small snicker. “Seems you got stuck with the dirty work. Makes sneaking off sound not so bad now does it.”

“You know how hard it is for him to get around.” I scolded, whiskers twitching. “And you know we aren't allowed.”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Oliver waved a paw at me. “Besides, I've been meaning to check whether the old rat was dead. Gives me a good excuse to join you.” He winked.

Ear's curling back I looked Oliver over. “I'm not sure if that's a good idea. You know how Zerkar is.”

“Yeah. So?” Pink eyes looking me over, Oliver shrugged. “Oh come on, you know you want the company, you're just too proud to ask for it.”

I swatted his paw away before he could touch my nose with his claw, earning me a small snicker from the albino. I hated to say it, but Oliver was right. I wasn't keen on the idea of seeing Zerkar on my own. He was an.....odd character.

Without another word, Oliver grabbed my arm dragging me into the lab after him. The sun's light fading away after us, its warmth leaving my back as I headed into the darkness my eyes slowly adjusting.

Breathing heavily, I looked around. Fine dust particles floated through the air as the faintest smell of mildew entered my nose. Grimacing, I watched as Oliver crept past me, a pale figure against the dark, his fur always giving him away.

“Ooooo! What do you think this is?” Oliver asked holding up a nut filled with a black like goo.

I shrugged. “How am I supposed to know?” Ears curling back, fur bristling, I waved a paw at him. “Just put it down, Oliver.”

“Yeah, yeah, don't get your tail in a twist....where's your sense of adventure...?” He mumbled before putting the item down walking back up to me. “So where do you think the old croak has gotten to?”

“No idea, let's just drop this stuff off and get out of here,” I mumbled, walking further into the room, my lungs longing for fresh air.

“I would agree if we could find the old weasel,” Oliver complained stomping ahead, tail thrashing behind him.

Sometimes I worried Oliver would either hurt himself with the way he used his tail or that he would break something else. Fortunately enough that had never happened, or is yet too. Sighing, I followed behind.

“Say, do you even know where to put that....stuff?” Oliver asked, waving a paw in question.

“No, not exactly. I think I need to give it to Zerkar in person, Or maybe further into the lab there's a room I can leave it in?” I tapped my chin, before looking around, a few rooms draped from view by vines. Having to change them out every few weeks must be awful, makes one wonder why you would have so many vines in a hollow.

Oliver snorted, “Well maybe the old weasel should put together a delivery system.” Poking his head into a room doing a quick scan, he grumbled. “So odd that his hardly ever in the village and then when you come to his regular spot his not even here.”

I watched as Oliver walked around, going into all the rooms. I wasn't completely sure if we were even allowed further than the main room, Ryan hadn't been too specific about what to do, though that was rather typical of him.

Ears curling, I frowned as Oliver looked into another room. It wasn't long though before he got tired of looking, the items on the large table in the center of the room calling his attention.

“Hey, Oliver. I don't think that's a good idea.” I whispered, glancing around before coming to Oliver's side, watching as he dipped a paw into the black goo after moving a few things around.

“Whatever do you mean?” Oliver cast me a glance, before going back to what he was doing.

I nodded towards the mess he was making. “Zerkar will know you've messed with his stuff.”

Oliver rolled his eyes. “No he won't. I don't think anyone can tell in this lighting. Besides the old rat is half blind as it is, I doubt he can find everything here as it is.

“Is that how you talk about your elders, pup....”

Jumping, Oliver and I whipped around. Basket falling to the floor, the clinking of items hitting the floor meeting my ears as my eyes landed on the shadow-cloaked figure. Eyes moving from steel-colored matted fur they soon landed on sharp brown eyes. Narrowing, they passed over to Oliver, ears flicking.

“You can’t sneak up on rats like that!” Oliver barked, breaking the cool silence like a blade cutting through grass.

“Oooh? Is that so?” The older rat questioned, slinking over, movements slow.

Shooting Oliver a look, I saw him pause. Willing him mentally to keep his trap shut, nothing good will come from arguing with Zerkar Griffen. Everyone knew that.

“Yes.” Oliver snapped, scowling back at him while taking a step back.

Zerkar, remained silent until he was almost touching Oliver’s nose, towering over him by a few tail lengths. Though to my surprise, Oliver didn’t move but kept eye contact with Zerkar, challenging him. Maybe he’s lacking brain cells after all.

“Let me ask you something.....pup.” Zerkar growled, eyes narrowing in on Oliver. “Who’s hollow are you in?”

Ear’s falling back, Oliver glanced my way before facing Zerkar again, who in turn was still standing over him, waiting. I wasn’t exactly sure what he expected me to do in this kind of situation. As much as I hated Zerkar, he had a point.

“Yours, but_”

“It’s your hollow, and we’re sorry to be tress passing.” I quickly interjected, shoving Oliver’s shoulder, hoping he would get the message. “But my Uncle, Ryan sent us to deliver these to you.”

Picking up one of the silver items, I held it up for Zerkar. Eyes narrowing, I watched as spindly fingers plucked the item from my paws. Examining it he looked over to me, giving me a once-over.

“Hmm...” Zerkar grumbled, looking at the rest on the floor. “I was expecting him at midday.”

Paws rubbing over one another, I watched as Zerkar moved his icy gaze again to Oliver. “Yes, well, he’s rather busy as of late,” I explained.

“I’m sure.” Zerkar hissed tail flicking.

I knew Zerkar wasn’t convinced with such an excuse, everyone knew Ryan spent most of his time tending to his leg, but we didn’t speak of it. Word traveled fast in a large community. Soon enough it would end up being heard by the wrong ears.

Eyes going to the floor again traveling over the mess that littered it, Zerkar sent Oliver and I a scowl, this action making the rings under his eyes more prominent. He didn’t need to say anything for me to get the message. Oliver on the other paw was a whole other story. Sitting there, arms folded tail flicking he glared back at Zerkar.

Ear’s curling back, Zerkar let out a long sigh. “Clean up the mess and get out.” Going back to all fours, he stalked out of the room tail scraping along the floor.

“Sheesh, talk about respect,” Oliver grumbled.

Cleaning up the floor, I shook my head. “You didn’t help you know.”

Snorting, Oliver tossed a few of the silver balls towards me. “Well, he deserved it. You are the Prince after all.”

“And his our elder, a high-ranking elder. Stop picking fights.” I argued back, looking around for anything I could have missed. “Especially once you’ll lose.”

Glaring my way, Oliver didn’t say a word. Perhaps he knew I was right? Or maybe he was now doing the silent treatment until I agreed with him. It was hard to tell. But two could play at this game.

...

The basket full, I placed it on the wooden table for Zerkar to find later. Didn’t think it was a great idea to give them to Zerkar in person. Might as well leave them someplace he’ll find them. It makes things better we’ll hear about his complaint at some point.

“There, that should be fine...I hope.” Biting my claw, I looked around for Oliver, soon spotting him by the main entrance arms crossed, tail flicking. Of course, he hasn’t gotten over the small spat. If you could even call it that.

Rolling my eyes I walked over to him. “Everything’s finished, let’s go.” Looking back once more, my eyes landed on the back rooms. Was he lurking there? Watching us? Or could he be experimenting on more prosthetics, as he liked to call them...A flash of his tail went through my mind before I shoved Oliver out of the hollow.

“Well, that was a disaster,” Oliver grumbled after some time.

Lifting an eyebrow in his direction, I only shook my head choosing to remain quiet. Instead, my eyes landed on the healer’s quadrant, remembering the herbs I should get for Ryan.

“Hello? Did you hear me?” Oliver asked, after some time, stopping next to me.

“Hey, I’ll meet up with you later, Oliver. I have something I need to do.” I said, turning to face him, his pale eyes examining me before he shrugged, seeming to accept it.

“Yeah, okay.” He huffed. “Mother expected me home anyway by sundown.”

Was it already that late? Looking towards the west, I could catch the faintest hints of light hitting the darkening sky. Purples and pinks dashed across the canvas gently, bleeding into the ebony blues.

“I should probably head back soon too,” I mumbled. How had time slipped away from me like that? We hadn’t been with Zerkar that long...had we? It had only been past midday when we arrived. It’s always hard to tell time when in his hollow, but never to this extent.

“See you tomorrow then,” Oliver said, looking to his distant hollow before back to me. “Unless....”

Whiskers twitching, I cast a weary glance at him. “Unless?”

Rubbing his paws together, ears curled back, he said. “Well, unless you want to sneak out tonight.”

Ears pressed to the back of my head, I looked around before back at Oliver. “If I joined you, where exactly would we go?”

Grinning from ear to ear Oliver cupped the side of his mouth with one paw before he spoke into my ear. “Beyond the walls.”

“Wait, wait, what?” I hissed jumping back from Oliver. “You can’t be serious.” It’s forbidden.”

“Oh come on, you can’t deny you haven’t thought of it either.” Oliver lifted an eyebrow in question. “Besides, you said earlier that you would.”

“I wasn’t being serious!” I hissed, scowling.

“You’re such a bore.” Oliver rolled his eyes, putting a paw to his mouth before exaggerating a yawn.

“I have things I need to do. You best be heading back to your hollow.” I grumbled before heading towards the healers, Oliver’s annoyed sigh was heard from behind me.

I was the next in line, I couldn’t venture off like Oliver and not be judged for such actions. If my father knew we were speaking of such things he would have my tail for it. Glancing back, I could see Oliver walking away along the vine bridges, whether he would still be sour about this at first light was something I would have to see. If I even saw him.


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Stickied -- Sat May 11, 2024 5:26 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello Again, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See...

It's great to see the next chapter in this neat story! I was curious what Zerkar would be like, and not only did we get a very nice introduction to his character, but we get to see Oliver and what he's like as well! And that final development in the chapter --wow! Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

No complaints for content! This was a nicely paced chapter to follow up the meeting with Ryan, and all the allusions to both Zerkar and Oliver's characters. Descriptions and character interactions were both great. There were just some very, very minor recommendations I could make in good faith, free to take or leave ~

“So odd that his hardly ever in the village and then when you come to his regular spot his not even here.”


“And his our elder, a high-ranking elder. Stop picking fights.” I argued back,


So, in either of these lines, I think there were some points where "he's" got swapped for "his," and it made them read a little bit awkwardly. Perhaps... "So odd that he's hardly ever in the village and then when you come to his regular spot, he's not even there." and then... "And he's our elder, a high-ranking elder. Stop picking fights."

“It’s your hollow, and we’re sorry to be tress passing.” I quickly interjected,


I think there's an unneeded space in "trespassing" here. And just one more...

“You can’t be serious.” It’s forbidden.”


I think you got an extra quotation mark between those sentences. I've made mistakes similar to this so many times, haha.

~ That is all I have to put here this time, great writing job! ~

Why The Grin Widened...

So I think I did this in past reviews already, but again, I have to remark on your descriptions! I love how you weave such vivid visual details into the story! Like here, for just one example...

my eyes fell on a pale rat running up to me the afternoon sun catching his fur, the strands shining like fine silver.


The comparison to fine silver is great, very pretty! Moving on to the substance of the chapter, I love the characterization we got through what should be a simple -albeit slightly frustrating- mission. Especially as it comes to Oliver, and his dynamic with Alister...

“Hey, Oliver. I don't think that's a good idea.” I whispered, glancing around before coming to Oliver's side, watching as he dipped a paw into the black goo after moving a few things around.


It sounds like Alister, despite being an adventurous sort as covered in prior chapters, still has a sense of responsibility and even respect for his elders. Whereas Oliver is a much more mischievous type who likes getting into things he shouldn't be, so it looks like Alister is used to having to be the one to "rein him in" when needed, haha. A very nice bit of insight for these friends!

Zerkar sent Oliver and I a scowl, this action making the rings under his eyes more prominent. He didn’t need to say anything for me to get the message.


I also liked the characterization of Zerkar. You definitely portrayed him as a character with a lot of experience (probably bad experience given his sour attitude), very keen (given how hard it is to win an argument with him), and just a reclusive/mysterious type in general. I also like how this description makes him intimidating without overtly stating how or why he comes off as scary, if that makes sense.

Grinning from ear to ear Oliver cupped the side of his mouth with one paw before he spoke into my ear. “Beyond the walls.”


Oooou, fascinating development! I see so many ways how this could go wrong not just for Oliver, but for Alister as well! Even though Alister seems to know what's best, there's that curiosity we've seen from him before, and this detail to make it even more foreboding...

I was the next in line, I couldn’t venture off like Oliver and not be judged for such actions. If my father knew we were speaking of such things he would have my tail for it.


Indeed, what would happen if Alister decided to explore beyond the walls? What if he didn't have a choice? What if something terrible happens while he's out there? Ah, there are so many ways this could go!

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, that was an awesome new chapter for this story, nicely done! :D

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Like always, your reviews are great fun to read, and your reactions to what happens in the chapter are always interesting.
First, thank you for the review like always, and for picking up on those small things I missed. It always seems to slip past me. XD
I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter and the characters included in it. It was fun to write. Oliver is always a blast to write. XD
I'll try and have the next chapter out soon, but I haven't finished writing it yet, so may take some time. :) But I'm sure it will be just as interesting as this one.



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Sun May 12, 2024 4:51 am
monkeyladder2 says...



The characters you've created are well-defined and have unique personalities, making them interesting and engaging to follow. The dialogue between the two main characters is natural and contributes to the overall flow of the story. The pacing is well-done, creating suspense and leaving the reader wanting to learn more about the mysterious character of Zerkar and the forbidden outside world. Overall, it's an intriguing and exciting start to your story."






Thank you for the review.




You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender