Hi there JamesPeterson! Lim here with a short review.
First Impressions
I found this chapter entertaining and fast-paced. I’m very interested by the fourth-wall-breaking style of narration that also seems to jump from one thing to another, sometimes deceiving the reader, even for a brief moment. I do find that it’s harder to make sense of a conventional premise and plot from reading this chapter at the moment, though. Like Spearmint, I did find the 'jumps' in the story a bit hard to adjust to (I had to read the chapter over twice, quite carefully). From what I can gather, it seems like the narrator is a time-travelling person who was also one of two people to be ‘born’ without a beating heart? (Or dead at birth but revived somehow without their heart working?) Their adult version went back in time to tell their mother about *something important* but didn’t actually get the chance to say it, which is a real oof.
Characters
The main character seems to be Miles the space turtle the narrator. They seem to be a confident person who likes being clever and cracking jokes. At points, they seem to swing a little to the arrogant and the abrasive side as well, for example, they think a lot of things are “idiotic inquiries”.
So, yes, I lied. Get used to it, chum.
What’s particularly interesting about them is that they are an unreliable narrator. We’re not told their name even in this chapter and know very little about what they *actually* look like other than that they want us to think they are “devilishly handsome, of course”. That certainly makes me curious and fulfils the mystery criterion for this story!
Being a particularly calm woman, Jen did not scream. She instead hyperventilated, a much less annoying reaction, I think.
On a side note, this line makes me curious about this character and why he finds screaming so irritating. Does he hear it often? From whom? Or does he just find the concept of screaming irritating?
I did, however, have something very important to tell her, something that might possibly change all of history forever. Something that could potentially save countless lives! (Not true: it’s about 4,941,326,870.5 lives. The 0.5 was a particularly interesting squirrel.)
I like that the main character’s general motivation is clear – they want to save people/ change something bad that happens in history – and yet it’s still mysterious. Why do they want to save those people? What is his “conflicted past” with himself?
Ending
Neither of their hearts were beating, however.
Spooky, right?
I’m not sure how deep you’re in with the process of writing this story, but I just wanted to say I felt like I didn’t quite expect the chapter to end right at this line? I often split up my drafts into chapters very arbitrarily (I mean, after all it’s a draft <.<), so I was wondering if this is meant to be the ‘final’ or ‘revised’ end-to-chapter 0.5. I did feel like it was a bit of an abrupt end to such a fast-paced chapter, as the phrase “Spooky, right?” gives me the impression that the narrator is about to explain what just happened –but then they don’t. That could just be me, though.
Humor
I think you got in a lot of funny jokes in this chapter. I particularly enjoyed the absurd humor of the man appearing with a Hello Kitty lunchbox. The way you describe that scene in detail also makes it extra funny as it ups the ‘drama’ of the scene. Man randomly appears in hospital room to announce he is woman’s son? Odd. Said man has a dapper outfit AND a Hello Kitty lunchbox AND the lunchbox is mysteriously battered? Hilarious. The “Hey mom, how’s it going?” is the icing on the cake.
The back-and-forth between the narrator and his mother was also high on the comedy aspect. I thought you balanced showing Jenine’s confusion and shock and her funny moments pretty well. I think in a serious story, Jenine having funny lines in a situation where she supposed to be scared might be harder to pull off, but the absurdity of the previous parts makes it easier to adjust to Jenine’s wisecracks.
My dear mother threw a pudding cup at me.
I blinked as it hit my chest and fell to the floor, splattering.
“Hrm. Tapioca, my favorite.”
Jenine sighed heavily, “Mine too. But please tell me I’m dreaming.”
I also like how the physical comedy is used to deliver a bit of characterisation and show the bond between mother and son (albeit across time and space, and without Jenine’s knowledge).
Overall
This seems to be the beginning of a fun and intriguing story. I could imagine it being a serial in a magazine or e-zine somewhere, as well as a book (some parts give me The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy vibes). It leaves me wondering about who the narrator is as a person and who is the other person that was tangled up in the same supernatural happenings as him.
Hope some of this helps, and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
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