Young Writers Society

Please give me a message! This is not a joke! Please give me a message! AND EVERYONE'S RIGHT! I'M JJUST STUPID. GO AWAY!!!!

Rivy, do not tag me anymore.

If you would like, I can do a review. The review would be constructive but harsh. (And probably long). If you cannot handle constructive criticism, then I will admire from afar.

Hey there, @BeingRivy, here for a review

I think this story really holds up together, there's only this one thing that needs a bit more effort.
Your characters.

For a start, a lot of their actions are questionable. Like when the girl in the first story sees a book made out of literal human skin, and her reaction is to open the book. Any normal human would've been shocked, disgusted, and probably would've been too scared to open it.

I also felt like the characters could have a bit more unique personalities,
The best way to make them stand out more is to
- give them flaws
- give them unique personalities (not just "the angry one," "the shy one,"...)
- also give them talents, skills, and things they're good at
It's really hard at first, but you'll get used to it. Otherwise, you can always base a character's personality on someone you know. Like make your main character a copy of your best friend, or your fav celebrity.

Apart from this really slight thing, i feel like for a small project, the story was really good! I read it fully and i really loved the idea ! Keep writing you've clearly got a talent at this !

To help with detail, think about the five senses. What is the character seeing, what are they feeling, what are they hearing, what are they tasting, what are they smelling. All these things added together will make a more immersive story for the reader. To add suspense, cut out unnecessary words in sentences, like um, and, but, etc. Cut down on words that aren't useful. A lot of newbie writers will just add a lot of words just for word count or because they don't know which ones to get rid of, just think about it. If you want people to feel dread, you either need an extremely visceral description that elicits said reaction, or the reader to develop a bond with the character, therefore feeling dread at the thought of harm coming to them.
definitely work .on dialogue and making it sound more realistic.
Horror is dependent on tension and release. You need to have build up, tension, release, more tension, etc. You can't have constant tension or else people will become desensitized.

Hi BeingRivy,

Mailice here with a short review!

As requested I´m here to give some feedback to your stories, just keep in mind, that I won´t always do this.

What I noticed in the first story is that a lot is missing. I think you have a good basic idea, but I would think that this is only the first summary of the story and I would also say that there will be much more to see and read once it is a real manuscript of a short story.

In horror stories it is definitely important to grab the reader. You have to develop a fear and dread in the reader when something unknown is in front of them and make them think. For the most part, however, you can only do that if you don't talk about something directly. Show it and you will succeed in building up tension. Describe it with your emotions and feelings. Put yourself in the role of the protagonist. What do you smell, what do you hear, what do you think? If you start to describe something with these instincts, you will definitely succeed in leaving a lasting impression. Don't give everything away, so that there are still some points left open at the end! This way you will definitely create a more exciting picture.

Apart from some spelling mistakes, I would also try to work on the grammar, but I think you should put your focus more in the direction of concentrating on the structure to get the points mentioned above.

I see that you used a different style in the second story, but fell back into the original motif. The important thing is to show rather than describe. Keep information away and maybe start the story with a bit more tension by putting the characters right into a situation that is not quite understandable. This also brings the characters closer to the reader if there is a build-up that happens as the story progresses.

I would advise you to keep writing and to remember where you started and to keep developing from there. It's also very important to give yourself points about what you want in a story and what the "horror" or "mystery" is. You won't be able to prescribe a success overnight, but over the course of many hours where you thought you weren't getting anywhere. It is important that you never give up and:

- Make an outline of what should be included in the story.
- Try to think about what exactly the characters are thinking and saying.
- Describe, but try to keep it minimalistic.
- Possibly stick to an open ending that gives the reader the opportunity to think for themselves about what might happen next.
- Always work on that and don't give up writing.

I can't wait to see what else comes from your pen and I think I'll be watching closely.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

First Story:

Your characters need to begin their journey without a clue of what happens next. When you start a horror story with the narrator describing what will occur throughout the plot, the horror seems forced and bland. Try describing the normal, not what won't be normal later. What colour are the bedsheets, the curtains, the paint on the walls? Where is the window in position to the bed? Is there a desk, is there a closet? Elaborate about this rocking chair. A note on that - the character knows there is something odd about it before even sitting up or getting out of bed. How? Does something catch his eye from his peripheral vision, does he sleep on his side, is the rocking chair rocking? The narrator also seems to be expecting this book, but why? You also changed tense partway through this first paragraph, so you should probably change it to be more consistent.

A few technical errors in the next few paragraphs. 'Fairy tale' is spelled with a stray 'l.' When your characters think, italicizing the thought itself is standard and clarifying. You forgot the word 'have' before 'seen.' The title of a book should always be properly capitalised and underscored/italicized, and words which are not the first within a sentence and not proper nouns are not to be capitalised unless for emphasis in an informal work. There are more throughout the rest of the text, but I will refrain from identifying each one to save time and space. The grimoire is described, but not very well, and splitting the description into multiple paragraphs was not necessary for the amount of text used and ideas expressed. The dream relating to it is not described at all, and appears to be a short bit of text with no purpose, plotwise.

School is not described sufficiently, but science class is described in too much detail, so you may want to find a middle ground between the two. The dialogue between Abbot and Jackie seems forced, and their personalities are not expressed well through their conversation. They speak a bit formally and directly state facts they should already know about each other. Suddenly, strong emotion is thrust into the narrative, but it disappears just as quickly. Abbot must be extremely dependent on Jackie despite speaking of and acting towards her so impatiently. The rhyming spell had no rythym, and the details regarding it are awkward and random.

The dream is, once again, not described in enough detail. Abbot seemingly awakens, but this is not mentioned at all. The lighter should have a background, as it is suddenly introduced. Does Abbot carry a lighter around to the point of sleeping with it nearby? Why, and since when? The mime is also introduced in such a manner, and Abbot suddenly dies for no apparent reason. Where does the mime come from? Is it/he related to the spellbook? Why does Abbot die? How? How do the first dream and Jackie play in? Was Jackie just another reason school was awful? Was the whole thing about science really necessary? There are so many plot lines left dangling that the ending isn't at all satisfying.

Second Story:

You should have made more of a distinction between where the two stories end and begin, because it is confusing. This story is very incomplete, and therefore hard to work with. It has many grammatical errors like the first story, but the descriptions are more complete; they could still be more polished. The plot appears more developed, but what you have posted is lacking most of it. Next time please post a full story, as there really is not much one can help with when given so little material.

A Note:

Perhaps you could consider writing on paper. I always have trouble writing when I am using a computer and also end up staring at the screen. Writing with other people also helps, especially since they can support you and hold you accountable. Another thing I have to say is, don't force it. A good story should grow on its own and develop logically within its own world. Don't try too much to be like other authors either. You can take inspiration from them, but it's never good to imitate too closely. Thank you for posting your stories.

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!!

I got the message you left on my profile about this piece! Here's a hot tip: I noticed you leaving the same comments on other people's walls; you can simply post a link to it to your own wall and then tag everyone who you want to read it, like a lot of people do with novel chapters. Generally, it's polite to ask people if they want to be tagged to, and make the option open for people to remove themselves from the tag list. But tag lists are useful because you only have to make one comment!

I think these were promising starts!! I'm intrigued by that last one especially; it seems like a story about some sort of alien having a child? I think it has the potential to be really sweet and funny, especially if they go on all sorts of misadventures. I think that familial love is an underused trope, and I really loved to see the premonitions of it sprouting in your work! Nice job!

One thing I do think you could work on is finishing stories. It's kind of hard to give pointers on stories as a whole, especially horror stories, if they aren't finished. I think these were promising starts, but finishing stories (even if the ending isn't the best) is a good way to get that feeling of finality, and it can also spur more thoughts about what could happen.

I also thought your writing style was a bit more telling rather than showing. I felt like I couldn't relate to your characters very well, since your narration was very cut and dry. I think focusing on emotions and channeling those into your story would help flesh out the characters a bit more. Like rather than telling us the main character in the first story likes science, show us him in science class answering a question right and his pride at succeeding. Maybe contrast that to another moment in a different class at school that shows him doing not-so-well. But you should only include that information if it's going to be relevant. You went into a lot of detail about oxidation and such, but I couldn't really see that being relevant later on in the story. Only include details that are going to serve the story somehow. Of course, there's a little wiggle room on that, but I think if you're going into detail, you should make sure it's important.

In terms of writing horror, I think one of the best things you can do is establish a norm, and then deviate and pervert that norm to the extreme while withholding just enough information from the readers. In your mime story, I felt like so much happened in a really short amount of time. If you took time to establish the main character's life, then his usage of the spellbook increasing with some strange side effects, and then introduced the mime in his room, I think that would be a better structured horror story. I think by slowing it down, it would improve the pacing and by proxy, other story aspects.

Specifics

“Everything seems normal on my side of the bed, Like everyday,especially near the end of April. No manifestation stuff or notes appear to be on my bed. except for something feels weird on my rocking chair where my old teddy bear lives. I woke up, and lifted my half of my body up. Then I noticed something that shocked me a little. It was here.

Then It hit me that I had a weird dream relatable to the spellbook...