he was me
and i was him
we were whole
even though now,
he is buried in the ground
and i am standing here,
looking down
i am him
he is me
and we are whole
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138,327 Literary Works • 672,102 Reviews
Hello hello. I'll be using the Basic Template for this review since the poem is short.
he was me and i was him
1. The Overall Impression
My overall impression of this is a really emotional work. The "he" in question is never actually shown as anyone in specific, but to the narrator, he is important. Since there is a lack of genre tags, it's harder to pick it apart. Although, I think that really works for this because it's short, it's straightforward, and it keeps on topic throughout.
It made me feel a lot of things - mostly a sense of urgency towards the middle. The man is buried somewhere, which shows a lack of escape. The urgency is less "help me" and more "it is what it is, and I do not like it" if you know what I mean. There is also a sense of understanding towards the conclusion of the poem when it's shown that the man is even more important than we thought. It works well together.
2. The Criticism
I'm not a fan of where you chose to break the lines. I know that it's a stylistic thing, but at some points, it gets hard to follow along with. If you wanted to create the sense of the man being dead earlier one, I'd say break on the "whole" parts of the line. There's a lot of meaning that comes along with line breaks, even when they seem to just be completely random at times, because it shows where the reader should stop and take a breath and look over what they had previously read to see the meaning.
Here's an example in the spoiler below:
Spoiler
we were whole
even though now, he is
buried in the ground
and i am standing here,
looking down
i am him he is me
and we are
whole
Even though this is a shorter poem, the new stanza at the second "i am him, he is me" part could really show that it is what someone should be paying attention to. The ending of a poem is honestly the most important part along with keeping the storyline fresh and having an impactful first line, so I suggest to really make it shine.
The line break at "buried in the ground" can be used creatively because it shows that the line is beneath the lines before it. I'm a big fan of adding story to each line break, especially when it's done with a darker line like that one - it creates another layer of atmosphere to the poem, which is great for shorter ones like this one right here.
3. The Positive Parts
Now, I mentioned line breaks a lot, but one stylistic thing I loved was the lack of punctuation. I usually don't do that because I think it creates a sense of an outline for my poetry, but I think it's so wonderful when others do it. It works with the theme being about death and loss of an important figure because it shows a look into the mind of someone who is in the midst of grieving, possibly ending up losing themselves in it as well.
The usage of commas without periods might be controversial, but I like it because it does what I mentioned with the outline. It's easier to see where the thought ends and where it continues with commas than it is with a full stop. I also enjoy that they are used very rarely and only there like two times if I counted correctly.
That's it! Happy RevMo!
-- chi
This poem is wonderful! It's done in a very simple and matter-of-fact style that perfectly adds to the point of it, and the effect is wonderful.
"even though now" This is the only critique I have for this poem - this line sounds sort of clunky and odd. perhaps you could change it to just "although now". Of course, take what I say with a pinch of salt; I often have people comment things I'd much rather keep the same, so of course dismiss this if you don't Vibe with it.
Overall, it's a lovely poem with a beautiful effect created through its simplicity and frank diction. Great job!
Hi,
Birdie here with a review!
I really love your concept - you immediately establish the concept, which makes it easy for us as the audience to connect with. You manage to capture the emotions and themes of the poem in a simplistic but poignant tone - well done! In terms of improvement, I would maybe flesh out the central part, by a couple of sentences or so, into something like:
"We were whole,
Now he's gone,
We were whole,
He was a part of me,
The medicine for my santity"
But it's just a suggestion of course - you do whatever feels right for your work.
Well done and keep writing!
Hiya! Good evening, night, morning whatever it may be for ya. Vern here with a review for ya.
Wow, this poem is gorgeous what else can I say? It's so short but gets its point across in a such beautiful and rueful few words. The story and emotions of this character we're introduced to are easy to sympathize with. The readers can feel the sadness of seeing a loved one being buried and seeing them for one last time.
Aside from that, I'm not sure if not capitalizing was a stylistic choice but something about it just feels right haha!!
I don't have much criticism, but I would like to say that this was so fun to read and I look forward to more of your work. Keep up the great work.
-Vern