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by 111

The wind blowing through my hair, my arms above my head with the wind pushing my hands down blowing through my fingers. I feel light and happy, I’m yelling to the music, it's my favorite song. He’s next to me, smiling, his arm looped around my shoulder. We’re crossing a bridge. It's red, the water glistening from the warm sun. I can breathe, the weights are lifted off my shoulder. Everything is perfect, there are no problems. I’ve never felt better, I’m wearing flip flops, towels are in the back seat, and iced coffee in our cupholders. We’re heading to the beach, we’re relaxed already.

The vision, that vision fades. I’m brought to reality again, I’m frozen. My body feels numb walking over to him. I’m shaking him, someone’s screaming his name. He’s cold, his hands are heavy. This isn’t happening, this shouldn’t be happening. This should be me, I should be dead, I should be on the floor. Cold and dead. My feet are moving behind me, stopping as I walk into the door. My knees buckle and collapse, making me slide down the door. I let out an unholy scream, yelling his name, yelling at god until my throat is raw and my screams turn to whispers. I sit there, for hours staring at him, his lifeless body. 

ps this is my first one so please be nice and constructive criticism is appreciated!

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33 Reviews

Points: 151
Reviews: 33

Tue Aug 24, 2021 6:16 pm
Kelisot wrote a review...

Ooh, interesting-- I always love reading the stories of new people.
Also, a welcome hug (or high five? What's better for you? By the way, it's virtual, not literal) to YWS, where you probably will meet other writers like me and you!

At first, reading the piece, I would love to compliment the fact that your writing piece was quite descriptive in the first paragraph. Honestly, I'm not an expert when it comes to describing... but you executed quite well! Also from looking, I could see the narrator is speaking in the first person, and they seem to be somewhere, perhaps a honeymoon a haven?

Then all of a sudden, the lovely image of the couple turns out the narrator mourning "his" death (can't assume, I don't know whether it's he or she), who I guess could be their loved one or possibly a romantic partner.
We also realized the narrator was actually "dreaming" a vision-- the man is actually dead, not alive. It's also that the narrator is on the door, so perhaps an accident happened?

Whatever happened, I'm interested to know what actually happened in this story.

Your story made a great impression on your first time! i hope you keep it up!

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111 says...

Thank you so much! I'm glad I meant a good impression for my first time! Honestly, I was terrified to post this as it was my first time, and was nervous of what people would think. But, I'm glad I did! Thank you for the great review as well!

Kelisot says...

Don't worry!!! I was quite afraid when I was posting one of my first works, Mercury, upon YWS. But I got constructive criticism, and I have pride in my own works!!!

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646 Reviews

Points: 79424
Reviews: 646

Tue Aug 24, 2021 1:48 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...


Welcome to YWS! Hope you have an amazing time here!

I am RandomTalks and I am here to leave a quick review!

This was a really heartfelt piece. It was short and poignant and your clipped sentences give it a more realistic feeling. The first paragraph felt like a really good memory or a dream that you don't want to wake up from. I feel like you could use a little more description to make the second paragraph even more impactful, but it's alright either ways. A bit more exploration of their relationship would probably have helped us connect with the characters and sympathize with the narrator.

But I found the transition very smooth and neatly managed. From this scene in a dream, you shift to a nightmarish reality where the person is dead and the memory or the dream forever shattered. I liked how you focused on her thoughts as well as her emotions, and although it was short, her grief was very real and I could actually feel her heartbreak. Losing someone you love is never easy and you portray that very well.

This was really good. I feel it could have been a little longer to give you those feels, but that's just my personal opinion. I wonder why you haven't given this a title. Does that have some significance to the story?

Keep writing and have a great day!

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111 says...

Thank you so much for the welcome! I'm so glad you liked what I wrote and thank you for the tips as well! I will definitely think of updating it and keeping that in mind in the future! As for the title, this was written pretty quickly so I couldn't come up with much. I thought leaving this untitled would work in the end because when grieving it's often hard to give a specific title to the emotion as you can be feeling a lot at once.

Courage, my soul! Now learn to wield the weight of thine immortal shield...
— Andrew Marvell