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16+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Killings of Nathaniel Rake. Chapter 1

by YOUKNOWWHO, none


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.



Prologue 

It was a sad night in River Valley, Kentucky. A night that would put a pit in the stomachs of even the most hard-scarred detective.

 A place that was supposed to be an upbeat tv type town had become a populous, city of crime in recent years. 

A boy only the age of eleven cried. But these tears could not be heard as for The sky had chosen to cry that night also. All the While The Killer got away.

Chapter.1. “New Job!”

Buzzz….”Earlier this morning the Bodies of 3 ex-cons were found dead on 351 sky street. The Police are refusing to release any information such as the manner of their death.

Zap.. I shut off the tv as quickly as I turned it on. I already knew the news ‘’Killer strikes again’’, It was the 7th Group murder, we’d seen this year!

There was a knock at the door interrupting my thoughts on the sad truth.

“Come in’’. 

In walked a man with a familiar, rather long chin, and a large gut; My Boss.

‘’I could hear you making good use of you're new office’s flat screen" stated my boss

‘’Yes sir’’ I responded

‘’Anything from the public yet, Scott’’ asked the old man hopefully.

‘’Nothing but repeats of our old news’’ I Informed him.

‘’Go ahead, and re-read the cases, you Might be able to find something’’ he responded 

Heading off to check in on other cases. 

The old man’s name is Anthony Charles. He used to be just like me until the man above retired. 

I am a part of the A.D.U; Ace Detectives unit.

 There are 3 ranks in this job, rank 1-News informant. In this rank, you get good with the people on the streets and get paid. Kind of like an informant.

Rank-2, Ace Detective, you get assigned a case, you work on it, and then present it to your Boss A.k.a the Master Ace Detective.

Ten years ago,  River valley practically went from a walnut grove to a Gotham city overnight, 

After governor Andrew Sims arrived at his house late at night, he discovered a group of mugs known as the Iece Beaters there. 

They proceeded to record and beat him. 

They played the video live at the cities newly paid-for theatres inciting a huge upheaval In the town. hundreds of the poorer living citizens of the newly booming town had decided they had enough of wealthy members. 

The gang's original members have since then been caught and tried, but the group's damage has  hooked into our old town and caused an upward slope of crime.

The emergency council decided that since crime matured so should the force working 

Against it thus starting the very first Adu. 

3 years later I was patrolling a small apartment complex in the middle of a thundering night when I heard the slight noise of a child crying. I decided to check it out,

There behind the apartment where the bodies of Jane and John Doe. That was the first time I had ever stumbled upon dead bodies, let alone one dead body. 

The sight was enough to make me throw up. After that, I was only barely attached to the case.  I felt as if I should be working solidly on that case but instead, they moved me back to patrol.

After that, I decided to join the A.D.U 

I started out as a news informant as most cops newly joined would  But, recently my hard work on a drug bust, and some ‘’position changes’’ earned me a place in rank-2. 

To think They had me on the streets working as a bartender in the lower part of town giving free drinks and getting free tips.

Well, anyways, let's get back to what's at hand.

‘’Case 1- The leader of black Iece and his mugs were found dead in an alleyway downtown. No bullets, except for Some Thin burns. No weapon found

Case 2- The face of WMOK (Wealthy members of Kentucky) was found dead in his mansion with a thin hole around 1 inch wide leading straight through his heart and out the other side. First-degree burns around the entry point no gunshot residue found on the scene. No weapon found.

Case 3-the few members of the black dog gang were found dead in a dumpster on 101

Whale street. Tiny holes leading from one side of the body to the other side similar to the WMOK case were on all five of the bodies found.

Cases 4,5, and 6 were all individual, not really big enough to mention cases. All we need to know is that They all shared similarities to the first and 3 cases.

Case 7-The 3 ex-cons names were  Jerome Helson, Tyrone Johnson, and Oliver Peak.

There were all reformed ex-Black Iece members. They served their time, all had

Families and all had moved on.    Still no weapon.

The original theory was rival gang killings until the autopsy came out. The weapon used in the cause of death is undetermined but, we know it's not any weapon we have seen.

We cannot theorize a suspect or charge anyone without a confession or a weapon.

So for now we have no choice but to wait until the killer slips up. And thats goes to saying that he will slip up.

     

 

.

 


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75 Reviews


Points: 4114
Reviews: 75

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Wed Apr 14, 2021 4:36 am
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ImaginativeAlice wrote a review...



Hey, Alice is here to give a review!!!

SUGGESTIONS

~I think you did a lot of mistakes in capitalization, like in these-

All the While The Killer got away.


Earlier this morning the Bodies of 3 ex-con


It is no big deal, you can just go through it once and edit it.

~Secondly I noticed a mistake in the diologues,

‘’Go ahead, and re-read the cases, you Might be able to find something’’ he responded


There should be a punctuation mark in the end of the diologue.

~Maybe you should put commas between lines where you think there is a pause because it stops the flow of the reading and everything gets mixed up.


Lastly my suggestion for you is to make your writing easy for the readers to read or else they will get bored. Change the structure of the story a bit, everything else is nice. I really like the plot though, it is very mysterious. I am waiting for the chapters!!!

Bye!!!!




YOUKNOWWHO says...


Thanks for the review! I wrote this story before, I got better at my writing skills. I Still Have a long way to go until I reach master level, but I sure will try. Why not read "A Decree of Darkness" since you read this one; they are both in the same world.



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238 Reviews


Points: 23883
Reviews: 238

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Tue Apr 13, 2021 7:13 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi YOUKNOWWHO and none? :D

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Let's start with what I noticed while reading:

Some words are misspelled with capital letters and others are not. It seems like an inconsistency that stops the flow of reading while reading. I would read over it again and sort out these mistakes. (For example, TV is written in lower case, once also Valley in River Valley, A.D.U. as Adu etc...). I also notice that in some dialogues the punctuation mark is missing, such as question mark, comma or full stop.

Heading off to check in on other cases.
The old man's name is Anthony Charles. He used to be just like me until the man above retired.


The transition doesn't seem to flow smoothly here. One should have added a sentence about the narrator taking out the file or noticing something.
I also notice how the next paragraph talks about the units. It seems like it's still part of the file, so I would rewrite that a bit, and for the purposes of overview it would also make more sense to list the ranks in a single paragraph.

Rank-2, Ace Detective, you get assigned a case, you work on it, and then present it to your Boss A.k.a the Master Ace Detective.
Ten years ago, River valley practically went from a walnut grove to a Gotham city overnight,


Again, the transition seems a bit quick as you jump from one point to another. Either add another blank line or mark it with *** or something so that the reader realises that the story continues here.

I think that's the biggest criticism of the story, that you can't always follow the plot immediately, especially because of the lack of paragraphs, because at some points it goes from a standstill at the file to an explanation of the A.D.U. and so on. This needs some tweaking, otherwise it's impossible to follow the story.
As a reader, you don't have the background knowledge of what the author knows. It's important to try to present it clearly and understandably. It can happen that you write things hastily because you don't want to forget them. I know that, and it often happens to me, too. :D
As a quick tip I would say this:

A story is always like an instruction manual for the reader. It has to be user-friendly and simple. :D

What I did like, though, is that you get some very intriguing information, and get a clear picture of the situation (even if you have to filter it out a bit). It raises the questions that as a reader you want to have in a mystery story, which I really like. So plot-wise I wouldn't change anything yet, but really just with the structure. Apart from that, I'm very curious to see what else will develop from it, after all, the title is still a little opaque for me. But that's what makes it so exciting. :D

Keep up the writing and have fun!

Mailice.




YOUKNOWWHO says...


Read the message above this for the same info. A.k.a my reply to the first review. I ran this through Grammarly and did a terrible job of it. I Will publish a reprint of it. I Didn't realize this old story had so many errors!




Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
— Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)