Young Writers Society

Hey there friend! ^_^ I really enjoyed your other piece of writing, so I hope you don't mind me checking this one out! <3

Just a quick note; I noticed that all your paragraphs except the last one begin with "I" -> it's not a big deal, but personally, I would change it up just to make it less repetitive and to add some variation c: But up to you!

I wandered through the deep, dark alleys as I gathered my thoughts. I was alone, finally. I could have a minute of peace to really think for myself ; not for him or her. It felt strange. I was allowed to think without the others yelling behind me

I shuddered in the bitter breeze and hugged myself tight.

My glasses fogged up to the point where I chucked them on the floor

Why did I bother anymore? It was not like someone was going to love me, so why bother?

I kicked it to satisfy my irritation however hurt my toe in the process.

The warm gold shimmer of the light beckoned to me to come.

That is when I realised, to follow the lanterns…

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was quite a deep story despite being relatively short. I feel like I can really connect with our protagonist here...and get a very good sense of what kind of backstory they have. Its pretty well written here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I wandered through the deep, dark alleys as I gathered my thoughts. I was alone, finally. I could have a minute of peace to really think for myself ; not for him or her. It felt strange. I was allowed to think without the others yelling behind me…

I continued to slowly jaunt through the lane. There were rubbish bags scattered all over the place, some coming up to my waist in a filthy stench. The rain fell harshly onto my thin, ripped hoodie, however it was silent. I kicked a puddle of dirty, brown mud: I messed up my boots to shreds, who was I to care though.

I shuddered in the bitter breeze and hugged myself tight. I carried on walking...softly...down...the...lane. My glasses fogged up to the point where I chucked them on the floor, the sudden shatter of the lenses made my heart jump. I walked quicker now, to avoid the now revolting smell of the rubbish sacks.

I wanted to go home but I couldn’t. I had no home now after all, just my soaked rags and a mini phone, with nothing more than a narrow, broken screen and 4 buttons still intact. Why did I bother anymore? It was not like someone was going to love me, so why bother? I stumbled on a large rock ; I kicked it to satisfy my irritation however hurt my toe in the process.

I had a weird gut feeling to run, so I did...I had no idea where I was going but I figured to just take a left turn, towards the distant glows of lanterns. The warm gold shimmer of the light beckoned to me to come. I had no clue what was in our city, I just had a thought to follow the light. I heard distant laughs and shouts...so this was what a city is: cheery and social. Everything but me. I listened in, attempting to translate the remote mumbles of the people from hundreds, possibly thousands of metres away.

I carried on walking down a quiet, bleak path until I reached a crossing. I couldn’t even care enough as to look both ways, I just lumbered myself across the road. I looked at my phone for a minute...it displayed a message from mother.

“I am so disappointed in you Rachel. You are out of your mind missy” I felt lost. My own mother couldn’t say anything but hurtful words against me, criticism, insults ; anything apart from love.

That is when I realised, to follow the lanterns…

Hello, here for a short review.

It was a really strong short story. You described the character's emotions so well, that you could actually feel what she was feeling in that moment. Her frustration, loneliness, her desperation and her first experience of the city, you really brought it all to life. The story started so gloomy, but the ending was really positive and the use of the 'lanterns' was very fitting.

One thing though, I would have loved a little more information about the character, who she was, her relationship with her mother and what happened to lead her to that moment, but that's just my opinion. So anyways, good job. Hope to read more of your works.

Hello, here for a short review.

It was a really strong short story. You described the character's emotions so well, that you could actually feel what she was feeling in that moment. Her frustration, loneliness, her desperation and her first experience of the city, you really brought it all to life. The story started so gloomy, but the ending was really positive and the use of the 'lanterns' was very fitting.

One thing though, I would have loved a little more information about the character, who she was, her relationship with her mother and what happened to lead her to that moment, but that's just my opinion. So anyways, good job. Hope to read more of your works.

Wow it's really amazing. Good job. I love how you added the lanterns. I feel like it really adds to the story. It started kind of gloomy but really at the end it really started to light up. It was good how you were telling the reader how the main character felt. You really used the right words to show the reader the mood of the story. It was also nice because I felt like I could imagine everything you were talking about, like a movie. That was done very well. please keep on writing your very talented and good luck. byeeeeeeeee

Hi Yourvirtualquirkyfriend08,

Mailice here with a short review!

First of all, I'd like to note that I really enjoyed the story and despite the dark mood, there is that spark of hope at the very end. I could have thought of it sooner if I had paid attention to the title.

You have a very soothing way of writing. You try to combine several stylistic devices together, which I like a lot. Despite the first person narrator, I think you describe it well without going too deep into character. You don't immediately get sympathy for Rachel and you don't need to be told what happened that she just ran away (?) and wandered.

Another plus I think is how you spread out in the story trying to describe her clothes, like her glasses or boots. You incorporate it very well and it's almost not noticeable that Rachel walks through the world as a "faceless" person, just as if everyone is struck by this feeling of not being noticed by anyone.

On a plot level it's a very well done story, I liked how you worked with the device of "less is more". It's that weird feeling you have as a child/teenager that no one likes you and the only way you can get away is to run away. The question that ultimately still plagues me is what exactly happened. But maybe it's good not to know I've become very sympathetic to Rachel because she has finally found light after all this sadness and despair. (I interpret it as something positive and not as "light" you see when you die to describe a possible suicide).

I messed up my boots to shreds, who was I to care though.