Hey Maple, I hope you're doing all well and not woozy from those chocolate chip cookies! My name is Saad and I'm new to this website, and this is my first review. I'm going to drop a review.
So, I really liked how this script went as far as the story beats went. It didn't feel garish or jumpy, which I appreciate, since that is something I see in many scripts. The action is punctuated with the dialog, which is slightly confusing for me. I am not sure if this is supposed to be a stageplay or a screenplay though, pardon me for my subpar knowledge of literary mediums.
The exposition by Surge at the start is alright, but that could've been a bit more active from Vex, as he felt really passive there. I get a sense of the thing is going, and for comedic value, I think I might be willing to trade suspense. Still, I'd be a bit more inclined and engaged towards the script if it was a bit suspenseful. The good thing is, it does not feel as hackneyed as something else would, following the same formula.
Moving on to the second paragraph of the script, Vex has quite the stereotypical villain attitude. The dialog is a bit too patronizing, and could've been phrased sinisterly and less on the verge of smashing the fourth wall into pieces. But, overall, we can establish Vex as the villain or one of the villain from that part of the script.
You could give more insight on how he places the cookie, and what talking does Vex do. It is just filler and a bit less plot-relevant, but it could be fun to know. And, I am still getting "we're going to end the world with this stupid schmuck" vibes here, something that Dr. Drakken (Kim Possible, 2002-2007) or Dr. Doofenschmirtz (Phineas and Ferb, 2007-2015) would give. That is increasingly funny.
I'd assume that the President might be in the Oval Office, and not the presidential kitchenette. That is odd. Furthermore, Mr. President would have a few doubts about something he looks to not have ordered for lunch to be in there. It is a bit strange, but because the hilarity is there, I'm excusing this one. Also, which kind of president are we talking about? The workaholic no-time-for-lunch Joe Biden type or the kind, funny Obama type?
The next paragraph is funnier to me. It is a bit symbolic too. Wouldn't a crowd form of all these workers when somebody notices the president face-planting on to the desk? It seems imminent to me in this particular situation. The President's Assistant -why did he come?
The next is just filler, so I don't have comments.
The guard would be a bit harder on the tone if there's a troublemaker? And the name would make me chuckle up. Evil cookies almost seems like just a guy who's coming here so the commander-in-chief is slightly bemused and a bit pranked up. This could be an episode of Punk'd, but with the context, it feels really funny?
The President appears to have been affected by that vicious cookie! I mean, nobody will let him in in normal circumstances. Vex is clever, ain't he. Use "Sir" instead of "Mr. President", "President Sir" works as well.
The guard was the last link - and now, as he eats the cookie, the destruction begins! It appears that eating that cookie is causing some weird mental thing - perhaps it is laced? I would not know, but it is getting interesting and funnier.
And then the woozy part. Everybody in Washington D.C. becoming carefree and agreeable would be a red flag, at least somebody has to notice. I'm getting more interested here. And this is the funniest.
The last line by the President looks like their lace-to-mind-control plan is finally working! I'm super-excited to see what is next.
I did not find the first part, hence my first review here. This is incredibly funny, tight and engrossing. The only thing I'd suggest is to remove the ambiguity of the medium and keep writing!
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Points: 166
Reviews: 32
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