z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Among Us

by ChesTacos


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

The Skeld, January 21, 2050

"This is Captain Lime to base do you copy? I repeat this is Captain Lime to base do you copy" Lime spoke into the walkie talkie. Suddenly an alarm blared, Lime looked at the screen REACTOR MELTDOWN. "Shit" he muttered. "Red, Yellow go fix the reactor."

"Yes, sir." Captain Lime turned back to the walkie talkie, suddenly he heard a sound behind him. He turned around and saw the vent slowly opening. "Who's there" Lime said, his voice quavered slightly. "Oh...its just you" Lime smiled "you scared me for a second there." In a swift motion an arm was suddenly wrapped around Lime's neck followed by the horrific sound of bone breaking. A sheet of paper fluttered out of Lime's pocket. The killer picked it up, it was a picture of Lime. He was standing next to his wife and two kids, they looked so happy.

Pink hummed to herself as she tried connecting the wires on the panel in front of her. She heard someone step in. "Oh hey White" she smiled. "How are you doing beautiful" White said sidling up to her. Pink giggled "I'm doing great now that you're here" she said. Red came in and smiled. "I'm glad you found someone sis" he said leaning against the electric box. Pink grinned "and I'm glad you approve." The three of them began to talk. Suddenly there tablets buzzed. They checked them.  EMERGENCY MEETING COMMS sent by Purple. "I wonder what that's about" White said, the three of them walked to the communication room.

"I found him like this" Purple pointed to Lime, slumped over next  to the walkie talkie, his neck had been snapped, on the floor next to him was his family picture. "I was with White and Pink in Electrical" Red said. Pink and White nodded their agreement. "Hey...has anyone seen Yellow" Orange asked. "Didn't he go with you to fix reactor" Orange asked Red. Red nodded "yeah and that's the last time I saw him." Orange frowned "so Red, Pink and White were together...where was everyone else" he asked. "I was cleaning up the oxygen filter" Black said. "I was in Medbay...Blue saw me scan" Brown said. "Where were you Orange" Blue asked. "Where do you think" Orange replied, everyone chuckled. Orange was always watching the security cameras, he thought he was some sort of detective. "We have no proof of anyone...let's skip for now. I trust Orange will catch the killer soon enough."

Blue walked around the halls. She spotted Brown up ahead. "Hey" she called out to him. Brown turned to her "yeah what's up?" Blue walked over "as you know I'm new here...do you happen to know where Storage is?" Brown nodded "it's just behind that door." Brown pointed to a door to the right at the end of the hallway.

"Thanks" Blue said. Once Blue entered Storage, Brown stepped into Electrical, he walked over to the Fuse Box. 

Orange watched as Brown placed something on the Fuse box before rushing into hiding. Orange walked over "what's this" it appeared to be some sort of device. Suddenly he heard a silenced gunshot. He collapsed on the ground, catching a glimpse of his blood spray to the right.

"Another body" Pink said surprised "this time in Storage." Pink and White walked over to Storage. Black lay on the floor, his throat had been slit. "I think it was Blue" Brown pointed at Blue. "Why's that" Red asked. "I saw them walk into this room." Blue frowned "you reported the body...how do we know you didn't do it" she asked. Brown scoffed "you're more likely to kill someone" he said. "It was probably Blue" Red said. "That's biased" Blue argued "you're only standing up for him because I'm new here so you don't know me all that well." Red looked taken aback "nonsense" he said "the evidence points to you and I'm sure if Orange was here he would agree" Red said. "Where is Orange anyway" Purple asked. The room fell silent. "You killed Orange too didn't you" Red said "get this bitch out of here." Blue looked at a loss for words but she soon found her speech again "no...guys wait...please...don't do this to me" Purple hesitated "I'm not going to vote to kill someone" she shook her head. "But Purple, she's a killer" Red frowned. Purple held her ground "I refuse to cause anyone's death" she said. Red shrugged "well majority wins anyway...since the Captain's dead the voting system means...bye bye Blue." Blue's eyes welled up with tears "it's not me" she sobbed as Brown and Red threw her out of the ship. "Well then...back to your tasks."

Pink and White stood in Weapons alone. White sat in the big leather chair with Pink on his lap. Pink leaned in and their lips touched. Pink felt a jolt of electricity course through her body, she always felt that when they kissed. "We should probably do our tasks" White whispered. Pink giggled "I like this better" she whispered back. White smiled "I do too" he said. "We should really go now" Pink said after a while. White nodded "OK." They stood up and went off to do their tasks. White hummed a cheery tune as he waked through the halls, he was headed for Electrical. As he was getting closer he saw Brown holding some sort of device. Brown clicked it and the lights shut off. White gasped and turned around to run, Brown saw him and gave chase. White clicked the Emergency button on his tablet desperately. No power. "Shi-" suddenly he felt the hammer smash into his head "I'm sorry...I can't let you do that" Brown whispered bringing the hammer down once more.

Pink and Red finally turned on the lights again. "All better" he grinned. Pink smiled "yeah all better." The two of them exited Electrical and went their separate ways.

Purple slowly slid her card inside the Admin slot. As she did she looked at the picture inside her wallet. It was of her boyfriend and her dog. "I'm coming home soon" she whispered, her eyes welled up with tears as she said that. Her tablet buzzed, EMERGENCY MEETING CAFETERIA sent by Red. She rushed to cafeteria. "What's up" she asked as everyone else showed up. "Look at what I found." He showed everyone a gun. "Engraved on the handle is the letter P." Everyone gasped. "P for Purple" Red said pointing to Purple. "Let's see the engraving than." Red showed them it, sure enough it was the letter P. "So it's gotta be P for Purple" Red smiled. "What about Pink" Purple asked pointing to Pink. "Pink was with me." Purple shook her head "guys...come on...I'm not the kind of person to have a gun...I mean I would never hurt someone. You know that." Brown frowned "she's got a point you know...it could be P for Pink." Red clenched his fists in anger "my...sister...is...not...a...killer" he spat. Brown nodded "well I don't think Purple is a killer either" he said "in fact I know exactly who the killer is." Brown pointed at Red "it's you." Red frowned "how is that even possible...I was with Pink and White most of the time." Brown nodded "and in the gaps between you killed people and sabotaged the ship" Brown said. Red scoffed "don't be ridiculous how could I look my sister in the eyes if I killed everyone." Brown thought this over "well..." 

"Guys look" Pink pointed to a body, it was White. "Oh my God." Pink collapsed on the floor in a fit of tears. Red rushed over "it's OK...we'll avenge him. Don't cry" Red hugged his sister as she cried into his shoulder. Red glared at Brown and Purple. They both looked at their feet, Red's glare was...terrifying. "I say we vote off Brown since Purple has a point." 

"Wha-" now it was Brown's turn to glare "what about the gun that clearly points to Purple since Pink would never hurt her boyfriend." Purple gasped "I thought you were on my side" she said.

"I-"

"I also saw Brown plant a device on the fuse box...he likely used that to cut the lights" Purple said. "After that I ran away as Orange walked in...and Orange later died...it was Brown all along. I'm voting Brown" Purple said. Red nodded "me too." Pink nodded her head slightly, still sobbing. Brown started to run "No! I won't let you" he shouted. Red was faster he tackled Brown to the ground and as he did a bloody hammer fell out of Brown's pocket. "What's this" Red asked picking it up. Brown gulped "uh...well...you...uh...see...about that...um..." Red brought the hammer down on Brown's head knocking him out. Than he dragged the body and tossed it out of the Skeld. 

As the three of them sat there Pink suddenly gasped. "Hey...didn't Brown scan in front of us...that means he had tasks...meaning he wasn't the killer. He was framed." The three of them looked at each other "The killer is still among us."

"Purple" Red suggested. Purple shook her head "I say Red...he was too eager to toss everyone off the ship." 

"Red was with me most of the time" Pink countered. "Guys...I would never even hurt a fly" Purple frowned. "An act...it was all an act to throw us off your trail." Purple shook her head "that is the most bullshit thing I've ever heard" she said. "We need to eject you for safe measure...I'm sorry." Purple stood up and started backing away. "Don't do this to me...please I'm begging you." Red grabbed her and started dragging her towards the main door. "No stop" Purple yelled struggling to break free of Red's tight grip on her arm. Red threw her against the door and pulled the lever. With a grand kick to the chest she floated away. Red turned back to Pink. She smiled "we did it" she said. "Yeah" Red nodded "we sure did." They watched Purple's body floating around outside. "Hey Pink want to know something" he said. Pink nodded "what is it" she asked. "It was me." Pink looked confused "what do you mean it was...ohhhhhhhh" Pink laughed "nice one bro." Red shook his head "I gave Brown instructions to plant the device and cause the sabotage telling him I would pay him a lot of money. I killed everyone, the gun that had the letter P engraved on it was actually R. I covered up the line." Pink stumbled away from her brother "you monster" she spat "why would you kill White" she asked. "I didn't" Red said simply "Brown did after White saw him cause the sabotage." Pink collapsed on the floor "you're still a monster, I trusted you. Why would you do this to me" she asked. Red frowned "I'm sorry sis, it had to be done" he pulled out a knife. "Don't you dare call me sis, I'm not your sister. I don't even know you" she started to run. Red chased after her "Pink please...I had no choice. It had to be done, those poor aliens." Pink shook her head. "I agree we should not have massacred the aliens on Polus but that doesn't give you any right to kill everyone" Pink said. "I had to teach them a lesson...show them how it feels to watch everyone that matters to them get killed one by one, they deserved it." Pink tripped over a wire. Red approached. "I was friends with those aliens...I had to watch them die, one by one. Do you know how painful that was? Do you have any idea!? I had to teach them a lesson." Pink crawled back "Red...you don't have to do this, please." Red shook his head "yes I do. They killed them and for what? The aliens didn't agree to the science experiments so they killed them" he raised his knife. "They had orders...we couldn't disobey the orders" Pink said "it's not their fault."

Red chuckled "do you really believe that" he asked. "You know that they could have just said no."

"No they couldn't have...they would have lost their job." Red pressed a knee against Pink's chest. "Innocent lives were lost" he said bringing the knife down. 

Pink wasn't exactly sure what happened. As if by instinct she grabbed Red's arm, the one with the knife. "I won't let you take anymore lives" she said. Adrenaline seemed to coarse through her body. She used her other hand to punch Red in the ribs. He fell off of Pink and she quickly grabbed his knife Red stood up. He reached for his gun but Pink was faster. Next thing any of them knew Red was stumbling back, knife sticking out of his chest. He gasped for breath as he clutched at his wound, and suddenly just like that he collapsed on the floor in a heap. Pink stood there, staring at the body. What had she done?

Pink slid into the large leather chair inside nav. She slipped the headphones over her head and played the most appropriate recording. I'm Coming Home by Dirty Money featuring Skylar Grey. She clicked on the screen DISTANCE TO MIRA 385,000 KM. "I'm coming home" she muttered touching the pendant of the Skeld dangling from her necklace.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 351
Reviews: 60

Donate
Wed Feb 03, 2021 2:52 am



@ChesTacos
I love the changes you made they are fantastic! The story flowed so smooth and the characters were developed perfectly and the story was way more clear and the twists worked very well. It really let me grow attached to the characters even in such a short story. your writing style is great and I think it worked really well this way instead of in script format. anyway I hpe you have a great day and keep on writing bye!




User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 351
Reviews: 60

Donate
Tue Feb 02, 2021 7:22 pm



@ChesTacos
I love the changes you made they are fantastic! The story flowed so smooth and the characters were developed perfectly and the story was way more clear and the twists worked very well. It really let me grow attached to the characters even in such a short story. your writing style is great and I think it worked really well this way instead of in script format. anyway I hpe you have a great day and keep on writing bye!




User avatar
34 Reviews


Points: 1668
Reviews: 34

Donate
Sun Jan 31, 2021 9:51 pm
View Likes
ChesTacos says...



@SpiritedWolfe @luminescence @Sunflowerdemon3712

Here's the edited version! What do you guys think? (I changed a lot)




User avatar
767 Reviews


Points: 26330
Reviews: 767

Donate
Sun Jan 31, 2021 4:04 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi ChesTacos!

I saw an Among Us themed story and was quite excited to read it :) So first of all, I feel like this story would lend itself better to a script than a short, since your emphasis is on the dialogue and what’s occurring there instead of the actions in between. You do include a couple of lines or narration, which you could edit into stage directions or you could cut them out completely and convey the same information through the dialogue.

The other thing that’s very important for this type of piece is to lean into the characterization. For instance, there is the relationship between Red and Pink which is suddenly revealed at the end, but you could easily play that up in the beginning by having some more gushy dialogue between the two. That would later heighten the tension as Red reveals their true nature. Giving some characters notable traits, especially the ones that will stay to the end, makes it much more engaging and also helps us, the readers, keep track of who is who, and could easier tell through dialogue rather than the random back and forth it is now. You’ve got a great start to characterization, like with Blue being young and new and Purple not hurting a fly, but play those up more! Dramatize them!

The other suggestion I have is to maybe leave the reveal to the end. I think you have some good hints, like White and Red stopping reactor before White dies, but I think it would be much more engaging to leave it a mystery for the read to also try and solve, before you pull the rug out from under us. You could include this through the different crewmate susses (like maybe Pink says “oh I thought saw Black messing with the lights!” Or something or maybe trying to subvert our expectations in that way.)

As it is now, I like that you’ve structured it with elements of the game, from them solving the emergencies, and having the other crewmates doing their tasks. It’s familiar and easy to understand!

Hope this helped if you decide to revisit this! Happy writing ^^
~ Wolfe




User avatar
218 Reviews


Points: 85
Reviews: 218

Donate
Sun Jan 31, 2021 12:08 am
View Likes
creaturefeature wrote a review...



'Ello, haven't reviewed in a long while, so take this lightly.

I rarely comment on this, but I'm not feeling this formatting choice. Looks more like a script than a short story to me, but of course, that can be debated as the writer's choice on the matter. Must say it does throw me far off when reading, though.

If you'd like to go for the script route of this, I think it'd work. This is mainly dialogue based, and scripts are also similar to that. Though you'd have to specify who is talking, as now I can't clearly decipher the characters. There must be characters in this, as there is some dialogue, yeah? Showing them never hurts anyone!

I also rarely comment on this. I'd suggest cutting back on using so many all-caps phrases; it takes away meaning from your writing. Yes, this might not be full of meanings hidden in every word, but it'd look a bit cleaner and be easier on the eyes.

Mark this for language too; I see that word, and even if it is a small thing, it's better to be careful and not risk any children seeing that.

- Lum




User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 351
Reviews: 60

Donate
Sat Jan 30, 2021 11:13 pm
Sunflowerdemon3712 wrote a review...



okay this was a fun story to read and I don't mean any of this to be rude but I do think that if had added some actions to it say like instead of just being.>
'"What? No-oh haha" "I'm not joking"'
it could have been "What? No-oh haha!"she says cracking a smile. Then pink see's red's face grow darker "I'm not joking" pinks smile fades and that's the moment she knew what was going on.".
I think it would add more depth to the story I also think that it was a bit fast passed it jumped around a lot like
"HOLY SHIT ALERT EVERYONE!!!"

"Alright where was the body Blue?"

and at first I was confused because I didn't have much context like I said more action would help because if you wrote it with blue hitting a report or running around the ship yelling it would have made a bit more sense.
But over all I liked the story it was fun and a great quick read! anyway I hope you have a great day bye! :)
.





And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.
— Bartimaeus of Uruk