Young Writers Society

Hi ShallowHouse,

Mailice here with a short review!

We have reached a point here where I am amazed to find that everything that has been written has remained in a gentle tone, and remains in memory for a while. You start with a very interesting cliché and move on to a metaphor that feels like you don't know where you're going yourself, like the main character.

This gives the reader a certain cluelessness while reading, which gives the whole story another positive push forward, which I find quite exciting especially because you actually do without a lot of descriptions outside the character spectrum. But I also think it's really good that you've taken the trouble to describe the characters not just with simple colours, but really with some adjectives. That's something you should keep, also for future stories.

I also liked the dialogues because in a way they reflected what was already described before in the story; a certain cluelessness. You just try to stay very mysterious in a lot of parts, and yet you open up some kinds of feelings, some sadder and some beautiful, that you don't directly address. I really like that here.

But most of all I like how everything feels like you're actually dreaming and the questioning towards the end, results in this feeling in me like you don't know exactly what's going on, like you want to take away the fear of something.

In summary, a really beautiful story, beautifully told and constructed.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hello, RandomTalks here for a short review!

This is such an interesting story. The title gave me an idea of what the story might be about, so I had all these thoughts in my head when I first started reading this story. Except, I forgot all that before I even reached the end of the first paragraph.

' "Hello? Is anyone there?"

Everything was dark. I talked to the abyss until my throat went sore and only the echoes of my voice replied to me. When I started walking, the wailing of a baby reached my ears and I searched for the source. At the end, there was a white door that stood but had no walls. It permeated a hint of lavender and milk. I turned the doorknob and found a woman cradling a baby on a train. Her eyes were dark and her skin was like copper. She bore a smile that emitted a certain warmth that only a fellow mother would know. My gaze went down from her face and onto her child who was softly asleep.'

This was a killer beginning. It pulled me into the story and made me go on until the end. Your descriptions are so simple, yet you create the scenes and the emotions so concisely. There's a different kind of allure to your words.

I loved the way the character was so clueless about everything that was happening. We got to discover and experience it with her. I did not understand the bit with the teenage boys and the cash, but maybe that's just on me. Everything else, was just perfect. The environment you created with your words, the feeling of hopelessness and all that confusion - it was to the point.

The only nitpick I have here is,

' "On my way where?" I was still enamored that I leaned on the doors to see a wider view.'

Here, the word 'still' and 'that' does not really work in succession. Maybe you could change it to, "I was so enamored that I leaned on the doors to see a wider view."

This was a really great story, I just wish it didn't have to be a dream. You created this entire scene, the characters and their feelings; and to know that none of it was real was a disappointment. Otherwise, this was awesome!

Keep writing!

Hey Shall, it's been a while since I've read your work. It's always something, isn't it? I sure loved it. It was pleasant.

Everything you've written, every word you've used. It's just all so simple, but the way you've built it, it feels so animating and special. Especially the first part of this, you know?

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

Everything was dark. I talked to the abyss until my throat went sore and only the echoes of my voice replied to me. When I started walking, the wailing of a baby reached my ears and I searched for the source. At the end, there was a white door that stood but had no walls. It permeated a hint of lavender and milk. I turned the doorknob and found a woman cradling a baby on a train. Her eyes were dark and her skin was like copper. She bore a smile that emitted a certain warmth that only a fellow mother would know. My gaze went down from her face and onto her child who was softly asleep.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

Everything was dark. I talked to the abyss until my throat went sore and only the echoes of my voice replied to me.

hi it's legolas

and wow no mistakes and it was pretty nice !really and i enjoyed the story i like short story's and it was nice i liked how you wrote it and no mistakes !

Hi, first and foremost I want to say that above all I enjoyed the story. In almost every aspect from setting to character it was interesting and thought-provoking, and (at least for me) leaves the reader thinking about some of what was left unanswered. I also have some comments and critiques on certain parts that you can take if you want.

"I was still stunned so I didn't turn to face her." The sentences leading up to this imply that she was already facing or looking at the mother, and didn't seem to add up in my opinion.

"[...] But the mother's eyes were swollen and red and tired." The use of and twice makes the end of this phrase a bit choppy, I'd recommend a comma or "swollen red."

That's it really, nothing with the actual story or anything, just things to do with wording and such. Otherwise it was a good read and thanks for writing it.

Hi ShallowHouse ! Traves here for a quick review.

Straight of the bat, the descriptions made me slow down a bit and construct the scene in my head as it changed. If they were tacky or poorly designed that would be bad, but I think the ones you used are the strongest parts of this work, and I enjoyed them. There was a surreal, psychedelic feel to it, especially in the beginning. It later became, more dream-like.

You seem proficient at pacing too, and how punctuation, paragraph size and dialogue modify it.Talking of the dialogue and the plot till before the end, they are all pretty much consistent and prop each other up, so no issues on that part at all. It meshed together really well as one scene melted into another yet I had a clear image as to what was happening and who was where, without much direct telling involved.

I do think that the ending "it was all a dream" was a cliched deus ex machina. You set everything up, made me intrigued about the MC and worried about the mother and her child, and then, it felt like it was all for nothing. Why did you not build upon a plot and go the conflict/resolution way? I was hoping for more meaning to be read into the sudden destruction and revival of the mother-child pair's vitality, but for now what I gathered was that they were approaching the ghastly end of this re-enactment. Probably more from the boys too, given their uncharacteristic good nature.

To me, this feels like the beginning of story, the set-up for the grand reveal. It was intriguing and had me hooked, I read straight to the end. The end left me wanting more though.

Keep writing and sharing!