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Young Writers Society


12+

Slave Girl: Chapter 2.2

by Shadeflame


The guard stared blankly after me for a few seconds, then shouted an alarm and rushed to intercept me. I ducked past his outstretched arms, past the well dressed man who had turned back at the shout, and ran blindly down the grey stone hall.

At the end of the hallway, there was a choice between two passages. Choosing wildly, I ran down the left one, hoping that would lead to freedom. The strain on my muscles was almost unbearable, after the three weeks of almost inaction in my cell and I quickly felt myself flagging. The heavier thuds of my jailers’ footsteps were approaching quickly, and I strained myself as hard as I could.

Run faster! Run faster! It was my constant mantra, what I had to do to survive this horrible situation.

At the end of the hallway, there was another door with warm, golden rays of sunlight streaming through the bars. I slammed myself into it and stumbled back with my hands clasped around the smooth handle.

The door wouldn't budge.

I collapsed on the rough floor, my chest heaving, and my will to fight gone. My only chance of survival had been to make it out, or to stay in my cell like a good little girl.

As I was roughly manhandled back to my feet, I slumped as the well dressed man walked calmly in my direction. Thoughts of the tortures they put disobedient slaves through filled my mind as he strode towards me, a carefully practiced expression of disinterest showing on his lined face.

“Well, well, well,” he sneered, his eyes betraying his distaste for me. “Look at this! The little girl’s got some fight still in her! I guess the isolation wasn’t enough to break her. And you!” he turned on my jailer, lunging forwards. “You couldn’t even control her for thirty seconds.”

The other man shrank backwards at the accusation.

“I’m sorry s-sir! “he mumbled, staring at his feet. “She’s awful fast sir, and I didn’t see her coming and I didn’t know she’d run and…”

“Shut up! No one wants to hear your excuses. Your services here are no longer required and I expect you to have given your resignation by tomorrow.”

“What? But sir! Why?” the man pleaded. “Please! Please! I have so many debts! How am I supposed to support myself now?”

The well dressed man raised an eyebrow. “Well, that’s your problem now, isn’t it? Now I despise people who beg, so leave my presence immediately unless you desire your god-forsaken life to end prematurely.”

My guard turned to leave, letting go of my arm. I stayed where I was, too exhausted to try to run. Besides, what was the point? These were grown men, not the boys I used to race through the village square. Before, surprise was on my side, but now? Now they would be expecting me to try to escape.

He sullenly walked away, but spun around halfway down the hall.

“But what about her?” he gestured to me before turning his attention back to the well dressed man. “Don’t you need help with her?”

“Honestly? You think that I would trust you to take her outside?” he sneered. “She’s half starved, and she still escaped from you! I really don’t need your help in dealing with this slave.”

The guard shrank back with every word. “I’m really sorry sir. I’ll just be going now…” He stumbled backwards for a few steps, his brown eyes still locked on the well dressed man’s cold blue ones, then turned and almost scrambled away from them. As he walked away, I stood before the well dressed man.

The guard wasn’t much, but at least before I wasn’t alone in front of this calculating man, who seemed to radiate authority. He gazed at me, and I forced myself to look up. Meeting his stare, I tried to look confident, but my subtly trembling limbs betrayed me. What would he do to me, this man of ice? What torments could I expect from him?

To my surprise, he chuckled. “Oh sweetheart, don’t worry. I won’t hurt you. I almost admire your determination to escape. I really did think that we had broken you back there in your cell. You’re a good little actress.” His eyes narrowed as he stared at my dirt covered face. “I’d watch out if I were you, little girl. I let it go this time, but others might not be as forgiving as I am.”

Grabbing my arm, he walked me down the hallway, his footsteps echoing ominously. We passed the passageway which would have taken us back to my cell and proceeded onward. I tried to keep up with his brisk pace, but the rough gritty floor tore open my feet even more, and I found myself stumbling. He seemed to take delight in my struggles and walked even faster, almost dragging me behind him, until I had to jog to keep up with his swift strides. There was no point in pleading with him to stop, so I gritted my teeth and continued, each step agony for me. 

Finally, we reached an inconspicuous looking door, no different from any other the numerous others we had passed by. He pushed it open and stepped in, still gripping my arm. The grimy walls were covered by a sickly green wallpaper, which was peeling in spots. A desk sat in one of the corners, almost obscured by mounds of paper and a single window behind it barely managed to illuminate the contents of this dismal room. He slammed the door behind us, causing a man sitting at the desk to jerk upright. “Wha? Who’s there?” he sleepily mumbled, and then, seeing us, tried to look attentive. "Sir? What do you require?" 

The well dressed man heaved a long suffering sigh. "I am surrounded by fools and idiots! It's a wonder you manage to keep any prisoners here." He stepped closer to the man at the desk, who leaned back, startled. 

"I've come to collect this girl here. I require a manacle for her."

"But si-"

"Give it!" he roared, causing both the man at the desk and I to shrink back in fear. The man at the desk leaped out of his seat and scurried to a wall that had multiple sets of chains hanging from it. He collected a set, and crossing over in front of me, proceeded to offer them to the well dressed man. 

"Not for me you idiot!" he spat, motioning to me. "For her!" 

The man muttered his apologies and went to work roughly fastening the manacle onto my wrists. I flinched as the sound of the metal locking together rang through the air. This made it final. I was a slave. After locking it, he presented the key and the end of the chain to the well dressed man, who snatched roughly out of his hand. He dragged me after him as he strode forwards, only stopping to unlock the door on the other side of the room. Pushing it open, he stepped through and I winced as the bright sunlight hit my eyes in the first time in weeks. 


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Fri Jun 12, 2020 7:39 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (whichever one it is for when you read this),

So fourth part and final part,

First Impression: Pretty exciting, nice bit of excitement.

And on with it,

As I was roughly manhandled back to my feet, I slumped as the well dressed man walked calmly in my direction.(repeating the "as" comes off a bit weird) Thoughts of the tortures (that) they put disobedient slaves through filled my mind as he strode towards me, a carefully practiced expression of disinterest showing on his lined face.

“Well, well, well,” he sneered, his eyes betraying his distaste for me. “Look at this! The little girl’s got some fight still in her! I guess the isolation wasn’t enough to break her. And you!” he turned on my jailer, lunging (that doesn't sound right. Lunging would be like diving right at the dude) forwards. “You couldn’t even control her for thirty seconds.”

“Shut up! No one wants to hear your excuses. Your services here are no longer required and I expect you to have given your resignation by tomorrow.”

Character development detected.

“But what about her?” he gestured to me before turning his attention back to the well dressed man. “Don’t you need help with her?” (I think someone already mentioned but this does seem a tad rude from someone who was begging in the previous line)

To my surprise, he chuckled. “Oh sweetheart, don’t worry. I won’t hurt you. I almost admire your determination to escape. I really did think that we had broken you back there in your cell. You’re a good little actress.” His eyes narrowed as he stared at my dirt covered face. “I’d watch out if I were you, little girl. I let it go this time, but others might not be as forgiving as I am.”

I like that. He seems to be a more complex person that just the standard "I'm the bad guy and I'm evil"


The grimy walls were covered by a sickly green wallpaper, which was peeling in spots. A desk sat in one of the corners, almost obscured by mounds of paper and a(the) single window behind it barely managed to illuminate the contents of this dismal room. He slammed the door behind us, causing a man sitting at the desk to jerk upright. “Wha? Who’s there?” he sleepily mumbled, and then, seeing us(I think that's implied so you don't have to mention it), tried to look attentive. "Sir? What do you require?"

"Not for me you idiot!" he spat, motioning to me. "For her!"

That seemed a little uncalled for. He was the one who asked. But then he just might be that kind of guy.

The man muttered his apologies and went to work roughly fastening the manacle onto my wrists. I flinched as the sound of the metal locking together rang through the air. This made it final. I was a slave. After locking it, he presented the key and the end of the chain to the well dressed man, who snatched roughly out of his hand. He dragged me after him as he strode forwards, only stopping to unlock the door on the other side of the room. Pushing it open, he stepped through and I winced as the bright sunlight hit my eyes in the first time in weeks.

Here maybe express a tad bit more feelings of our protagonist but otherwise another intriguing ending.

And that's it for that,

Overall it is well written like all the other chapters and the story has me well and truly hooked. I like the way this is going. The protagonist is so far as realistic as it can get with something like this.

I'd love to read more. Could you tag me when the next chapter comes out?

I'm taking a slight break but I'll go review all the chapters from your other story too. That's the one that drew me to your writing in the first place.

Anyway

Stay Safe :)
Harry




Shadeflame says...


I will definitely tag you and thanks for reviewing all my work!



KateHardy says...


Your Welcome. They were all really good.



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Sat Jun 06, 2020 6:17 pm
kattee wrote a review...



Hello, Shade!

I've read something that has a similar plot to this, but don't worry, no story can be completely different. In fact, it's what makes it mundane. What's important is that you incorporate a unique concept to this story. I understand that this is just the second chapter, but I just wanted to remind you.

First of all, I like Laela's character. She's not the typical (overused) badass woman the media is always trying to portray. I'm starting to get irritated by those because it's saying that to be this cool woman, you must act like a man. Meanwhile, she's borderline masculine and feminine. Although she hangs out with a lot of boys, -- which influenced her masculine attributes -- she didn't turn away from her feminine side. She's still curious about what it feels like to be a feminine girl: to wear dresses and etc.

I got a bit worried because she was reckless (yet brave), mature, observant, and a strong-willed protagonist: ingredients that concoct this ideal heroine (a flat character). However, in the story, you gave her faults and weaknesses that makes her human, such as having a difficult time expressing herself (especially when under pressure) and the mannerism of clenching her fist so that the pain conceals her emotions. You've also given her habits like curling herself up into a ball and this obsession with the sun that makes her more human. Okay, but I think the obsession with the sun is a bit strange? She always describes it, complains how 'scorching' it is, and looks for it.

Now, I'm going to focus my critiques/analysis on this chapter.

I'll start with the dialogues because they are really important. They show a part of the characters' personality and this makes them much more believable and realistic.


“What? But sir! Why?” the man pleaded. “Please! Please! I have so many debts! How am I supposed to support myself now?”


I couldn't imagine a grown man trying to say these words, especially the word "Please! Please!" Usually, I'd hear this from kids that are begging their mom to buy them candy.

“But what about her?” he gestured to me before turning his attention back to the well dressed man. “Don’t you need help with her?”


In this dialogue, I think he should address the well-dressed man with formalities (Sir or Mr.). He has great fear and respect for the man and the "don't you need help with her?" also sounds a bit disrespectful. He's trying to assert that he's valuable to the well-dressed man just because he can 'help.' You can either paraphrase this or add a dialogue word that can describe his tone. Perhaps, whispered? Mumbled? Stuttered?

Next, the word choice and a few phrases:

“Honestly? You think that I would trust you to take her outside?” he sneered. “She’s half starved, and she still escaped from you! I really don’t need your help in dealing with this slave.”


This is a dialogue but my only concern is the word "honestly?" I suggest removing it. We often say this when we're asking permission, especially when we don't want to offend someone. I think it's inappropriate because the well-dressed man is condescending.

I ducked past his outstretched arms, past the well dressed man who had turned back at the shout, and ran blindly down the grey stone hall.


I think that the phrase "who had turned back at the shout" is unnecessary. She was desperately trying to escape so I don't think she would notice these kinds of details. She wouldn't see this happen at all because she's already darting away from them.

Also, the readers can just assume it from the sentence "As I was roughly manhandled back to my feet, I slumped as the well dressed man walked calmly in my direction."

Run faster! Run faster! It was my constant mantra, what I had to do to survive this horrible situation.


I think it's a bit of an exaggeration when you wrote "what I had to do to survive..." I mean, she was just running. She wasn't doing anything illegal or out of the norm.

I slammed myself into it and stumbled back with my hands clasped around the smooth handle.


I suggest choosing between "slammed" and "stumbled." There was too much action in the sentence and when you choose one, the reader can just assume that the other thing also happened.

As I was roughly manhandled back to my feet, I slumped as the well dressed man walked calmly in my direction.


You should divide this into two sentences because you have two dependent clauses here.

Thoughts of the tortures they put disobedient slaves through filled my mind as he strode towards me, a carefully practiced expression of disinterest showing on his lined face.


One of Laela's most obvious character traits is being observant. Though, in "a carefully practiced expression of disinterest showing on his lined face." seems a bit inappropriate. She's in a position where she lost all hope of escaping, plus the idea that she'll be tortured haunted her. She must have felt too much fear during that time. I don't think she would notice that his face showed an expression of "disinterest," especially discern that it is a practiced/fake one. I think you should focus more on what she was feeling that time. Was her whole body or just hands trembling? Is she dizzy? Panicking?

And I know that it would come with paraphrasing the next paragraph's "his eyes betraying his distaste for me," but I also don't think he has any reason to conceal any emotions here? You've only introduced the well-dressed man in chapter two and, so far, I see him as this very open guy. When he's disgusted, angry, irritated, he shows it. The dialogue “Look at this! The little girl’s got some fight still in her! I guess the isolation wasn’t enough to break her." also hints that he has no intention of hiding his admiration.

he turned on my jailer, lunging forwards. “You couldn’t even control her for thirty seconds.”


The well-dressed man wanted to come off intimidating in this part, but the word "lunging" (I don't mean to be rude, I'm so sorry) kind of ruins it? I checked the meaning of the word "lunging" and also saw pictures that exemplifies the action and him "lunging" is kind of weird? (was I too harsh? I'm sorry again). I just realised that I butchered this paragraph. I didn't mean to :(

He stumbled backwards for a few steps, his brown eyes still locked on the well dressed man’s cold blue ones, then turned and almost scrambled away from them.


This has a similar problem to the prior quote. The word "scrambled" means "make one's way quickly or awkwardly up a steep slope or over rough ground by using one's hands as well as one's feet," which is also inappropriate because they're in an even ground.

And is this nitpicking? If so, please ignore it. "He stumbled backwards for a few steps," should be "He stumbled a few steps backwards."

What would he do to me, this man of ice? What torments could I expect from him?

I wouldn't describe the well-dressed man as a "man of ice." He is harsh but he isn't cold. He's a very expressive man; he shows a lot of exclamation and contempt. Additionally, his words "Come on. Up! Up!" in chapter 2.1, alongside his mannerism of snapping his fingers, reminds me of the Grandmaster in Thor: Ragnarok (which is the opposite of a cold person).

Grabbing my arm, he walked me down the hallway, his footsteps echoing ominously


I just wanted to clarify but they didn't come across any stairs, right? There was no ditch or basement. If so, how did the well-dressed man walk her down? Did you mean walk her through?

Finally, we reached an inconspicuous looking door, no different from any other the numerous others we had passed by.


I think the phrase, "no different from any other the numerous others we had passed by." has a typo. Do you mean "No different from any other doors we had passed by"? But, even with that, it's best if you remove that phrase altogether because it is a bit redundant. The word "inconspicuous" had already said enough.

The well dressed man heaved a long suffering sigh.


You used the word "suffering" as an adjective when it can only be a noun or a verb if it's in its base form.


He dragged me after him as he strode forwards, only stopping to unlock the door on the other side of the room.


You should remove the word "after him" so that it would have a better flow of thought.

I almost admire your determination to escape.


I don't think it's possible to "almost" admire someone. It's kind of an all or nothing verb.

You also like using the same words inside one paragraph or in one to two sentences.

Again,

“Well, that’s your problem now, isn’t it? Now I despise people who beg, so leave


Before, surprise was on my side, but now? Now they would be expecting me to try to escape.


The man muttered his apologies and went to work roughly fastening the manacle onto my wrists. After locking it, he presented the key and the end of the chain to the well dressed man, who snatched roughly out of his hand.


Perhaps, this is your style but I just wanted to point it out in case you aren't aware.

Lastly, I'd like to point out a few (very minor) grammar errors:

then shouted an alarm and rushed to intercept me.


I think you mean, "shouted in alarm." The use of "an" states that he has some kind of device with him or inside him.

I stayed where I was, too exhausted to try to run.


This isn't a grammar error, but instead of using "to try to run" because there's a lot of "to's" you can just say "to try running."

I let it go this time, but others might not be as forgiving as I am.”


"I let it go" to "I'll let it go" or "I will let it go"

There was no point in pleading with him to stop, so I gritted my teeth and continued, each step agony for me.


From "each step agony for me" to "each step is an agony for me" or "each step is filled with agony."

That's about it! I know you can discern the others. I love your writing! I researched the name Raina (the goddess of wisdom) because I'm only familiar with Athena, and I learned that there was no myth about her. Based on that, I'm assuming that you've created a new world. That's going to be difficult but I know you can do it! Keep on writing:)

SENDING LOVE, Kattee



Come by Katteelog if you want more sweet reviews <3.




kattee says...


When you requested a review for this, it may have benefited me more than you. I've always wanted to read a novel here, but couldn't decide on what. There may be a lot of novels here, but they are quite intimidating to read because there are about 20 chapters already. So thank you! Tag me when you update any of your novels!



Shadeflame says...


Thank you for reading this and reviewing. I really appreciate it. I'll try to fix some of the errors. Don't worry, you weren't too harsh.



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Sat Jun 06, 2020 3:30 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey there Shadeflame! I’m pretty sure I reviewed an earlier chapter of this (it is very familiar, but I could be mistaken) and I saw it in the Green Room and decided to give it a review!

I loved the action in this chapter; the brief sense of hope that maybe, the girl will escape! And then when she gets captured and is forced to be dragged back (her feet against the floor... ugh! I can’t imagine), it balances out that hope with a sense of dread and hopelessness.

Towards the end of the chapter, I wish we got a little bit more in the girl’s head. The description was very observatory, but I’m wondering how she felt in that moment; scared, hopeful, defeated?

I like the last line of the chapter. For one, it makes me curious about where she’s going/being taken to (back to her cell or...?). It also gives me feelings mixed of previous ones in the chapter- I don’t know whether or not to feel hopeful or hopeless. It really makes me curious. However, I did find that the last paragraph of the chapter felt a little... rushed maybe? I feel like a lot went down, but maybe if you implemented a few emotional descriptions like I said above, that could break it up just a little. For example, when the man is fastening the manacle around her, there could be a little description of the girl’s heart squeezing as it clasped around her wrist (or whatever you want).

Those are my thoughts for this chapter! I can tell themes of freedom/justice/hope are likely very strong in this story. I hope this review helped, and happy Team Tortoise-ing :)

Peace,
~EternalRain




Shadeflame says...


Thanks for reviewing this EternalRain!



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Wed Jun 03, 2020 4:46 pm
thepages wrote a review...



hi, @Shadeflame, i was skimming by when i noticed the notification, tagging really comes in handy...
i really like this series, today's chapter has been as thrilling as usual. now i want to find out what's with the well dressed man.
i've liked this piece the way it is, great work...waitin on the next chapters.




Shadeflame says...


Thanks for the review! :D



thepages says...


it was more of a comment but couldn't let the 50points go unattended...lol



thepages says...


it was more of a comment but couldn't let the 50points go unattended...lol



thepages says...


it was more of a comment but couldn't let the 50points go unattended...lol



thepages says...


it was more of a comment but couldn't let the 50points go unattended...lol



Shadeflame says...


Lol. No I get it.




she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
— r.m. drake