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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Wish I Was Home ~ Chapter 2, Part 2 ~ Houston, We Have Landed

by looseleaf


Chapter Two ~ We Have Landed ~ Part 2

I finish making my bed and set my pillow down. I sit on the end of it and call Kathryn.

“What’s up?” She asks.

“Just arrived at my Aunt and Uncle’s.” I say. “You?”

“Victoria and I just ordered some breakfast.” Victoria was her younger sister. Like, way younger sister. Victoria is seven and Kathryn is seventeen.

“What kind?”

"Pancakes. I don't mind it, but she loves it." Eva finishes putting her pillow case on and climbs down the ladder. "How's London?"

"Awful, horrible, terrible. The worst thing that's ever happened to me."

"Quinn, please."

"What? I'm being serious!"

"I would kill to go to Europe! You're so lucky!"

"Maybe you would consider it lucky, but I don't."

"You're just a debbie downer, Quinn."

"Quinn!! Come down from there!!" Dad yells.

"I've got to go, I'll call you later?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Bye Kathryn!"

"I'm coming!" I shout, putting my phone on the window sill. I stand up and climb down the ladder. I turn left, go down the stairs, and into the family room.

"Hey Darling!" Dad says, sipping his beer.

"Hi." I reply.

"What are you most excited to do?" Uncle Williams asks.

"Well, Big Ben's closed, so probably Buckingham Palace." I sit in the armchair next to the couch. Soccer's on the TV.

"Yeah, you guys came at the wrong time." Uncle WIlliams gets up to make himself another martini.

"That's what I said!" I say.

"Quinn, be quiet." Dad whispers to me.

"Hm. What do you want to do for lunch?" Uncle Williams says.

"Nothing heavy." Dad sets his beer down on the counter. "Maybe fish?"

"Not fish! I hate fish!" Eva pipes up from the other room.

"Do you have any rootbeer?" I ask. I realize I haven't had anything to drink since last night.

"Rootbeer?" Uncle Williams says. "I don't think we have that here."

"No rootbeer? What about Coke?" I say, shocked. How do they not have the best drink known to man?

"In the fridge." Uncle Williams says, then turns to dad. "So, how's being a chemist treating you?"

I walk through the dining room, where Mom, Eva, and Aunt Williams are talking, to get to the kitchen. I overhear Eva talking about the medal she received for being the best player on her lacrosse team. Aunt Williams congratulates her and starts asking questions. I walk into the kitchen and open the refrigerator. The fridge is filled with fruits and vegetables. I stare at it for ten minutes straight without finding any soda. I walk back to the living room and check the bar. Of course the Coke was stashed there.

"So, what are we doing this month?" I ask, sitting back in the armchair.

"Some touristy things." Dad says, "Maybe a trip out into the countryside."

"What's the point of that?" I really didn't want to go out into the country.

"You have some old relatives that are buried there." Uncle Williams explains.

"So dead people who have been dead for centuries?" I say.

"Be respectful!" Uncle William snaps.

“Quinn, shut your mouth!`” Dad yells.

I look down at my lap. I hate being yelled at by my dad. After all, he’s my favorite parent.

“I’m going outside.” I say. I stand up and walk through the dining room and kitchen to reach the patio. I sit down on the lounge chair and stare into the sky. It’s cloudy, but the clouds aren’t huge.

"Those clouds will be over the ocean soon." I think out loud. "Then to New York, where I should be."

"I doubt they'll make it as far as New York." A voice comes from over the fence.

I jump up off the couch, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know anyone else was outside!"

"It's fine." A boy's head pops up behind the fence. "Hey... you're not my neighbor."

"I'm Quinn. I'm Mrs. Williams niece."

"Nice to meet you, Quinn. I'm Philip." He stretches his hand over the fence for me to shake. I have to stand on the tips of my toes to reach his hand, but I shake it. "Where are you from?"

"Brooklyn, New York. We're visiting for a month." I back away from the fence so I can see his face. His brown hair is done up like he’s from the 1950s. He has dark blue eyes that remind me of the ocean and his cheeks are tinted pink.

"A month? Isn't that a bit much?"

"That's what I think! But, apparently, my opinion doesn't matter."

"Hm. When did you get here?"

"This morning. How old are you, anyways? I'm seventeen. "

"Same! I'll finally have someone in my neighborhood to talk to."

I chuckle, "Are there no other teens here?"

"Unless you count my crazy ex-girlfriend!"

"Yeah, you probably don't want to talk to her."

“I really don’t.” Philip turns around and looks at his house. “I have to go inside. I’ll talk to you later.”“Maybe.”Philip’s head disappears from above the fence and I hear a door open on the other side. It shuts and I sit back down on the chair. I sit outside for another thirty minutes, until it starts raining, and then mom calls me in.

“Quinn! Come inside, you don’t want to catch a cold!” Mom yells at me from behind the screened door.

“I’m coming.” I stand up and stretch, then walk towards the door.



Mom opens the door for me, “Why were you outside so long?”

“Oh, no reason.”


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Thu Sep 23, 2021 11:30 am
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I think Quinn is the most moody teenager we have come across in this story. Even her friends seem excited by the idea of visiting London, I do not get why she is being so difficult about it. It is like she has made it the mission of her life to hate everything about London, she is not even going to give it a chance. I am sure she would like it if she opened herself up to new experiences. But it feels like she is adamant on being stubborn and sulking throughout the trip. I honestly find it a little difficult to sympathize with her.

You had painted a really vivid picture of their aunt's family in the previous chapter, what with her being a dug addict and all. But until now, we have not really anything to support that story. They feel like pretty good people and are trying to make them as comfortable as possible. I don't know if I can say the same for the twins as we have yet to see them in action. BUt the aunt and uncle are nice.

I honestly felt a little bad for them when Quinn made that comment about dead people. It was extremely arrogant of her especially considering that these 'dead people' are her relatives and distant family members. I do not understand why she said that and how she could sulk at her father for yelling at her afterwards.

So we meet the neighbor in this chapter. Philip seems like a good guy, gentle and sensible. I found it a little strange how abruptly he ended the conversation and went back inside. Makes me feel that something is up with his family maybe. Anyways, he seems like a nice addition to the story and if he can get Quinn to stop sulking about London, then maybe they might form some sort of friendship and Quinn can actually enjoy her vacation.

One thing I noticed is that you often put your dialogues next to one another which makes the text feel a little constricted and cramped. You should separate the dialogues of each individual in a new paragraph. That is the correct format.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!




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Mon Mar 02, 2020 5:01 am
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Tawsif wrote a review...



I feel sorry for uncle William. I don't see anything bad about him, and still Quinn is always so mean to him.
I like this, the way it's going. Just a few suggestions.
"What are you most excited to do?"
I think you can reword this dialogue. It reads a bit awkward a bit to me. Maybe you can simply say "Where are you planning to go?
"You have some old relatives that are buried there." You should replace the 'that' here with 'who', since you're referring to people.
"Those clouds will be over the ocean soon." I think out loud. "Then to New York, where I should be." If you're already mentioning here that you're thinking aloud, then the surprise isn't there for the readers. Maybe you can just write the dialogue without saying she thought it out loud, and then when Philip comes in and talks, you can write that she just realized at that moment that she was talking to herself too loud. This could be more interesting.
Nothing much happened in this part, though Philip came in here. Maybe he'll be be someone special in this novel. Let's see.




looseleaf says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sat Jan 11, 2020 8:57 pm
tgham99 wrote a review...



Love reading your chapters so I'm popping in for another review :)

I feel like you did a lot better in terms of details and exposition with this installment. There was a good amount of dialogue, but you added a lot of context and background actions/behavior that help bring it to life a little bit more.

The introduction of a new character was also interesting, and not something that I had anticipated -- I'm definitely excited to see where the story goes with these two! I know Quinn and Philip only had a brief interaction, but I would have loved to get a little bit more detail on what Philip's appearance is in the eyes of Quinn. Does she think he's handsome? Does she get a certain vibe from him?

I won't go through and point out anything about grammar since @-BlackThorne- did such a great job with that, so I'll just end this review with a positive note. I'm very much enjoying the chapters you've released thus far and I'm glad to see you're improving a little bit more with each one. Great job and tag me when the next one comes out!!




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Sat Jan 11, 2020 4:59 pm
BlackThorne wrote a review...



1.

"Pancakes. I don't mind it, but she loves it."

"it" should be "them" because "pancakes" is plural.

2.
"Do you have any rootbeer?"

as far as I've seen it, root beer is spelled as two words. given this persists, I feel I should ask if this is a regional thing?

3.
"So, how's being a chemist treating you?"

"being a chemist" is a bit of an awkward phrase to refer to in that particular idiom. some rephrasing should be in order.
Example #1 :
"So, how is it being a chemist?"

Example #2 :
"So, how's the chemist life treating you?


4.
The fridge is filled with fruits and vegetables. I stare at it for ten minutes straight without finding any soda.

I don't know about you, but that I don't usually search for things in the fridge by staring for ten minutes. Maybe a brief description of more effective searching would be better.
Example:
It looked like there was mostly just produce. I scanned over the vegetables, hoping the soda was maybe hidden somewhere, but to no avail.


5.
Of course the Coke was stashed there.

Maybe it's because I haven't read the previous chapters, but the "of course" seems kind of random and seems to imply that there's a special reason that isn't really explained, that is, from what I've read. If you meant just to make it seem like that was the obvious place to look, "of course" might not be the best for connotative reasons.
Example:
I probably should've looked there first.


6.
It’s cloudy, but the clouds aren’t huge.

"but not that cloudy" would sound more rhythmic.

7.
there's also this recurring grammatical issue where you don't break apart you dialogue lines. incorrect:
“Why were you outside so long?”“Oh, no reason.”

correct:
"Why were you outside so long?"
"Oh, no reason."

as well as being the standard way for formatting dialogue, this also makes it more readable.




looseleaf says...


Thanks for the review! I appreciate it!


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BlackThorne says...


no problem! :)




I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King