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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

A Spirit's Revenge

by niteowl


One year later,
it is Halloween again,
and you wear a horror-movie mask
covered in fake blood this time,
drinking ghastly cocktails and chatting up
my old friend in the sexy nurse costume.

Five years later,
you've escaped the autumn chill
on your honeymoon with the sexy nurse.
but don't think for a second
that you can escape my memory.

Ten years later,
your suburban lawn
is covered with decorations
to delight the neighbors.
Your wife wears a witch costume
to hide her growing belly
like you hide our secret.

Fifteen years later,
my face is plastered on TV
because a hiker found my bones.
You tell your wife to shut it off
and close your door to trick-or-treaters.
I scream your name and wonder
if you can still hear me.

Twenty years later,
my mother wails in a courtroom
as the jury reads the verdict.
Your wife can't even cry
as you're led away in handcuffs.
She believes in ghosts now.

Fifty years later,
you're a rotting jack-o-lantern
in a tiny cell, alone in the dark
when your heart stops
and the gates to my world open.
"He's all yours," the devil says,
and I smile for the first time in decades,
for it's my turn to make you scream.

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621 Reviews

Points: 4984
Reviews: 621

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Sun Oct 28, 2018 11:32 pm
Rook wrote a review...



Hello!

This was a chilling little poem!

You definitely set up a really uneasy tone with the sort of foreshadowing like:

covered in fake blood this time,
(this one was really subtle, and I like how it could be read two ways, either last year it wasn't covered in any blood or last year it was covered in real blood, and I love that it ended up being the second)

but don't think for a second
that you can escape my memory.
(with this one I was thinking, wait, is this love? what's happening? But it sounded so sinister so!)

to hide her growing belly
like you hide our secret.
(The inclusion of pregnancy in the line right before this makes this 100x creepier.

I scream your name and wonder
if you can still hear me.
(At this point the reader has already figured it out, but I thought I'd include it here too)

So like, all this foreshadowing stuff is really good at setting the tone. I almost wonder if it's too obvious? at the same time though, I was wondering if the narrator and this guy were lovers, not really killer/victim? I was wondering if the narrator was actually the abusive one and the guy was honestly just trying to live his best life. But that's the thing! their roles switched, and that so interesting.
I really want to say that I didn't like it or something was throwing me off, but even that is a good thing for this subject matter. Everything's all wonky and screwy and it's actually kinda great!

because she believes in ghosts now.
I love this line. I kind of wish that it had more impact? Like maybe if you delete "because" and just make it its own sentence, that would really put some force behind it.

you're a rotting jack-o-lantern
This image kind of came out of nowhere, but I also kind of love it.

"He's all yours," the devil says,
This also kind of came out of nowhere in a bad way for me. It took me rereading like four times to realize he actually died. The lines about the heart betraying were a little too subtle for me I guess. I was about to ask why the devil had the narrator wait for so long before she could torture him in his cell, and then I asked myself, wait, did he die? and THAT'S when I read the part about the heart with more understanding.

Anyway, this was a really simple review, and I'm really conflicted on some things, but honestly, in the end, I think everything worked out how it should for this poem, I just would like it to be a bit clearer that he died at the end.

Also, I bet you could come up with a better title? I probably couldn't, but I bet there's one out there. The current one is kinda meh, tbh.

Anyway, I hope this helps you!

Keep writing, great Halloween poem.

~fortis




niteowl says...


Thanks for the review! I did change the title, though I don't know if it fits exactly. I also edited that last stanza. Now I think it's more clear that he died, but I don't know if it actually sounds that good.

To clarify, the story is supposed to be about a dead girl who died at the hands of a boyfriend on Halloween, so it sounds like you picked up on their relationship but were still confused. I'm not sure how to make that less confusing.



Rook says...


oh I knew that's what it was about. I thought it was pretty clear haha sorry if I didn't make /myself/ clear that I understood it.
I like the title and last stanza much better now! Great job :)



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34 Reviews

Points: 54
Reviews: 34

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Fri Oct 26, 2018 12:31 am
ThatOneGuy2002 wrote a review...



Wow. That is a niiiice murder story, just out of curiousity, what is the backstory to this(if such a story exists)? Also, it fits pretty well so you might not take this peice of advice, but i almost feel a bit like there should be a little peice of story behind the first year later, such as possibly a symbolism for a victim who dies, or such. All in all however, wonderfull poem, i really enjoyed it and look foward to more in the future. :3




niteowl says...


Thanks! Yeah there isn%u2019t really a backstory. I was thinking about a Halloween themed poem and I had the idea of a ghost that could only come back on Halloween and see her murderer moving on with his life and this was the result. I could start it off with an actual description of the murder, but I thought that would throw off the flow of the piece so I kind of hinted at it. It could work though...maybe I could start with %u201CFifty years ago...%u201D and move to %u201Cnow%u201D where he dies and she finally gets her revenge. Thanks! :)





Np, i figured as much, the flow is pretty good as it is, but if you think you can better it, go for it.




You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.
— Stephen King