Young Writers Society

SCAR hi I’m so sorry this is so late haha but you know I am eventually going to get through all of your chapters and FINALLY be caught up! I know this isn’t LMS but it’s the prologue and I always read the prologue (tbh I don’t understand why people don’t read the prologues?? Like, if you picked up a book with the intention of reading it, why not read all of it lol that’s like skipping the epilogue LOL

Anyway, onto this! Sooo just from the start, I am assuming that this deals with the thing they defeated when they were kids? To be honest, I did not expect to write this just yet, as it seems to give a LOT away for the premise of the actual story. Readers who didn’t read all of your worldbuilding wouldn’t know this, of course, but now that I know, I… don’t really have a way to end this sentence xD I just think it’s INTERESTING! Is it a bad choice? I don’t know xD, we’ll have to wait and see. But yeah, definitely thought you were just going to allude to it throughout the story to keep the mystery and tension. Maybe this is one of those times where skipping the prologue might be better for the story overall? But, what do I know, I just started this story and definitely won’t get a feeling for the whole book until you finish it. So, I think the big thing to get out of this is to HURRY UP WITH WEEK 3

"Max!"
The sound of his sister screaming his name jerked Max out of his semi-comatose state.

Gorl (hehe) you KNOW I am all about the beginning of stories, chapters, parts, dialogue, ANYTHING. Beginnings are SO important because they are the representatives of your story. They are the reputation that precedes the whole book. They will kill your story is done poorly and leave a sour taste in the reader’s mouth if they are like really bad. But, like, the opposite is also true! As a prologue, some would not consider this the beginning of your story, BUT I DO OKAY so that’s how I’m gonna view it.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, I have another thing to point out. Sound is such a hard thing to convey through writing for me. Honestly, I have SUSCH PROBLEMS with writing sound, especially if it’s someone the narrator doesn’t know. Like, how do I convey that without it sounding really weird?? Do I just put “INDISTINGUISHABLE NOISES” over and over again? That’s the type of fluff I like to read but the reason why I say this is because this sentence suffers from that same problem. It’s C L U N K Y and reads poorly because it slows the action (jerking Max awake) way down. I was going to say “but it’s okay because LMS and word padding u good gurl” but gotcha this wasn’t for LMS so here’s an example where the fluff of this sentence is stripped away. Let me know how it works.

”Max!”
His name jerked Max alert.

So, this example is simple, and I don’t think is an amazing example of what I’m trying to get across, but it’s also 4 in the morning so bear with me here. Basically, what this is doing is attempting to streamline the sentence around the action, stripping away the things that slow it down, specifically “sound of his sister” – because we know that this is a sound, even though we don’t know it’s his sister. There’s a better way to convey this information, though, and I urge to you explore that- and “semi-comatose state” – again, there’s a better way to convey this as well. When you add modifiers like “somewhat” or “slightly” or, in this case, “semi-“ then it strips the meaning away from the adjective you’re using. For example, if you say “slightly awake” that conveys what you want, sure, but there’s also so many BETTER ways to get that across. You could say “his eyelids protested the light and begged him to close them for just fifteen more minutes”. You could also just say “drifting in and out of consciousness”. You see the possibilities here? In most cases, instead of these modifiers that actually take away from what they’re modifying, there’s usually a different adjective/noun/verb that is better suited for the situation and is more powerful. Modifiers are TRAPS

He rolled up onto one shoulder, looking across the basement to find the dark, shadowy being pinning his sister to the wall by the throat.

Okay, so this sentence suffers from weak verbs. This article is such good advice when approaching verbs. My biggest complaint here is “looking”. I think “rolled” is appropriate and doesn’t really need to be changed. In other words, your sentence starts off strong! (It could be strong though like, did he struggle to one shoulder? Is he hurt? What’s going through his mind at this moment? – Although, care with that too, because it can slow down action if done too much. IT’S SUCH A DIFFICULT BALANCE). Here’s an example of mixing up this part of the sentence:

He rolled up onto one shoulder, his eyes scanning the room for his sister. He noticed movement in his peripheral and found his sister. Shadows circled her…

Scanned is such a better verb than looked, right? With both terms, you get across that, yes, Max is looking for his sister. HOWEVER in the former, you get that he’s being meticulous through it’s connotation. He’s not just looking for her, he’s searching every possible thing he can see (sidenote: searching is also better than looked, although I don’t think it’s as good as scanned). In my example as well, the sentences are broken up more to continue the flow. It sounds contradictory, but it’s true. Your description here “dark, shadowy” ruins the flow and your preposition-chaining slows the sentence down as well.

I would also like to see more sensory descriptions, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

Jae and Luke were on the ground between them, bruised and bleeding. For a few seconds, he wasn't sure what he was looking at. The image flickered and faded in an irregular, erratic manner and Max had to force himself to focus past the pounding in his head.

To start off, I like the second part of this! I WANT MOAR of this like honestly. Jae and Luke here, we get how they look, but is there a smell in the air? What is Max hearing besides his name? Are his palms sweaty Mom’s spaghetti? For the being, I like it! What exactly is this thing, and what are the first thing’s Max would focus on? That’s one way I write (and I think you know more than most with my storybooks) is that I approach a situation through my character. I know what I want to get across as a write (what objectives I need to get on paper before this part is done etc.) but when I start writing, I think “what would my character focus on first?”. With Max, it’s clear that his first focus is on his sister (aww) but then what’s his second focus? There’s a lot that seems to be going on here, so there’s SO much for you to work with. Another thing I like to focus on that I don’t think a lot of readers tend to think about is LIGHTING. Okay so it seems straight forward but think about movies and just how much effort they put into lighting? I’ve shot short films before and let me tell you there’s so much focus that goes on with lighting because, like music/foley, it can make or break what you’re shooting. Lighting can bring such depth to what you’re writing as well. Is it dark where they’re at? I’m imagining a dank cellar with one hanging light that’s flickering or moving all over the place and casting stark shadows that conflict with Max being able to see the monster. When you’re working with a shadow being, light becomes even that much more important!

Okay okay I’m moving on now xD u called me a brat u meanie

Honestly, what could four twelve-year-olds do against an ancient evil that was lurking in their basement? He was a stupid, stupid boy and he should've listen to their parents.

I can sense your oldness seeping through here xD oldie. No 12 year old boy would ever call themselves a boy, even if they’re in a life-threatening situation xD. HE IS A MAN! Well okay probably not a man but he definitely would call himself a boy or probably not a kid xD
Also, I went back to re-read this and missed the first sentence the first time. Again, definitely no 12 year old would call themselves 12 year olds. I’ll give you that he’s regretting his decision, but this screams that you’re pushing that they’re TWELVE OKAY THIS IS IMPORTANT READER MAKE SURE TO REMEMBER THIS and not have this as something a kid/preteen would say. When dealing with kids, remember that they’re not 25 and don’t think the same way as a 25 yo, yknow? I would love to see more of how Max would deal with stuff with keeping that in mind.

The shadowy beast turned towards him slowly, red-amber eyes glowing in the darkness. He instantly regretted his 'get-the-monster's-attention' idea. Worst idea ever.

Ooh, what if he was like “I HAVE AN IDEA DON’T WORRY ME” or something before this before going straight to “wow this idea sux”. Also, it’s hard to get a sense of what Max’s personality is yet. I KNOW I KNOW this is such a dumb point when they’re 12 and this is a prologue but still, personality is important! Especially since they’re 12, I would like to see something here. To be honest, I’m sensing “Scar” here and not a 12 yo boy, if that makes sense? I know not all 12 yo boys are the same, but like, I was an introverted 12 year old and I was still spunky at that age! I was also incredibly awkward and cringey, but that’s a different story xD

When he focused on his sister and The Beast again, his sister was the floor and he wasn't sure if she was dead or not.

It seems like Max would be a lot more worried about her sister here than he gives off. Like I said earlier, his first reaction after waking back up was hearing his sister and looking for her. I know they’re twins (the reader doesn’t yet) so there’s obviously a connection between them. If I was 12 and this happened to me, I would internally be FREAKING OUT. Main point? I wanna see more of Max’s internal dialogue with stuff, because I think that’s interesting

"You should not have awoken me, boy."

Okay so not really a nitpick on this story per say, but this screams to me Scar-talk. You have a consistency with you’re writing (and I think I know this more than most because, well, Storybooks xD we’ve had a long writing history together) of sassiness/sarcasm/bluntness and people calling other people “Boy” or something similar xD. I get why this is here, but yeah be careful with being too comfortable with your writing lol

It was the exact same voice from the nightmares he'd been having since he was five.

Another use of REMEMBER THIS AGE BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT READER even though it probably isn’t xD, but yeah I don’t remember anything from when I was five and I think that’s pretty consistent with most people. Even at the age of ten, the only thing I remembered before I was seven was one birthday present in a snow cone maker I got when I was four. Other than that, even traumatic stuff (because I had a really traumatic childhood) I didn’t really remember. Max here would remember the dreams, but I highly doubt he would remember that they started when he was five. How much do you remember happened when you were five? Perhaps you could say “as long as he could remember” or something along those lines.

Max grinned, one hand tight around the monster's wrist. "You're so easy to trick," he said and slammed his free hand down on the sigil on the wall. "Go back to where you came from!"

This seems more like a 12 year old boy! But, how did he know this was going to work? Was this impulsive? If it was, that contradicts that he was tricking the monster. Basically, I didn’t know this was going to happen even though it’s been established that the reader is privy to Max’s thoughts. This seemed pretty important information to skip us on D: perhaps we could see him connecting two and two to formulate his plan? He definitely seems like the idea-man in their relationship (he and his sister) and I hope that continues into the present ^^

Max groaned. That made Lyssa glance towards him. His sister gasped out a breath. She saw him looking, noticed the absence of the beast and smiled. "We did it, huh? We got rid of it?"

They all sound kind of nonchalant about the whole experience. How hurt are any of them to be so unaffected by this all? If that was your intention, perhaps you could be like “suddenly the air felt not as thick” or something along those lines. Just to clue the readers in the something changed so this dramatic shift would be easier to swallow.

That means it's still there and alive and really, really pissed off."

OOOOOH LANGUAGE LYSSA WOW but in reality I totally get that kids curse when not around their parents (side note: I actually didn’t? I was A GOOD KID OKAY) but, like a few points earlier, this reminds me WAY TOO MUCH of Scar and takes me out of a story. I think you could add personality to this by dodging the stereotype and having Lyssa say “ticked off” instead of “pissed off”. But yeah, most of your characters curse and I think their number 1 curse word is pissed lol (it gives me Ace vibes). I think, for future reviews of this I’ll just add a counter or something everytime I think something reminds me of your writing and takes me out of the story. Idk I’ll think about it later xD


So, STORY THOUGHTS TIME

Honestly, I do still agree with what I said in the beginning. This seems like something I would have personally kept mysterious. There’s still a lot of mysteries and everything that’s presented in this and I hope you continue this with their adult life and don’t answer everything right away. I know I made this comparison before, but this reminds me of IT. The book itself was in both past and present, but I didn’t read the book so I won’t comment on that (that could be something you could do in a future draft though! I personally LOVE duo storyline stories) but this reminded me a lot of that for reasons I pointed out before. All I wanted to add here is, what if they forget a lot of what happened in this prologue? I think that’s the direction you’re heading in, but like, they don’t want to come back here because it gives them a bad feeling and anxiety, but they don’t know why. That’s an extremely powerful idea. But, yeah that’s the only way I think you can get away with outrightly writing what happened to them 15 years before. I totally get that you wanted to clue the readers into what happened, but this wasn’t particularly a strong way to start off your story (I’ll get to that in a bit) and it removed a ton of the mystery to what exactly happened all that time ago, which is something you could definitely have capitalized on and kept a current theme across the story. Like, they have to deal with a big baddie coming back when they don’t remember what actually happened and the readers don’t know what happened either. It adds tension and impending doom.

As for the prologue itself, I do think this was a little weak and seemed… rushed? We were brought in on the middle of the action and brought straight to the climax, so we didn’t get any of the build up or tension here. The reward (the big baddie being trapped) isn’t earned here, and the nonchalantness expressed by the four afterwards cements that none of this really mattered, especially reading it. I personally would have much rather you keep this a mystery than what I read, WHICH IS BLUNT IM SORRY but I feel like the mystery was wasted here. I think it started abruptly and ended abruptly with not much meat in between.

I wonder if their friends will make an appearance in the present storyline? I would love it if they also add to they mystery. I also would have liked a bit at the end here of them getting rescued? Perhaps Max not really remembering much or just of glimpses of what’s going on?

Another note here that I’m gonna talk about even though a normal reader really wouldn’t: I don’t see a lot of witchcraft here. I know we talked about whether or not the kids practiced in witchcraft, or even knew they were witches. I don’t know what you decided on. However, the reason why I’m bringing this up is because your worldbuilding and pre-writing focused so much on the witch aspect of that so I assumed, going in, that this would be a world really of witches and that I would get that notion as soon as I started reading. Maybe the prologue is too early for this, but I just thought I’d point this out. We also talked about how you were perhaps juggling too many ideas for this story to tackle them all well enough. At this point, I’m a little worried that the “witch” aspect of this might get drowned? Again, too early to tell, but I though I’d point it out anyway.

I hope this helps! I know this is kind of blunt at points and I didn’t mean for it to beeee that way but yeah, let’s have a conversation! I can’t wait to read the rest. I followed your prewriting early on so I’m pretty invested in this story

Hey ScarlettFire! I haven't reviewed in forever but hopefully this is still helpful!

He rolled up onto one shoulder, looking across the basement to find the dark, shadowy being pinning his sister to the wall by the throat.

I think this is supposed to be "looked." Also the beginning part of this sentence about him rolling over doesn't make much sense. I would recommend either changing it to "he rolled onto his shoulder" or "he rolled over onto his shoulder."

For a few seconds, he wasn't sure what he was looking at.

I would change "he" to "Max" since you just mentioned a bunch of characters and it brings the focus back to the main character.

He was a stupid, stupid boy and he should've listen to their parents.

I think it would be better to change "stupid, stupid boy" to "idiot/such an idiot" because it sounds more like something a twelve year old boy would call himself.

They never should have touch the sigil on the basement wall.

touched

"Stupid," he muttered, pushed himself up onto his feet using the wall. He wobbled slightly when he let go and had to grab for it again. "Stupid. Ugh."

pushing
This doesn't seem very realistic to me. This doesn't seem like something someone would say in this situation. I mean I think he would more scared. I don't think he would be thinking much in this situation. He would probably be in fight or flight mode.

Bad idea, very, very bad idea.

Bad idea. Very, very bad idea.

When he focused on his sister and The Beast again, his sister was the floor and he wasn't sure if she was dead or not.

Why is the beast capitalized like a title once and then never mentioned again?
When he focused on his sister and The Beast again, his sister was lying on the floor. Max couldn't tell whether or not she was dead.

The monster's voice was dangerous and silky and echoed slightly in a really creepy way.

This is very telly instead of showy. I don't think you need to mention that it's dangerous, I think that's pretty obvious since it's a monster. Silky is a great word. I would change the sentence to this:
The monster's voice was silky. It echoed its way around the room (or something like that).
You don't need to tell us that it's dangerous and creepy, would should be able to get that on our own.

Max grinned, one hand tight around the monster's wrist.

grinned with one hand

He landed hard on the ground, knocking his head against the basement's solid stone flooring for the second time.

The second time?

Suggestions:
I liked how you gave the beast a title even though it was just The Beast. I think I would like to see you use that as the being's name. I also think that you should refer to the parent's basement just as The Basement. The parent's basement is a bit of a mouthful and since this is the prologue I think it would be cool if in the actual novel, the kids referred to the basement as The Basement, it makes it appear more foreboding and adds more tension, so that when they finally enter The Basement we are more frightened than if they enter their parent's basement. I also feel like you don't need to mention that they are in their parent's basement so often, we as readers already know the setting from the first time you mentioned it. I think the beast should talk differently. He seems too human, if that makes any sense.

Lyssa goes from...

She saw him looking, noticed the absence of the beast and smiled. "We did it, huh? We got rid of it?"

to

"It'll be back," Lyssa said, and when Max looked, she was sitting on the ground, propped up on one elbow. "I don't know when or anything, but it'll be back."

It doesn't make sense. She seemed very optimistic and then the next time she spoke so gravely. This doesn't seem natural at all. I think it would be best to keep to her optimistic demeanor and have Jae be the grave one.

He decided that that was the perfect moment to pass out.

People can't decide to pass out, haha. Honestly I think you should cut this sentence out and just end the prologue as it is.

Confusion:
How did Max know how to send the beast back to where it came from? How is a twelve year old this confident and kind of cocky? I was really confused by how Max acted in this situation.

Hopefully this was helpful!
dwyn

Hi, this is TheWeirdoFromBeyond, here with a review.

What I Liked
As always, starting with the positives. The action in the prologue. It made me really eager to read your novel.

Grammar
(the bold is what has to be corrected)

He was a stupid, stupid boy and he should've listen to their parents.

*listened

They never should have touch the sigil on the basement wall.

*touched

Also, here you have capitalized 'The Beast',

He shook his head and immediately regretted it. Bad idea, very, very bad idea. He took a moment to let his vision settle, leaning against the wall until he felt like he wasn't going to fall over anytime soon. When he focused on his sister and The Beast again, his sister was the floor and he wasn't sure if she was dead or not.

Here, you haven't,

Max shivered. The monster's voice was dangerous and silky and echoed slightly in a really creepy way. It was the exact same voice from the nightmares he'd been having since he was five. And he was pretty sure Lyssa had been having them, too. He wasn't sure about Jae or Luke, though. Was he even the one who woke the beast up? Max couldn't remember. All he remembered was finding that stupid sigil in the basement and then showing Lyssa, who convinced him to show Jae and Luke. He whimpered as the shadow-monster stepped over his best friends without even glancing at them and advanced on him.

Story
There isn't much to review, but that is the beauty of a prologue. Create a mystery that makes the reader curious.

Overall
It was a great entry into the novel, and I would like to follow your story.

Good luck writing
-TheWeirdoFromBeyond