Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


Unlike [Very Rough]

by Mea


Corners and edges, sparkling diamond earrings,
high heels and a coffee cup always in hand – these
are parts of the impossible story
held in the way I say your name.

Impossible because you should have rubbed me raw.
We should have slipped past each other, hardly speaking.
We turn differently, you and I –
somehow we spun together anyway.

Then that agonized whisper in class, because of course
if the current couldn’t take me this time
it would have you. Any moment now,
the crowd will close behind you – in a day
you’ll wake while I am sleeping,
order your morning latte and then
our nights and days will slip past each other
the way we always should have.

---

A/N - Very rough draft, mostly posted because I wanted to post something and I'm experimenting with a slightly different style of poetry. Possibly too literal. Definitely too abrupt in places. Also the title is a total placeholder.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
817 Reviews


Points: 26732
Reviews: 817

Donate
Wed Sep 27, 2017 6:24 pm
View Likes
alliyah wrote a review...



Oohh I like when people experiment with different poetic styles.

My first thought is that I don't know if the "[very rough]" is part of the title or an extension of your author's note.

So I like the overall tone you've established in this piece, for me it seems to be really be spinning, like the speaker gets caught up in one thought, a metaphor, than challenges that thought, then goes back to the initial place. Their feelings don't seem settled I guess is what I'm trying to say. There's both an intensity ("agonized whisper") and a wistfulness ("slipped past each other") in the relationship described.

Also you do a good job of using interesting imagery and metaphors in the piece. Especially the last four lines -- which I'm not sure if the reader is supposed to take literally or figuratively.

My main critique of this piece is that although I enjoy the word choice and illustrations you have here, I'm having a hard time seeing the whole story come together. I'm not actually sure what this poem is really about or what's happening.

I have two interpretations.
1) The speaker is in a relationship with someone who works the night shift. This may be a metaphor. So they're like living on these different metaphorical spheres of life, and yet they hold on to each other somehow.

2)The speaker is describing two parts of their identity like the metaphorical sleeping self and awake self, that are spinning or orbiting around each other and the "corners" and "edges" that are breaking forth are some of what is actually authentic.

Those are just guesses, and they are both pretty different and might be wildly wrong, because there just is not quite enough plot here yet for a reader to grasp onto.

There were a few places that the wording could be improved, reading aloud may help with that. One spot I found, "somehow we spun together anyway" I think it should be "we spin" or "we've spun". And I think the last two lines aren't the strongest set-up for the rest of the poem, for me it's just a bit too ambiguous.

Despite a little confusion here and there, there are still some really nice gems in this piece. The 4th line was one of my favorites, "held in the way I say your name." -- really good. The third stanza was also really strong, I just wanted more. :)

Thanks for sharing your poem, please let me know if you have any questions about my review.

~alliyah




Mea says...


Thanks for the review! Your interpretations are really interesting - you're pretty much right on with the meaning but not the literal details of the situation. If you want to know what it's really about, it's about a friend of mine who recently moved across the world and who I'll probably never see again. (So our timezones are completely opposite, an interesting reflection of how we were pretty much opposites.) I'll definitely work on adding more detail to make it clearer.



alliyah says...


Ohh the timezone thing makes a lot of sense in hindsight! And the rest reads a bit more clearly with that background.



User avatar
1220 Reviews


Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Donate
Wed Sep 27, 2017 5:09 pm
View Likes
Kale wrote a review...



Hello there and happy RevMo (even if I am a bit late to the reviewing party)! I, a bold Knight of the Green Room, am here today to review you.

Now, I like literal poetry and I think it's rather underrated how much you can say through implication by saying other things very literally. Hopefully that made sense. I haven't had any coffee yet.

Anyways, this is definitely rough, but rather than smooth out all the roughness away, I think you could play with it a bit more so that it's still rough, but in such a way that overall it smooths out, kind of like suede or sandpaper. One of the themes in this piece is how all those jagged edges should have been cutting and rough and flow-breaking, but they weren't, so if you could figure out a way to mirror that with the roughness of the flow, I think that would be a great way to reinforce that particular theme.

The one thing that did stand out to me as fluff was "Impossible because" because it's rather repetitious, and also a bit redundant. If you cut out those two words, none of the meaning is changed, and I think it gives the second stanza a stronger start with how abrupt it would then begin, rather than trying to ease the transition with the filler, and also help tie back into the theme I mentioned before.




User avatar


Points: 108
Reviews: 1

Donate
Wed Sep 27, 2017 1:28 pm
Strident wrote a review...



The first thing that caught me is the word sparkling in the first line. It breaks the flow of the rest of the verse, so I think it would be better if it was removed. In the second verse, the pronunciation of "hardly" breaks the flow as well; I would suggest "scarcely" in its place. It means the same thing, but the beginning sound of the word helps it feel like it fits into the verse more. As well, altering the last line of that verse to "but somehow, we spun together anyway" would help it stand out more. In the last verse, I would suggest a comma after the first word, and a comma after "time." After the dash, I can't make much sense of the verse. A rephrasing might help with that. Overall, I liked the poem. The only problems I really saw for the most part were with the flow.

This has been a Strident review. Hahaha... I love using words that actually mean something as usernames. It'll be funny if you know what strident means. Anyways, I hope this advice is useful to you.




Mea says...


Yep, a strident review for sure! Thanks for the review.




Our God given right to smuggle.
— John Green