z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Stella Magenta Book 1 4.1

by Atticus


A/N: After Rennedon Repairs, the business Skylar's father owned, was shut down by members of the NUS Militia, Skylar started to search for work to provide a means of income for her family. She was hired as a mechanic of sorts at a junkyard and has just finished a 10-hour shift. 

Skylar reached her house just as the sun was sinking below the clouds. With the coming winter, the days were shortening to only 11 hours instead of their usual 13 hours. Ayudia had a remarkably similar climate to Earth, the planet where humans used to live before they had destroyed their own planet by emitting toxic gases into the atmosphere. Once their atmosphere had broken down, several thousand people were hurried onto space shuttles and sent to this system, where astronomers had predicted, correctly, that they had a chance of survival.

Skylar didn't spend much time thinking about Earth, or any other planets, for that matter. She was perfectly content on Ayudia—or at least, she would be, once her father's workshop was restored to its rightful place as leader of the mechanical market.

Skylar pulled the key out of her pocket and unlocked the door, slipping off her shoes and closing the door as she always did. Her father was in the kitchen, once again leaning against the counter. Skylar stepped inside, cautiously approaching her parents. Her mother noticed her hesitation and waved her forward.

"How was your day?" she asked, pulling out a chair for Skylar to sit in.

Skylar collapsed in the chair, relaxing every muscle in her body. She was too tired to continue to protest her growing exhaustion and instead let it overwhelm her. "As good as I could've expected, I guess. I got hired at the junkyard on Willow."

Her father nodded wearily. "Respectable," he muttered, tracing the carvings on the table with his fingers.

"What'd you do today, Dad?" Skylar encouraged him, forcing herself to straighten a little and give her father a gentle smile.

"Not much of anything, I'm afraid. Nothing useful. I found a few odd jobs here and there, hauling this and that from here to there. I didn't make much, though. Just shy of 30 silvers."

"I have 40," Skylar said quietly, almost ashamed that she had earned more than her father. Her hands immediately went to the parcel in her coat jacket. To her relief, it was still there. Once again, she had sloppily left it unguarded. She was lucky nobody had slipped it out of her coat pocket when she was wandering the streets, clearly lost in her own dreams and imaginations. She shuddered imagining how easy of a target she must have been, and how devastating it would be for her family if that money was taken from her.

She set the parcel on the table and slid it to her father. He opened it, eyes glazed and empty, and tore the packaging apart, examining the rolls of silvers.

"You didn't get shortchanged." Skylar noted the surprise in his voice, however dull it was.

Skylar only smiled. "I hope it's enough."

"For today, it's fine," Skylar's mother intervened, resting her hand on top of Skylar's. Skylar noticed that her gray eyes were filled with anxiety, unlike her father's, which didn't seem to be filled with anything at all. "Skylar, I'm so sorry you have to be responsible for this. You shouldn't have the burden of providing for your family when you're only fifteen yourself and have our whole—"

"It's fine." Skylar interrupted her mother before she could finish. "Really. I understand. It's not your fault."

Skylar's mother exchanged glances with her husband before returning her gaze to Skylar. She fidgeted with her hands under the table and shifetd her position in her seat. "Skylar, your father and I have been talking about Rennedon Repairs."

Skylar felt her hopes start to rise, but immediately stifled her excitement. She couldn't stand to have her hopes raised and then dashed to the ground again. "And?" she prompted, trying to keep the eagerness out of her voice.

Mrs. Rennedon sighed, drawing it out for an unnaturally long time before turning to face Skylar. "We've examined the process of applying to have that certificate revoked—the certificate that says our business is closed to the public—and it's a lot harder than we had thought. And a lot more expensive."

"How much more expensive?" Skylar asked. Her heartbeat sped up, and her knee began to bounce of its own accord. She placed a hand on her knee to hold it down while she waited patiently, each second stretching into an eternity.

"More than we can afford." Mr. Rennedon cut in, speaking for the first time. He didn't meet Skylar's eyes, and instead focused his gaze on the hardwood floor beneath them. "I'm sorry, Skylar. I'm as disappointed as you are."

I doubt that. Skylar dropped her gaze to the table. "How much?" she repeated.

"All the fees combined, plus the estimation we've received for hiring a lawyer to advocate for us, would add up to about 200 gold."

Skylar slumped in her chair, running her hands over her face as the realization washed over her. She would never be able to open Rennedon Repairs with the wages she was earning now, and her father still hadn't secured a solid job. As much as she tried to find a solution, she was painfully aware that they were barely scraping by as it was.

Even if they could save up the 100 gold, it made no logical sense. Danny's education was only getting steeper as he got older, and Mr. Rennedon had made it clear that pulling Danny out of school was not an option. He loved art with a passion and had displayed a clear talent for it, and Mr. Rennedon insisted that it was only right to let Danny pursue what he loved, just as he had pulled Skylar out of school to pursue what she loved.

She was vaguely aware that her mother was saying something, but she was in no mood to hear her mother speak reassuring words when she had no idea how it felt to lose everything she had ever loved.

"I'm gonna head up to my room," she declared, pushing her chair back from the table. She started to walk to the stairs, half expecting her parents to stop her, but neither of them moved towards her. Looking back at the table, she saw that both of them looked more tired and worn than she had ever seen them, and felt a slight twinge of guilt for being so self-absorbed when this was her father's dream, too.

She opened her door and collapsed onto her bed, lacing her fingers behind her head and staring up at the blank ceiling. It was all too much for her. She had never seen this twist coming, and for the first time in her life, she wasn't sure what to do. Part of her wanted to keep fighting, to insist that they set aside a small portion of their income aside every year so that it might be a possibility, however distant.

She felt her sorrow shift into anger, and she stiffened. All of this was because of the deep-seeded corruption in the NUS. If only one of the lazy, overweight chairs of the NUS had cared at all for their country and decided to make a change, any change, this could have all been prevented.

Her memory of that fateful afternoon in the repair shop kept replaying in her mind. Each time she could clearly see the arrogance etched into the Militia's faces as they hunted through the workshop for anything illegal, the confidence in their stride, the pride as they handed Mr. Rennedon a small scrap of paper that would completely ruin their lives and destroy the only thing they had left.

Skylar spent the rest of the afternoon helping her parents with household chores, trying to figure out how she could possibly make so much money in a reasonable time frame. No matter what plan she devised, there was always a hole—no matter what she did, she would never be able to earn a lot of money with her level of experience, schooling, gender, and age. Everything seemed to be stacked against her.

By the time she collapsed in bed, exhausted from her labor at the junkyard and her constant motion throughout the evening, she had decided that all she could do was continue to work hard at her job and climb the ranks. That was all she could do for today, and in the meantime, she would keep her eyes and ears open, looking for new opportunities to earn extra money and to get back at the NUS in the process, if at all possible. She fell asleep while she was still scheming, plotting different jobs she was qualified for and different ways she could work her way through the ranks, maybe even finding a way to get around the fees so they wouldn't have to pay so much in needless expenses.

She woke the next morning before her parents came to wake her up, for the first time since the repair shop closed eager to work. She pushed herself out of bed and immediately got dressed in a pair of baggy jeans, a heavier shirt, and her favorite jacket. Slipping her boots on, she plodded down the stairs to where her mother was serving some simple breakfasts.

"Breakfast again this morning, Mom?" she asked, peering over her mother's shoulder to see what was being served.

Her mother turned around, slightly startled, and offered her a smile. "It's not as much as yesterday, but I woke up and decided I had to do something." She offered Skylar a bowl of yogurt and fresh fruit. "How'd you sleep?"

Skylar settled onto one of the chairs in the dining room and started to shovel the food in her mouth as fast as she could. "Good," she said through a mouthful of wild berries.

"I'm glad. You need your strength."

Skylar could only nod.

"I wanted to tell you how grateful I was to you for doing this. It's more than anyone your age should have to deal with, and I'm sure you know how unfair it is that you have to pay for your younger brother's schooling."

"It's fine, Mom. It's not your fault." It's the fault of those stupid maniacs who call themselves the government, she added silently. "I understand."

Mrs. Rennedon looked Skylar in the eye, and Skylar saw a tear forming in the corner of her eyes. She almost did a double-take, but stopped herself. She had only seen her mother cry once before, and that was the night that the repair shop had closed. It pained her to see her mother so broken and so sad now. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that everything circled back to the NUS. Not only had they taken the repair shop from her, but they had now caused her parents so much harm, not to mention her own personal grievances. All the more reason for her to work hard and eventually earn enough to fight for their shop back, avhiecing her dreams even when the most powerful force in the galaxy was working against herself. She promised herself, looking at the small tear forming in her mother's eye, that she would do whatever it took to accomplish the dreams, even if she had to take down the entire NUS in order to do so.

"Are you all right, Skylar?" Her mother's voice brought her back to reality, gentle and concerned. Skylar nodded.

"Sorry. I guess I'm still a little tired."

"You can rest some more. You have a few minutes before you have to go to work. What time do you start?"

"I work from 8 to 6, I think. I'd work more hours if I could, but I'm not allowed. The repair shop closes at the end of the 10-hour shift."

"It's completely fine, Skylar. You're doing more than your fair share here. We will get through this, okay? I want you to hold onto that hope, no matter how miserable this makes you. I'll find something to do to bring in some money on the side, I'm sure somebody is dying to hire someone with the experience your father has, not to mention the reputation he's built, and we will be able to save a little bit."

"Danny's schooling will only get more expensive."

Skylar's mother bit her lip. "We'll be able to manage. If we need to, we can pick a school that's not quite as expensive. But I want you to know that we are in a valley right now, facing a big mountain. We are able to climb mountains. We have the best climbing equipment, and we're the best climbers known to the world, and we have the determination required for such a difficult task."

Skylar nodded wisely. "And the mountain is the process of getting RR back, we're the climbers, we have a determination, and our climbing gear is... is... sorry, I got lost in the meatphor," Skylar teased her mother, smiling a little bit and eliciting a small smile from her mother.

"You understand my point, right? It gets better." Skylar's mother gave her hand one final squeeze, and Skylar took another big bite of yogurt and berries. She leaned back in her chair. It might get better, but it would never be the same. And for that, the NUS would pay.


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Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:29 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Tuckster, Casanova here to do a review for you.

Anyway, doing novel reviews isn't my forte, but I'll be commenting one what I do know.

So first things first- Skylar. Honestly... At this point I really don't like her all too well. I mean, I know she's supposed to mean well and everything, but at the moment she just seems... Fake, I guess the name would be. She doesn't seem the naturally warm and happy kind, she seems more of the kind to feign it and actually either be really depressed or really angry, and she can't talk about it, and that's something I really didn't like whenever I read this.

Skylar's dad, on the other hand, seems like he's a really good guy, but he also seems like he's a pushover. Just from reading this, I think that he would be the type to take a lot of crap before he would ever blow his lid about anything, and even then I wouldn't be for sure on that.

Skylar's mom I really don't know much about at the current moment so I can't really go into detail about her yet.

The over all plot of this chapter was just a bit slow for me, I guess? The first part went by slowly, but after she went to sleep then it sorta just dropped from there, I guess?

But anyway, I'll go look for the other chapters. Thanks for sharing ^^

Sincerely, Casanova




Atticus says...


Thanks for the review!



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Mon Sep 10, 2018 12:47 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Ayudia had a remarkably similar climate to Earth, the planet where humans used to live before they had destroyed their own planet by emitting toxic gases into the atmosphere. Once their atmosphere had broken down, several thousand people were hurried onto space shuttles and sent to this system, where astronomers had predicted, correctly, that they had a chance of survival.


This is a good, concise bit of world-building but feels like it belongs in a much earlier chapter than chapter 4. Unless this is the first time we're seeing this planet and this viewpoint. But based on your author's note at the beginning, I'm guessing we've been on Ayudia with Skylar for some time now.

"I have 40," Skylar said quietly, almost ashamed that she had earned more than her father. Her hands immediately went to the parcel in her coat jacket. To her relief, it was still there. Once again, she had sloppily left it unguarded. She was lucky nobody had slipped it out of her coat pocket when she was wandering the streets, clearly lost in her own dreams and imaginations. She shuddered imagining how easy of a target she must have been, and how devastating it would be for her family if that money was taken from her.


I like the conflict you mention between Skylar's dreamy nature and her new responsibility as a breadwinner in her family. Not only does she have this feeling of conflict because she earned more than her father - which makes her feel weird but is also good because the family needs money - but her tendency to daydream must now be controlled or set aside so her hard-earned money doesn't get stolen on her way home. I feel like her father's surprise over her not being shortchanged goes along with this: it sounds as if this sort of thing is common here, in which case Skylar might need to learn to count her earnings before leaving work for the day, rather than daydreaming or thinking about how she'll almost be home.

"More than we can afford." Mr. Rennedon cut in, speaking for the first time. He didn't meet Skylar's eyes, and instead focused his gaze on the hardwood floor beneath them. "I'm sorry, Skylar. I'm as disappointed as you are."


Man, probably more disappointed. Or, like, more than disappointed. I'm guessing he's the one who started the business. The mystery of dad being practically catatonic for this conversation is solved. I appreciate that he encourages his kids to pursue what they're passionate about, even when the family is broke and what the kids are passionate about might be something that most parents would consider useless.

(I'm thinking of all the parents who refuse to pay for their kids' art degrees.)

That said, when the family is barely scraping by, I'd expect Skylar and/or her mother to either argue this point or be resentful of it. Skylar's probably the better bet, considering the repair shop is her dream - why does Danny get to keep his expensive dream of art school while Skylar has to watch her dream go down the drain? (I'm not asking, I'm just saying I could see Skylar feeling that way, even if she tries to suppress it for a while.) I do feel the faintest hint of this later on in the chapter, when Skylar comments to her mother that Danny's schooling will only get more expensive, but it's passed over fairly quickly. Of course, it could take a while for that resentment to build up, especially if Skylar tries to control it.

I'd also hope that Danny would at least offer to leave school so the family can, you know, eat and keep a roof over their heads, but since I don't actually meet him in this chapter I'm not sure whether or not that's something he would do.




Atticus says...


Thanks for the review Blue! I do need to fix that world-building, so that's something I'll definitely take note of. One of the main reasons I wanted Danny to be an artsy kinda guy is because I want to make it clear through my books that it's okay for guys to like art, which is traditionally considered a more feminine pursuit, and that it's okay for girls to like mechanics, something traditionally considered more masculine. Currently, Danny's a little kid, 7 or 8, so I don't see him really worrying about money. I'l have to revisit the Rennedon family finances and figure out how to make it more realistic in future revisions. Thanks so much for your review, and I hope to see you around!



BluesClues says...


Np! I'm definitely up for showing that people don't have to stick to the assigned interests of their gender; it was really just the money issue that bugged me because the family seems so badly off right now! But if Danny's 7 or 8 then yeah, in that case it's much less likely that he'd think about the money (unless it literally gets to a point where he doesn't know where his next meal is coming from).



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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, MJ! Pan dropping in for a quick review. I've not read previous chapters of this, but between your A/N and your thread in the Writers' Corner, I was able to follow this pretty well. I'm just going to do my usual thing of starting with small comments and then rounding off with my broader overall thoughts at the end. Let's go!

Small Comments

Ayudia had a remarkably similar climate to Earth, the planet where humans used to live before they had destroyed their own planet by emitting toxic gases into the atmosphere. Once their atmosphere had broken down, several thousand people were hurried onto space shuttles and sent to this system, where astronomers had predicted, correctly, that they had a chance of survival.

Skylar didn't spend much time thinking about Earth


The information about what happened to Earth feels a bit shoehorned in, and it's a rather specific and knowledgeable summary for someone who doesn't spend much time thinking about other planets. I feel like you could still get the information in, but you have to colour it through Skylar's perspective. Imagine if you had something like:

Skylar had heard that Ayudia had a similar climate to Earth, the planet humans originally came from. Or at least it had been similar, before it got messed up by - gases, or something. Something to do with gases and greenhouses. Skylar had never paid much attention in history classes.

This is just an example, but here, the explanation better matches what I'd expect Skylar to know about the whole thing. It's no good telling us she doesn't think much about Earth after having her dwell on a detailed explanation of what happened on Earth.

Skylar collapsed in the chair, relaxing every muscle in her body. She was too tired to continue to protest her growing exhaustion and instead let it overwhelm her.


I feel like that second sentence is pretty unnecessary, not to mention a bit too wordy. The first sentence stand fine by itself.

"What'd you do today, Dad?" Skylar encouraged him


The encouragement should be obvious from the dialogue. You shouldn't have to use the dialogue tag to tell us it's there.

To her relief, it was still there. Once again, she had sloppily left it unguarded. She was lucky nobody had slipped it out of her coat pocket when she was wandering the streets, clearly lost in her own dreams and imaginations. She shuddered imagining how easy of a target she must have been, and how devastating it would be for her family if that money was taken from her.


I feel like you have a bit of a habit of...pressing the point for too long, if that makes sense? If you cut all of the bold, I don't think anything would really be be lost, because all it's really doing is voicing something that was already implied. Just try not to hold your reader's hand. There's no need to labour the point because you're afraid they won't catch it otherwise - readers are great at inferring things.

"I'm sorry, Skylar. I'm as disappointed as you are."

I doubt that. Skylar dropped her gaze to the table. "How much?" she repeated.


Was the bold supposed to be in italics? I'm guessing it's Skylar's internal thoughts, given that the story is in third person.

She was vaguely aware that her mother was saying something, but she was in no mood to hear her mother speak reassuring words when she had no idea how it felt to lose everything she had ever loved.


This is a bit convoluted. 'She was vaguely aware that her mother was saying something, but she wasn't in the mood for reassurance' would do.

Looking back at the table, she saw that both of them looked more tired and worn than she had ever seen them, and felt a slight twinge of guilt for being so self-absorbed when this was her father's dream, too.


This line is almost there, but I feel like it could be subtler. You don't need to state outright that she's self-absorbed. If you had something like this:

Looking back at the table, she saw that both of them looked more tired and worn than she had ever seen them, and felt a slight twinge of guilt. This was her father's dream, too.

I think the meaning still comes across here, but it's subtler. You don't always need to make the links between sentences explicit. Simply placing them side by side often invites the reader to form connections between them.

She woke the next morning before her parents came to wake her up, for the first time since the repair shop closed eager to work. She pushed herself out of bed and immediately got dressed in a pair of baggy jeans, a heavier shirt, and her favorite jacket. Slipping her boots on, she plodded down the stairs


1) I think you'd be better off switching the syntax round. '[...] eager to work for the first time since the repair shop closed' reads much more smoothly to me.

2) 'Plodded' doesn't exactly suggest eagerness.

"And the mountain is the process of getting RR back, we're the climbers, we have a determination, and our climbing gear is... is... sorry, I got lost in the meatphor," Skylar teased her mother


Similarly to what I said earlier, you shouldn't have to tell us she's teasing. It should be clear from the dialogue. Plus, there's no need to specify that she's saying it to her mother - it's not like she could be talking to anybody else.

Overall Thoughts

The thing I like most about this chapter is that Skylar's resentment towards the NUS does stem from something very personal. I feel like too much dystopian fiction sees the protagonist take up resistance against the tyrannical government purely for moral reasons, forgetting that these stories are much more convincing when there's a personal motivation alongside the broader moral ones. Skylar has that. I obviously don't know how or why the NUS militia shut down her father's business, but I can see the knock-on effects of that and why Skylar is angry about it.

What I will say, however, is that you're trying too hard control the reader's opinion of the NUS. Whenever Skylar dwells on them, she seems to spell out her exact reasons for hating them and very clearly reiterates, multiple times, that 'all of this was because of the deep-seeded corruption in the NUS' and 'everything circled back to the NUS'. There's no division of blame. Just an evil government. It's not very subtle, and it makes me feel like I'm being manhandled. If the NUS is that bad, Skylar shouldn't have to remind me of their reprehensibility every time they're mentioned. You need to put more faith in the events and actions within the story, trusting the reader to interpret them a particular way. You can't steer them to a particular point of view. They have to form their own conclusions about the antagonist.

Another issue is that your writing style feels a little on the clinical side at times. It's generally very coherent and easy to read, but I don't think we get enough sense of Skylar through it. I don't really feel her emotions. Perhaps it's because she's always too aware of them and what's causing them. I'd like her to be more keyed up and irritable and irrational. She's always painstakingly logical about things. Even when she flounces off upstairs, she's still aware that she's being self-absorbed. It doesn't convince me. When people are angry and upset, they don't often spend a lot of time dissecting their behaviour and acknowledging how unfairly they're acting. Even if they're aware of it deep down, they tend to bury it, because knowing that they shouldn't be acting as they are makes them feel worse.

In terms of the other things I really enjoyed about the chapter, though, I do love that you've done a bit of a switcheroo on gender roles. Usually, you see men and sons in providing roles, especially when said role is practical and non-academic, yet Skylar is the one supporting the family as a mechanic. Her brother, meanwhile, is the artist who wants to carry on with his education. It's nice to see you going against the audience's expectations; it makes for more rounded, original characters. I don't know Skylar that well because I've come in pretty late, but she has the makings of an interesting personality.

Your dialogue is generally good, as well, and I can't fault any of the more humdrum (but important) aspects like grammar and punctuation. Your pacing could be a bit quicker, but it's mostly okay. The main things to work on pretty much come down to showing over telling. Don't keep reminding the reader how evil the NUS is - show it through they're actions. Don't just tell us that Skylar is upset and angry - show it through how she acts and treats others. And trust your reader to pick up on implications. Don't spoonfeed them.

Hope this helped!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Atticus says...


Thanks for the review Pan! I really appreciate your comments on my writing style, as I do have a tendency to be redundant and not fully confident in my writing. I'll definitely work on that moving forward and while I'm editing this chapter. I'm glad you like Danny and Skylar, and I'll keep all your points and nitpicks in mind while I'm editing. Thanks so much for your time!




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