Stella Magenta Book 1 1.1

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“Skylar, would you pass me that wrench, please?” Timothy Rennedon, Skylar's father and the owner of Rennedon Repairs, requested, sticking his head out from underneath the cockpit.

Skylar nodded and sifted through a pile of different sized wrenches before selecting one of the larger wrenches. She slid it over to her father. “This one?”

Mr. Rennedon examined it. "That’s the one. Thanks."

Skylar didn't respond. She was too busy working on her own section of the airplane, making sure that everything was properly greased. In her professional opinion, it looked as if the fan to keep the motor cool might be clogged by the grime from the engine, so she grabbed a rag and carefully cleaned the fan blades to ensure that they would spin quickly and smoothly.

“My section looks good,” she yelled to her dad, who was now adjusting several knobs in the cockpit. “How’s your side coming along?”

“I'm getting there. A couple more minutes, maybe. While I work, how ‘bout you check the output valve?”

Skylar groaned.“Okay.” She picked up a bucket of cold, murky water and an old rag before shuffling over to the output valve, where the dirt from the rest of the airplane accumulated. This was one of the messiest parts of the plane, and while she didn’t usually shy away from messes, all the gunk, oil, and whatever else had made its way into this pipe was a whole new level of messy. This was her least favorite part of aircrafts by far, and she tried to get out of this job whenever possible.

“Are you sure this is necessary, Dad?” she called. “I mean, this ship is pretty much brand new. I don't think we have to clean every nook and cranny, do you?"

“Just do it, Skylar. You’ll live." Unsurprisingly, her father was unsympathetic. “Besides, I thought you wanted the full experience. Cleaning up gross messes is a big part of mechanics." While his tone was light, Skylar could tell that he was serious.

“Well, maybe I’ll hire somebody to be my partner when I take over the shop,” she called back. “Somebody who will appreciate my knack for invention and my ability to nurse even the skeleton of an airplane back to health. Even better, I’ll make my kids do all the dirty stuff so they can learn to take over the family business.”

“What if your kids aren’t interested in airplanes?”

Skylar gasped dramatically. “May it never be so,” she declared in her most theatrical voice. “I guess I’d just keep having ‘em until I found one that had a liking for it. Besides, I’ll pass my genes down to them, so there’s no way they won’t be absolutely obsessed with any and all machines.”

“Quit rambling and check that valve." Even though Skylar couldn't see her father, she could sense him rolling his eyes.

Sighing, Skylar got down on one knee to look inside. There was a little bit of dirt clinging to the sides of the valve, but not nearly as much as some other vales she had been forced to scrub. In older ships, sometimes the dirt was so thick it completely clogged the pipe, and it could take her the better part of an hour to clean it out. For some reason, the thick layers of filth in the output valve disgusted her in a way unrivaled by any other part of the ship.

She pushed her rag into the valve, stretching until her entire forearm had disappeared in the pipe. She grimaced as her arm brushed against the dirt, then moved the rag in a circular motion, pulling it towards her slowly until enough gunk had built up. She dunked the rag in her bucket, wrung it out, and repeated the process. After she had done this three or four times, she took one final look at the pipe. "Good enough," she muttered under her breath before carrying the bucket rather ungracefully to where her father was finishing up his work in the cockpit.

"Finished,” she called up to the cockpit, walking over to where her father had set his toolbox .

“Leave the rag in the cockpit and then come up here.”

Skylar tossed the rag in the bucket, turning her head at the last second so she didn’t get a faceful of dirty water. A few droplets of dirty water landed on the side of her face, and she wiped them off with the back of her hand. She bounded up the stairs to the cockpit, taking them by two until she was standing next to her father. “Ready!” She could barely contain the enthusiasm in her voice. She loved this part of repairing airplanes—the part when her father would turn the airplane on to make sure it worked properly and sometimes let her sit in the pilot’s seat.

Her father smiled and pointed to one of the switches. “This is the main power switch. When you're ready, flip it, and we'll make sure that everything is functioning right."

Skylar gasped. “You mean it, Dad? You’d really let me turn it on?”

Her father smiled, showing his slightly yellowed teeth. “I think you’re ready, don’t you? You’ve been a great helper the last few months, Skylar. I’m lucky to have you.”

Skylar blushed crimson with pride. Even though she had been longing for the day she was allowed to actually turn an airplane on, her father's praise was even more valuable to her than this distinguished honor. She leaned over and flipped the switch, reveling in the feeling of power as the switch slid from “off” to “on”.

With a hiss, the engine started to purr, making the floor under them vibrate. Mr. Rennedon clapped Skylar on the shoulder. “We did it, Sky! She’s as good as new, and we’ll make a good profit from this. You did great today. I’m proud of you.”

Skylar beamed. “Thanks, Dad.”

"Go update the books while I put a few finishing touches on," Mr. Rennedon instructed. Skylar obediently climbed down from the cockpit, still exuberant with the thrill of turning the plane on. 

Comments & reviews · 3
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elysian
Review
elysian wrote a review · Tue Aug 14, 2018 2:59 am

Hello, finally here! I'm following many lms novels so my reviews will definitely be late/spaced out, so apologies for that in advance! Let's get right in!

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

“Skylar, would you pass me that wrench, please?” Timothy Rennedon, Skylar's father and the owner of Rennedon Repairs, requested, sticking his head out from underneath the cockpit.


I'm the type of person that when I go looking for random books, I always pick the one with the best hook, and I wouldn't necessarily be too interested in this one. My opinion with opening lines is they should be vague, short, and make the reader wonder about something explained later on in the chapter. This is just information that currently means nothing to me. Give me something that will draw me in, something mysterious. Like maybe "Everything started perfectly normal the day everything changed." Because that makes me wonder what changed, you know?

Skylar nodded and sifted through a pile of different sized wrenches before selecting one of the larger wrenches.


wrenches is too close together for my liking here, maybe change it to larger "ones" or sets or something?


I like the relationship between skylar and her father, but I'm wondering how old skylar is? obviously not an adult, but I can't tell if she's a teen or a kid, so I hope you clear that up in coming chapters.

I'm not really sure if I'm totally hooked into this story, as it's just characterization. But I'm interested enough in these characters to want to find out more :-)

good job!

-del

Thanks for the review del! A lot of people have commented on that opening line, so I'll be making some edits to it for sure. I appreciate your feedback, and I'll make sure to make the changes you suggested. Thanks again for your time!

User avatar
neptune
Review
neptune wrote a review · Tue Jul 10, 2018 3:29 pm

Hey Tucker! I've been meaning to pick up a piece of yours for a while now, but somehow I haven't yet. So, I'm going to change that! Let's get into this review.

“Skylar, would you pass me that wrench, please?” Timothy Rennedon, Skylar's father and the owner of Rennedon Repairs, requested, sticking his head out from underneath the cockpit.


I think it really isn't necessary to explain that Timothy is the owner of Rennedon Repairs -- you can mention that later. As a first sentence, it's a lot already for the reader and it could really be included later in the chapter. Also, perhaps 'that wrench' could be 'the wrench'? If Skylar has to look through a pile wrenches, I don't think her dad should say 'that' if there are a whole bunch. If that makes sense?

This was one of the messiest parts of the plane, and while she didn’t usually shy away from messes, all the gunk, oil, and whatever else had made its way into this pipe was a whole new level of messy.


Alright. So here you say the plane is messiest in this area that Skylar is cleaning. But then Skylar goes on to say
“I mean, this ship is pretty much brand new. I don't think we have to clean every nook and cranny, do you?"


I guess it makes a little sense, but if it's the messiest part of the plane (and you go on to say how messy it is) then it's a little weird that Skylar would use the excuse of "oh it's not really messy".

Skylar gasped. “You mean it, Dad? You’d really let me turn it on?”

This line is a little...cliche? The whole "you mean it? you'd really let me...?" is hackneyed, in my opinion. Although there may be alternatives to saying this, you can always keep this line.

I'm a little confused about Skylar right now. So, she likes repairing and inventions, but not messes? It's slightly miscommunicated at the beginning, but as I get further I get a little of her character. Also, their relationship is very interesting. Skylar's father kind of seems like a butt (well up until the ending, that is) which leaves me to wonder if he just shows affection by being a little strict?

As far as descriptions go, you did a pretty darn good job! I liked that balance between dialogue and description. We got a lot of imagery of the planes, but that leaves me curious about Skylar and her father. What do they look like? I mean, for all I know Skylar's hair could be hot pink. Perhaps in the second chapter focus on their appearances, too! I loved the scenes you were describing in this one, but characters are important to describe as well.

I'm curious -- is their family tight on money? I don't know how much money you'd make for this job but her father seems quite aware of the fact that they'd get a good profit on that plane. So perhaps he's worried about money? Or maybe he just likes to be aware?

Anyway, thanks for bearing with me on my review. I enjoyed reading and reviewing this chapter, and I hoped it helped a little. Skylar seems like an interesting character!

Thanks for the review neptune! Sorry I didn't respond to this earlier%u2014somehow I missed the notification. Thank you for all of your suggestions! I really appreciate your time, and if you're interested, chapters 2.1 and 2.2 are in the Green Room!

Thanks again, and have a great day!

User avatar
Zoom
Review
Zoom wrote a review · Fri Jul 06, 2018 7:18 pm

Hey,

“Skylar, would you pass me that wrench, please?” Timothy Rennedon, Skylar's father and the owner of Rennedon Repairs, requested, sticking his head out from underneath the cockpit.


Way too much exposition for your opening line. You mention that Timothy is Skylar’s father in the next paragraph so we don’t need this here. I also doubt we need to immediately know that he is the owner of Rennedon Repairs.

Also the dialog needs work. If they are the only two people present then he wouldn’t use her name. And the “please” at the end is overly polite in this context, so unless you intend your readers to get that impression of him then you should consider changing this. Finally, I think the name Skylar is a bit “on the nose” if this book is going to be about aviation . . .

Skylar nodded and sifted through a pile of different sized wrenches before selecting one of the larger wrenches. She slid it over to her father. “This one?”

Mr. Rennedon examined it. "That’s the one. Thanks."


There’s a tad too much action and dialog for handing a wrench to someone. Try not to overcomplicate.

Skylar didn't respond. She was too busy working on her own section of the airplane,


You have my attention. Screw gender roles!

“Just do it, Skylar. You’ll live." Unsurprisingly, her father was unsympathetic.


Aha, I knew he wasn’t going to be as polite as the first line suggested!

Skylar gasped dramatically. “May it never be so,” she declared in her most theatrical voice. “I guess I’d just keep having ‘em until I found one that had a liking for it. Besides, I’ll pass my genes down to them, so there’s no way they won’t be absolutely obsessed with any and all machines.”


Ha. I’m quite liking this character so far.

“Quit rambling and check that valve." Even though Skylar couldn't see her father, she could sense him rolling his eyes.


Ha.

Her father smiled and pointed to one of the switches. “This is the main power switch. When you're ready, flip it, and we'll make sure that everything is functioning right."


No. There’s no way that she is obsessed with machines and can “nurse the skeleton of an airplane back to health” and not know where the power button is.

Her father smiled, showing his slightly yellowed teeth. “I think you’re ready, don’t you? You’ve been a great helper the last few months, Skylar. I’m lucky to have you.”


I really don’t get the huge significance of turning the plane on. Her overenthusiasm makes her seem way younger than what I first imagined.

***

Overall comments:

I liked the simplicity of this piece. There’s definitely potential. The issue right now is that there isn’t much emotion or motive charging this scene. The entire time I’m left wondering the purpose behind cleaning the airplane. The fact that you are opening your story with this automatically makes a promise to your readers that it is of great importance, so I was convinced Skylar and her father needed to get the plane up and running so they could start some kind of adventure together, or something epic along those lines. So, when the father offhandedly mentions selling the plane towards the end, it felt anticlimactic and disappointing.

The biggest issue I had was the inconsistent characterisation. The father speaks politely and then dismissively, and then switches from compassionate to unsympathetic. Skylar switches from being an aviation expert and talking about having kids to then getting excited about pushing a button.

Another aspect I liked is that you seemed to have researched this topic somewhat, or already have aviation knowledge yourself. This really helped bring your writing to life.

I wonder where this goes . . .

-Zoom

Edit - I just realised that I told you off for mentioning that Timothy is the owner of the repair company in your opening line, and then I seemed to forget all about this and later criticised that their motive for cleaning the plane was unclear. Duh. Sorry about that.

To elaborate, I still think you should make it clear why they need the money or add some kind of emotion/motive to charge this scene. If we don't understand why it matters then we won't be able to care about it. At face value, cleaning machinery isn't particularly interesting so there needs to be a context beyond this that is worth reading about.

Thanks for your review! Your advice about the characters was really helpful, and I appreciate your honesty. I'm glad you enjoyed some parts of the dialogue, and I will make sure I make the changes you suggested! Thanks again for your review! If you would like to be tagged in future installments, just let me know!

Oh yes I forgot to mention, please tag me. I really did like the simplicity of this piece!



You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer