Yep. This hurts like hell. Not up to leaving a review right now, but unfortunately I've been in that place and still am.
Stay strong, though. Just one messed up kid telling another.
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"It hurts doesn't it? When you get stuck in the storm while everyone else is running towards the sun wishing you could feel the warmth too instead of feeling numb inside.
it hurts doesn't it? To see people full of light while your consumed by darkness.
It hurts doesn't it? To see people smile while your crying in a corner listening to that sad tune you play over and over again.
It hurts doesn't it? That there's nothing you can do about it but just carry on with your head held high.
It hurts doesn't it? When everyone says goodbye to have no one by your side.
It hurts doesn't it? When you have to take it out on yourself leaving scars to remember how broken you were that day.
It hurts doesn't it? It hurts because all you've ever wanted was to be happy and nothing seems to be going your way.
It hurts doesn't it? That person you were in love with never loved you back.
It hurts doesn't it? To always be the last choice.
It hurts doesn't it? That life isn't fair to you.
It hurts doesn't it? When your not the person smiling".
Yep. This hurts like hell. Not up to leaving a review right now, but unfortunately I've been in that place and still am.
Stay strong, though. Just one messed up kid telling another.
Hello there darkwriter. I m Kostia and I will be reviewing your work today.
First and foremost I m not sure this can be considered a poem since it doesn't follow any of the poetry standards and techniques. There is no rhyming (which is okay), no stanzas or even verses the lines are too long to meet up the standards. You can edit it to look more like a poem or you can remove it from the poem section and put it into "other".
Moreover I found the constant repetition throughout the text to be a bit tiresome that could be eliminated if you made smaller lines or if you could erase some of the "It hurts doesn't it?" it could be better if you used that less frequently, in my opinion it would actually give more emphasis to the phrase.
Your writing is very melancholic, it expresses pain, depression and desperation which is okay and I m sure a lot of readers can relate to that. However a flash of hope towards the end of this piece would really make the difference and give a more powerful and optimistic note to it.
I highly recommend you edit this and if you want to turn it into a poem you should make the lines smaller (verses) and divide it into stanzas while confining the repetition can be beneficial.
Keep writing!
This is so well written! A few grammatical mistakes but other than that this sounds amazing! Sad theme but well written.
Hey there, TheDarkWriter! I'll be reviewing your piece today, feel free to let me know if my review was missing anything afterwards
I really enjoyed this piece as a whole. It's dark yet beautiful, and the repetitive use of "it hurts doesn't it?" becomes more and more powerful as the piece develops.
I hate to do this, but first I'm going to throw a few nitpicks out there regarding grammar, just so you'll be aware of them in the future
There are three places your use of "your" is incorrect and should actually be "you're." Just a reminder that "your" indicates ownership, and "you're" is an abbreviated "you are." Here are the mistakes:
"To see people full of light while your consumed by darkness" in the second stanza, "to see people smile while your crying in a corner listening to that sad tune you play over and over again" in the third stanza, and "when your not the person smiling" in the final stanza.
Like I said, I'm not trying to be a Grammar Nazi here, I just wanted to point those out and hopefully you'll learn from them!
Now I called the lines with grammatical errors stanzas, but I want to add on to what Eros said. These "stanzas" as I called them aren't as much stanzas as they are statements. I agree with Eros's thoughts on adding stanzas because I think it would further enhance the flow and rhythm of the poem. While your poem already has a great flow because of the repetitive use of "it hurts doesn't it?", stanzas will make each thought more prominent and separate from the last.
My last critique would be to reword stanzas 1, 5, and 6. I understood their messages, but I think they could be reworded to flow better and be clearer and more direct in their meaning. Stanza 5 I honestly didn't have any trouble understanding, but I could see why someone might have to reread it once or twice, and rewording it might enhance its impact.
Overall, I enjoyed your poem very much. It's very dark and personable, so its easy to connect to it at any point.
I hope my review was helpful it's my first review on here, so feel free to let me know if there's anything more you wish you could've heard from me!
I hope to see more of your works in the future
Heya, TheDarkWriter!!
This is Eros here to review this wonderful piece of yours!!
This is a really beautiful [piece and I love this one becuase it has given a toungue and a voice box to my heart... You have expressed the palps and the feelings so beautifully! I just love the style. The poem is written in a neat way.
One thing I'd suggest is to press an "enter" after "doesn't it?" and writing the eholw poem in stanzas.
The reasons are:
1) It makes the poem to flow more freely: This doesn't mean that this poem isn't flowing freely. What I can see flowing smoothly is the ideas behind the poem. That is very much essential and you have done this beautifully.
But stanzas is a characteristic of poem---one should never forget this.
To enhance the beauty of this already beautiful poem, you should add stanzas...
Like for example:
"It hurts doesn't it? When you get stuck in the storm while everyone else is running towards the sun wishing you could feel the warmth too instead of feeling numb inside.
Points: 529
Reviews: 54
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