z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

New vs Old and Loyal

by Aubrey7, BluesClues


“Tell me what’s going on!” Monica shouted, angrily, into her sparkly, teal cell phone. Sarah, her best friend, hadn’t spoken to her all summer long and whenever Monica tried to called her, she didn’t pick up!

“Why don’t you tell me what’s going on, Princess Monica!” Sarah replied in the same angry voice as Monica.

    “You know what, if you’re gonna go around calling me “Princess Monica” and not talking to me all summer long, then I don’t plan on being your bestie anymore!” Monica hung up, fuming with anger. Sarah was never allowed to call her Princess Monica, no one was! Her daddy din't even call her that unless she was using her princess coated voice when she wanted something!

     Meanwhile, Sarah was pacing around her dark purple bedroom, her curly and very blond hair bouncing up and down on her shoulders, she has just lost her bestie, but she did not care! Monica had been a jerk all summer long and hadn’t even taken the time to say hello, even though her house was in walking distance! Sarah was popular, so she new it would take no time to make a new bestie! 

      Monica, who was flopped on her teal bedspread, was furious and a bit confused. Monica was just so annoyed...she and Sarah had been besties since they were babies! She looked calm on the outside but on the inside her thoughts were going wild! Who needs Sarah anyway? She wasn’t there for me all summer long, anyway! It won’t take more than a day to get a new friend! Monica leaped off her bed, practically jumped the stairs, and sprinted over to Lily's house. Lily was one of her friends, if she spent a bit more time with her, there was no doubt she would want to be Monica’s new bestie. After all, everyone wanted to be friends with Monica since she was the most popular girl in school.

The next morning, Monica woke up with a huge grin on her face! She had a fabulous night with Lily, who was more than thrilled to be Monica’s new bestie. Lily even asked to walk to school with Monica! Monica was thrilled!

Sarah, who had also already made a new bestie, Kayla, was thrilled that Kayla was overjoyed to be her new bestie! They were going to be better besties than she and Monica ever were!

Lily, who was bouncing around her green shaded bedroom, she was practically in seventh heaven! Monica wanted to be her new bestie, not just a good friend, her bestie! Lily never had a true bestie before, never! Lily raced down the stairs, kissed her mother goodbye, and dashed off to Monica’s house! They were walking to school together and Lily couldn’t wait one more second to get to Monica’s house!

Sarah and Kayla left for school in a hurry! They were talking excitedly, more Kayla than Sarah, when all of a sudden, Sarah saw Monica, Monica and Lily! They slowly started to walk closer, until, everyone heard a loud screech!

Lily, couldn’t believe it! Kayla was with Sarah! She turned to Monica, who was staring at her with a very surprised look!

“LILY!” Monica whispered loudly. “Why did you just scream! If anyone should be screaming, it’s me! I’m the one who has to see Sarah, again!” Monica was furious! She hated when her friends screamed out of the blue, it just drove her crazy!

“I’m-I’m sorry! I just can’t believe I have to see, and possibly talk, to, to Kayla!” Lily stuttered, she hated Kayla, and she new Monica would find out why sooner or later, but she’d rather Monica find out later.

Monica froze. What’s Lily’s deal anyway!?! What made her so mad at Kayla, that she had to scream!?! Lily’s my new bestie, so she has to tell me why she hates Kayla so much, she just has to! “Lily,” Monica whispered, “What’s wrong, why do you hate Kayla so much? She’s not nearly as bad as Sarah!” Monica piped up the last sentence, just so Sarah could hear how much Monica hated her!

“It’s-it’s nothing. I’ll-i’ll tell you later, I just don’t want to talk to her right now! P-please, can we go? I’ll explain everything later!” Lily whispered nervously.

“Okay, okay. Follow me, I know another way to school!” Monica grabbed Lily’s hand and they flew off in another direction!

After school, Sarah and Kayla raced to Kayla’s house, sprinted up the stairs and flopped on Kayla’s hot pink bed.

“What was Lily’s deal today, anyway?” Sarah asked curiously. “Why did she freak out when she saw you?”

“Well, I guess you’ll find out eventually,” Kayla sighed heavily. “Lily used to be my best friend, but when her parents got divorced, she started going between their houses. Anyway, one day she came back from her dad’s place, but instead of coming to my house, she dashed up to her room and called her “new best friend.” Later that night, I called Lily to ask why she didn’t come over to my place, and she said she was on the phone with her new bestie, Margo. On top of that, she said she couldn’t go camping with me that summer because that was the week she was going to camp with Margo! We haven’t spoken a word since.” Kayla let out a huge sigh, and looked to Sarah to see what her response would be.

“Wow. No wonder she was surprised to see you!” Sarah said softly. Is that gonna happend to me and Monica? Are we gonna become enemies like Kayla and Lily are? Will we never want to see each other again, all because she didn’t call me this summer? Sarah glanced around Kayla’s room, then whispered, “I’ve gotta go home, I have a ton of homework to do. Plus, I still need some time to think about me and Monica’s fight.” Sarah looked over at Kayla, hoping she wouldn’t ask any questions about her fight with Monica. Thankfully Kayla just nodded and said goodbye.

Lily watched as Monica’s mouth dropped open, clearly Monica had not expected Kayla to be Lily’s old best friend because the look on her face was pure shock.

Monica was so surprised! No wonder Lily freaked out when she saw Kayla, she had made a new best friend and Kayla didn’t approve! “Wait a minute! If Margo is your best friend what does that make me!?! I thought I was your best friend!”

“You are! I haven’t been to my dad’s for weeks, and on top of that, Margo has a boyfriend, so she ditched me so her boyfriend wouldn’t know her best friend was some freaky new girl!” Lily was relieved to get that out to someone! She was a little worried, though, that Monica might not want to be her best friend now that she knew about Margo! “Please don’t be mad, I swear me and Margo aren’t besties anymore!” Lily begged.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine with me! Sarah used to be my bestie, until she didn’t answer my phone calls over the summer!” Monica blurted out, but instantly regretted saying! She hadn’t told anyone her reasoning for Sarah not being her bestie anymore! “Oh, I-I didn’t mean to say that, I just, never mind, I just never told anyone what happened between me and Sarah.”

Lily stared at Monica in surprise! So that’s why Monica wasn’t Sarah’s bestie anymore, but why would Sarah be mad at Monica if she was the one who didn’t pick up the phone? It just didn’t make any sense. “Wait a minute! If Sarah was the one who didn’t pick up the phone, then why was she mad at you?” Lily was so confused, she understood Monica’s side, but not Sarah’s!

Monica stared at Lily, not sure what to say, she never thought of why Sarah was mad at her, she was just so upset that she didn’t want to be with Sarah anymore! If Sarah was the one not to pick up the phone, then why is she mad at me!?! I should be the one who’s upset, not her, she has no reason to be upset! What is going!?! I need to talk to Sarah and figure out what her deal was! Monica sat up and turned to Lily, “I need to go! I don’t know what made Sarah mad, and this might be my chance to find out! I’m really sorry to leave you, but I need to know why she was mad at me when she was the one who didn’t pick up the phone when I called her!” Monica looked at Lily, hoping she would understood. Lily nodded and said it was okay, so Monica jumped up, snatched her sparkly, teal book bag and dashed downstairs and out the front door, which slammed when she let go!

Sarah slowly walked over to her phone and her eyes widened to see a text from Monica!

Monica: Hey Sarah

Sarah: Hey Monica. What do u want?

Monica: I was just 2 ask why u were so mad. U didn’t answer my calls, so i had a reason to be mad, but i don’t know what your reason is…

Sarah: u called me? I was mad because u didn’t come to my place 2 say hello, but i didn’t know u called me…

Monica: What! u didn’t no i was calling u!?!

Sarah: Monica, i was grounded from my phone! My mom and dad got divorced this summer and my mom took my phone. She was so stressed and got mad cause i gave her a little sass after dad had left us :(

Monica: oh…I thought u just didn’t want 2 talk 2 me so u ignored all my calls

Sarah: no way, if i wasn’t grounded, i would have answered!

Monica: our friendship got wrecked cause u got grounded and i didn’t know! I feel terrible now, i should have just went 2 your house and asked why u didn’t pick up in person!

Sarah: no, i should have went 2 your house and told u i got grounded from my phone so we can’t call/text each other

Monica: walk 2 school with me 2mro?

Sarah: u don’t need to ask me twice

Monica: see u 2mro

Sarah: Yea, night

Monica: night

The next morning, Monica raced to her closet, pulled out the outfit that both she and Sarah both owned, it had a perfect mix of teal and purple, and through it on! She scurried down the stairs, grabbed a s'more pop-tart and her book bag, kissed her mommy goodbye, and dashed over to Sarah’s house!

Sarah put her book bag on and slowly opened the door, but when she opened it, she nearly jumped in surprise, “You’re here! Already? And you’re wearing our shirt!” Sarah’s eyes widened, surprised they were both wearing their shirt!

“Yea, I thought it was a good idea, and clearly you did too! Does this mean we’re besties again?” Monica’s voice had a hint of hope in it.

“Of course, but what do we do about Kayla and Lily!?! They’re enemies now, remember?” Sarah started to panic!

“I-I don’t know, maybe we can get them to walk with us and we can figure out how to make them friends, again…”

“We’ll figure something out, we always do!” Monica spoke fast and anxiously.

Monica spirited off to Lily’s house, pulled Lily out of her house and pulled her to the park between Sarah and Monica’s house! Sarah, who was already there with Kayla, jogged awkwardly over to Monica and pulled her to face away from Lily and Kayla.

“So how are we gonna get them to make up?” Sarah whispered anxiously. “Should we just tell them we figured out what went wrong and tell them now we can all be besties?” Sarah’s voice was full of hope, but also a hint of fear, fear that Kayla and Lily wouldn’t like them all being besties.

“That sounds like a good plan,” Monica nodded in agreement, “I’ll tell them, but if I am at loss of words, you can jump in and help me, okay?”

“Okay!” Sarah whispered a bit too loudly, making Lily and Kayla look over at them awkwardly.

Sarah and Monica slowly walked over to Kayla and Lily, continually glancing at each other.

“So, what’s going on? Why are you talking to each other all of a sudden? I thought you two were enemies!” Lily shouted so loudly, she made Kayla, Sarah, and Monica jump in surprise, Lily never got mad, so what was her deal?

“Lily, Kayla, Sarah and I figured out what went wrong this summer. We both assumed the other didn’t want us around anymore, but we realized we could have fixed this if only one us us wasn’t so stubborn.” Monica talked slowly while look between Sarah, Lily and Kayla, and the ground.

“Yea, and we figured, since I became close friends with Kayla,” Sarah forced a smile towards Kayla, “and Monica became such close friends with Lily,” Sarah looked up at Monica who smiled Lily and then her, “we thought we could all be besties, instead of it just being Monica and Lily, or Kayla and me. You know, one big group of besties!” Sarah gave a heavy sigh of relief to get that out, but was cut of by two loud screams.

“WHAT!?!” Lily and Kayla screamed in unison, “You expect us to be friends again, best friends, just because you and Monica figured out your problem!?!” Kayla shouted so loud she made Sarah and Monica jump in fear.

“I will never be best friends with her, never! Did you hear me? I said never!” Lily was looking between Sarah, who had a very shocked look on her face, and Monica, who looked like she was about to burst into tears.

“Lily, Kayla, calm down, I know you two had a bad history, but Monica and I found what went wrong, and we want to fix it without losing you two!” Sarah glanced back and forth between Kayla and Lily, hoping they would just make up and be besties again.

“Sorry Sarah, but I’m not gonna be friends with her, let alone best friends, ever again!” Kayla whispered loudly.

“Kayla, I don’t want to loss you!” Sarah begged.

“You just did!” Kayla turned and sashayed off, leaving Sarah and Monica staring at Lily, hoping she would respond better than Kayla did.“Lily,” Monica’s voice full of hope, “Please don’t respond like Kayla…”

“Sorry Monica,” Lily cut her off quickly, “I don’t want to be in a trio, that never ends well, believe me, I know. It’s fine you and Sarah can be besties, I’ll be alright.” Lily bit her lip, “Bye Monica, bye Sarah, hope you guys don’t make the same mistake, causing someone else to be hurt.” Lily slowly turned then ran off.

Sarah and Monica stared at her in disbelief and then they both started to to school, the whole way there was a long, quiet walk, but when they got to school, they made a solemn pact.

“No matter what,” Sarah started.

“We will never make that same mistake, again.” Monica finished.

They both smiled at each other, and walked into school with a whole new attitude and a huge smile spread across their faces knowing their best friend, was back.

The End!

 


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User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 36
Reviews: 8

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Thu Apr 27, 2017 4:01 pm
HarshLynx wrote a review...



Hey Aubrey! HarshLynx here for a review! Just a heads up, I'll be typing my review as I read so it might read weird or contradict itself.

The first thing that threw me off was the sudden point of view switch. I didn't realize that things had switched POV until I read a sentence that I had read earlier. So maybe just mark those with breaks or a header? The other thing I noticed right off the bat was the overusage of explanation marks. Personally, it felt like you were putting in exclamation marks to create false enthusiasm which should be expressed more through just the simple actions each person does or feel. There were a few grammar mistakes that I noticed but there weeenr many of them so it wasn't too bad.

The part that bothered me the most was just the dialogue. It was really basic and fast paced. Though of course, you did say this was a memory so that would explain the dialogue. Can't really expect everyone to just have a perfect memory right? ;)

All in all, a really good story that just needs some polishing in grammar and dialogue. I'm glad that you and your friend were able to make up with each other!




Aubrey7 says...


Oh, this didn't exaclty happen to me, this is based of of things that have happened to me, like, I've lost frined over stupid reasons and later figured out how to fix the mistake. I just made this to show what kind of things I've been through, but thanks for the suggestions, I'll see what I can do to make this narrative better! ;)



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Wed Apr 26, 2017 2:19 am
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Aubrey7! Storm here for a review, so let's jump right into it.

I just want you to know that I will definitely sound harsh in this review. I'm not one to sugarcoat things, so I'm just going to tell you like it is. Here it goes!

I disliked this. To be perfectly honest, it reminds me of my first short story (though I'm 99% sure that this is supposed to be a novel chapter, you didn't really say in the title). The content is very immature, which I totally understand. You're thirteen (at least, that's what your thing says). But you have to realize how exceedingly cliche this is. A story about best friends? What's special about it? Why should people want to read it?

I found some typos and errors, but I'm not one to point out every last one of them, so if you plan on editing, definitely look for them.

I found several things in particular that made this story sound particularly immature, especially considering that these girls are in middle school or junior high. I'll point those out with a little explanation for each one.

“Tell me what’s going on!” Monica shouted, angrily, into her sparkly, teal cell phone.

Sparkly? To be perfectly honest, it sounds like something that my 9-year-old sister would just love. It's not a huge thing, but it does contribute to the immature feeling this gives off.

“You know what, if you’re gonna go around calling me “Princess Monica” and not talking to me all summer long, then I don’t plan on being your bestie anymore!” Monica hung up, fuming with anger. Sarah was never allowed to call her Princess Monica, no one was!

The use of 'bestie' throughout the entire story is also a bit immature. I've never really known anyone who has used that term. I've only ever heard it used by squealing, stereotypical junior high and high school girls on television. Also, Monica's reaction to Sarah made her seem like a petulant child.

Lily raced down the stairs, kissed her mommy goodbye, and dashed off to Monica’s house!

The usage of 'mommy'. Usually, children stop calling their mother 'mommy' at a fairly young age. Certainly younger than these girls.

However, the biggest contributor to this immaturity is the problem. A fight between friends? About a misunderstanding? It's not even juicy. There's no drama for the readers to sink their teeth into.

I won't say a lot about your characters, but they were very underdeveloped. Aside from the names and favorite colors, there wasn't a lot different about them. People have distinct personalities, and your characters need those too.

Overall, I did dislike it. I've already covered the reasons I disliked it. However, this was easy to read, the grammar wasn't terrible. I think with a bit of practice and experience, you'll do just fine as a writer. Just work at it. Writing is something that one can always improve at.

Feel free to ask any questions in a reply to this review or in a pm. I'm happy to help!

~Storm




Saruka says...


Hey Stormcloud!
Aubrey had to do this for a school project. She was limited in how much she could write and the plot requirements didn't exactly give way for much drama (or time for any real drama) anyways. I just wanted to let you know that any lack of quality was because she was restricted in the content she was allowed.



inktopus says...


That makes a bit more sense. (Darn those plot requirements) Nonetheless, I still hope my review can help. I wasn't trying to be mean at all.



BluesClues says...


I think it's funny that you didn't like that the story was about best friends, because I actually really liked that it was all about best friends as opposed to teen romance or something. Friendship doesn't get enough time in the spotlight in fiction imo, especially in stories about girls.



Aubrey7 says...


Thank you BlueAfrica! I truly think romance doesn't need as big of a spotlight as it has! I think friendship is WAY more important, and more interesting, too!



inktopus says...


It wasn't really the friendships themselves I had a problem with. Everyone was mad at each other all over a misunderstanding. Why couldn't it have been about a fight? Something where both girls have a legitimate reason to be furious with each other. I'm not a big fan of teen romance either, but when one writes something about 'best friends' one is going to have to do other things to make it interesting.



Aubrey7 says...


Well a lot of fights happen over misunderstandings, I know this from experience, I was making this story based off of things that have happened to me, so the misunderstanding part is not gonna change, just saying. I understand what you're telling me, no, it's not very juicy, but I'm not gonna change MY STORY just so YOU can be happy, it's my story, and if I like it, that's good enough! I'm a very understanding teen, but when I get shoved around, I don't take to that very kindly.



Aubrey7 says...


Sorry for freaking out, but I get shoved around a lot and sorta just spazzed out, I know, I know childish, I just sorta spazzed.



inktopus says...


It's fine. But remember that reviews are where people share their opinions and try to help writers. I just shared my opinion, and tried to help you. I know that I'm a fair bit harsher than a lot of other reviewers on YWS, but I'm not doing it to be mean. I don't want anyone I review to feel attacked. I don't expect you to change your story based on my criticism and preferences, but you are probably going to experience another review sometime that is as harsh or harsher than mine, so be prepared.



Aubrey7 says...


I know I'll get more criticisms, but I'd rather not have you be one of those people!



inktopus says...


I know that you may have been hurt due to my criticism. However, reviews on YWS require constructive criticism. I know it seems harsh, but criticism will help you become a better writer in the long run. Every review you get on YWS ideally should contain criticism for the piece. Keep in mind that no one is criticizing you, just the story, and it's not to be mean or negative, it's to better you as a writer. I wish you luck on any future projects!



Aubrey7 says...


Alright, I get it, but I have some advice for you, when criticizing other people's work, be at least a LITTLE NICER about it, okay? Cool



deleted5 says...


heh



Aubrey7 says...


hey



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57 Reviews


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Wed Apr 26, 2017 1:40 am
Saruka wrote a review...



Hi Aubrey! So this is the final product of your narrative, I love it! I'm here for a hopefully helpful review.

Meanwhile, Sarah was pacing around her dark purple bedroom

This seemed really detailed, and I didn't think 'dark purple' was necessary to the story.
Who needs Sarah anyway?’ ‘She wasn’t there for me all summer long, anyway! It won’t take more than a day to get a new friend!

Maybe take away the quotes and make the thoughts throughout the passage italicized?
The next morning, Monica woke up with a huge grin on her face!

The exclamation marks at the end of all the sentences throughout the story are unnecessary, you can just replace them with periods and leave in the occasional comma where you feel it is crucial.
kissed her mommy goodbye

How old is Monica, and would she be calling her mother 'mommy'?
“Why did you just scream! If anyone should be screaming, it’s me! I’m the one who has to see Sarah, again!”

You can take out the comma between 'Sarah' and 'again' if you want.
“I’m, I’m sorry!

I think the formatting for this should be, “I’m- I’m sorry!" with a dash instead of a comma. Do the same thing with
“It’s, it’s nothing. I’ll, i’ll tell you later,

too.
what’s wrong, why do you hate Kayla so much?

Capitalize the beginning of this sentence.
I thought I was yourbest friend!

Put a space in between 'your' and 'best'.
Monica blurted out, but instantly regretted saying

Maybe add an 'it' at the end to wrap up the sentence better?
she never thought of why Sarah was mad at her, she was just so upset that she didn’t want to be with Sarah anymore! If Sarah was the one not to pick up the phone, then why is she mad at me!?! I should be the one who’s upset

Here, you switched perspectives, and I think it's because you switched to thought. Put Monica's thoughts (the ones with I) in italics and when you say 'she', don't, so people can see that.
What is going!?!

Did you mean "What is going on!?!"?
sparkly, teal book bag

I can tell sparkles and teal is a little consistent in this story. Maybe don't include those words as much to make it sound less repetitive.
but if I am at loss of words,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the phrase is 'loss for words'.
we want to fix it without lossing you two

Kayla, I don’t want to loss you

Did you mean 'losing/lose'?
Kayla turned and sashaed off,

I think the correct spelling is 'sashayed'.


Aaaand cliffhanger. That was great. I know you had to make this thing six pages or left, but, as I see BlueAfrica saying below, please, please let there be a Part 2. You're gonna get a great grade on this, Aubrey ;)

Saru




Aubrey7 says...


She calls her mother "mommy" because in a lot of stories, and in real life too, popular girls call their parents "mommy" and "daddy""



Saruka says...


Okay! Thanks for the clarification!



Aubrey7 says...


Sure thing, I'll do my best to fix those grammar mistakes too!



BluesClues says...


My sisters and I totally don't still call our mom "mommy" half the time
I mean, sort of jokingly, but still.
And we are def older than the girls in this story.



Aubrey7 says...


Oh, well I'm 13 and I call my mom "mommy" sometimes, my mommy loves when I call her that!



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Wed Apr 26, 2017 1:24 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Oh, man. Tell me there's a part 2 to this, because it ended a lot less happily than I was expecting once Sarah and Monica worked out their issues.

(P.S. Sarah is my mom's name and Monica was my grandma's name!)

So I really like the focus on friendship and the importance of best friends in this story. Often, when there's a story about a teenage girl (or really any woman), the main importance is focused on her relationship with a man, particularly a romantic relationship. But this story not only didn't have any romance, it didn't have any men! It was all about these four girls' relationships with each other, which I loved.

One of your biggest problems right now is the pacing. You have a lot going on in this story, yet it's only 2300 words.

1. Sarah and Monica friends-break-up.
2. Sarah finds a new bestie.
3. Monica finds a new bestie.
4. Monica/Lily and Sarah/Kayla see each other on the way to school.
5. Sarah and Monica find out Lily and Kayla used to be best friends.
6. Sarah and Monica make amends with each other.
7. Sarah and Monica plan to get Lily and Kayla back together.
8. Kayla's response to said plan is negative.

Wow! That's eight major events taking place in a very short space of writing. Each of these could easily be one entire chapter of a longer story by itself. I don't know what your plans are for this - if you really just wanted to write something short or if you'd be okay with expanding it - but my suggestion for a future draft would be to slow it down by showing us more of how all these things happen.

On that note, another problem is characterization, or lack there of! We know all these girls are or have been best friends at some point, and we know that they later friends-broke-up for one reason or another, and we know that they regret it or miss each other. But we don't know the girls as individuals, really. How did Sarah and Monica become best friends? What about Lily and Kayla? What are some highlights of their friendships, moments they'll always remember? What secrets do they know about each other? What interests do they share?

Details like that will help readers connect with them more, with the added benefit of slowing down the pacing!

Write on!
Blue




Aubrey7 says...


Thanks for the recommendation, I think I will expand it! I might even make a book from it! If you don't mind, I would love for you to be my co-editor for this story!



BluesClues says...


Well, I am certainly happy to review any bits of it you put back up on YWS after revising! Just be sure to leave a link somewhere and tag me so I know. And make sure to give lots of reviews! That way, you'll have plenty of points for posting more, plus you're more likely to get some reviews in return, plus reading other people's writing critically will help you with your own writing. Win-win-win.




Being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible. It just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena